Archive for October, 2010

Stop Wasting Paper!

Apparently there’s some election coming up. It sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I have been pupating in a cocoon of self-help gurus, science fiction books, and various other miscellanea that I won’t bore you with, so I haven’t really been paying attention to much else. Last week, I began receiving unsolicited informative literature in the mail from the Republican Party of Minnesota, urging me to vote “No” on Will Morgan. I don’t really care if you are Republican, Democrat, or Rebuplicrat, but I do care when people try to force their opinions down your throat when you didn’t ask them what their opinions were in the first place. The pamphlets I hold in front of me feature such witticisms as “Will this recession ever end? Will Morgan likes to tax and spend,” and poorly Photoshopped pictures of Morgan dressed as the Cat in the Hat. I took it upon myself to mail a letter to the Republican Party of Minnesota with some pointers on how they can more effectively run their campaign.

*In the letter below, I also make claims that I am a fan of the Cat in the Hat, and also volleyball. Those are actually not true.

Dear Republican Party of Minnesota:

Thank you for including me in your informative smear campaign this past week regarding something called Will Morgan. He sounds like a king-hell bundle of trouble if you ask me. And thank you also for making your literature rhyme. That made it a lot easier for me to understand. Having said that, I do have some questions for you. In both pamphlets, I noticed that you stress the fact that Will Morgan likes to spend. I get that. Because you told me twice, in two seperate pamphlets, both emphasizing that spending is bad. Could I offer up some advice to whoever is running your finacial department? You don’t have to use it, but since you somehow aquired my name and address, and don’t seem to mind imposing your opinion on complete strangers regarding issues that they really don’t care about, I am assuming you are as enthusiastic about receiving input as you are about dispensing it. Here are my humble suggestions:

Firstly, were two pamphlets necessary, when the information contained in them could have been condensed into one? This would save paper, money, and precious real estate in my tiny mailbox. You keep reminding me that spending is bad, but it is redundant expenditures like these that make me wonder who is really doing the wasteful spending.

Secondish, if you are going to hassle me with your itinerary, perhaps tell me who in the wide world of sports Will Morgan is, and what he is running for. Maybe even who he is running against. It is very clear that you are anti-Will Morgan, so much so that it looks like someone even took an extra three minutes out of their day to use Photoshop to take the hat off of the Cat in the Hat, and transpose it onto Morgan’s head. Again, I hope no one got paid to do that, because that is probably an even bigger waste of money than the issues from the previous item. And if someone was paid to do that, might I suggest that you meet with your graphic design department in the most hasty of fashions, and let them know that their work is leaving much to be desired. (Also, as a sidenote, I was quite fond of the Cat in the Hat growing up, and to use segments of his likeness in the mockery of your opponent is, well, rather trite.)

Third, do some market research on who you are sending these things to. Like I said, I have no clue who this Morgan character is or what he is running for, but from your literature I see that he quote, “…funded wasteful projects such as $4 MILLION for volleyball courts in Rochester.” You see, I absolutely LOVE volleyball, and now that I know Morgan supports one of my favorite activities, enough so to supply $4 million for it, I have just decided to go against your warnings and vote “Yes” on Morgan, and seriously question the ethics of your fine organization for finding a wholesome pastime such as volleyball “wasteful.”

And last but not least, I have, at my own expense, printed out and included with this letter some informative brochures on the benefits of homosexual marriage and immigration. Keep up the good work over there RPM.

Onward and upward, and drill baby drill,

<My signature>

Blong (Blog Song). It’s a fun little tune.

The New Paradigm for 21st-Century Ushering

Good tidings to you all. The book is coming along rather swimmingly, thank you for being curious. I can only hope that as the publication date nears, you will become buy-curious. The text has SWELLED to a voluminous 4,500……………words. That’s like eight pages, so I only need 76 more to reach my minimum goal, and I haven’t even drawn the graphs and flowcharts for it yet! These are truly exciting times, not just for me, but also for those who inhabit my intricately woven social circle. For instance, at my friend’s wedding this past weekend, I witnessed the single greatest showcase of ushering talent that mine eyes doth hath ever casted their gaze upon. I should know, I’ve been to like eight weddings. My good pal B-Rad, aka Johnny Two Tone, aka Jazz Fingaz, displayed such nimble-toed dexterity and unparalleled empathetic vision that I had to double check the program to make sure I was at the right place! I could have sworn this was Hollywood! Until now, I had not witnessed such precision, such grace, such civility, other than in the dreamy faux-reality of a major motion picture. He herded each bovinial-minded guest to a seat that he deemed fit, all while avoiding a level of rambunction that I can’t even begin to fathom. It was almost as if he had received a copy of the guest list in advance, taken into account the factors of height, girth, and disability, and created a detailed rundown of who could sit where. Although the venue was located in a naturical setting, on flat ground, a view obscured was not to be found. If a late-comer was confined to the back, he was seated in such a fashion that he still had a line of vision through the valley created between some of the more portly attendees and the nadir of hunched seniors. It was claimed that this unobstructed flow of perception was all unintentional, but as a woman with a rather prominent bouffant was escorted to the row in front of me, she was at the last moment directed to the outermost seat in the row, thus preserving an unfettered vantage point of the area in which the nuptials were about to take place. It looked as though B-Rad gave me a sly “I got ya covered” wink as he strode past, but we may never know, as he was wearing those kind of glasses that get dark when you’re in sunlight.

Here’s the Blong. Handsome Boy Modeling School. Sunshine. Featuring Sean Lennon and Paula Frazer.

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