When I was cruising Facebook earlier today, I came upon a link that I saw posted in my News Feed. That link led me to an article about the nature of Facebook and its influence on nature. “Where can I find this article?” you are probably wondering. You are reading it, right now. Let us continue.
Studies have shown that posting comments such as “Uggh, snow? Again? FML,” can actually be observed by the atmosphere, which is much more intuitive and sensitive to the thoughts, feelings, and elemental tolerances of humans than we previously believed it to be. Some posts, like “Why does it have to be sooo cold? Brrrr!” have been shown to reach as far as the sun itself, causing it to “crank up the heat” a few notches in order to obliterate any below-freezing temperatures that may be causing discomfort to the crybaby, who probably is already in a warm room, sitting in front of their computer. Meteorologists have concluded that using Facebook to air any climatical grievances is the only proven method to stop rain, make it warmer, or do just about anything else that will bring unfettered joy to anyone complaining about an entity that as little as five years ago was thought to be uncontrollable. We are truly witnessing a revolution.
Ah, rap music – nothing but a feckless, dime-a-dozen street-walking delinquent spouting off nonsense into a cheap microphone. What social value could this music possibly bring to the community? None. None value is the answer. Yet, upon deeper review, the message of the music can be lost in the quirky colloquialisms used by rappers who have been brought up in a variety of different regions and cultures. I will now attempt to decipher some “bars” by a few popular rap artists, in order to find out what they are really trying to tell us.
Lyric: “Rap ain’t about bustin’ caps and f****n’ b*****s, it’s about fluency and rhyming ingenuity.” -Del the Funky Homosapien of the group Hieroglyphics, from the song At the Helm
Translation: “This musical genre is not intended to be about the reckless use of firearms and holding sexual congress with numerous women. We all must never forget that the cornerstone of crafting a respectable ballad is having a strong command of the English language, which includes possessing a diverse vocabulary, and having the cognitive wherewithal to put that diverse vocabulary to good use by finding new, innovative ways to make words work with each other.”
Lyric: “I want to get hiiiiiiiiigh, sooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.” -B-Real of Cypress Hill, from I Wanna Get High
Translation: “I would very much like to ingest an illegal substance, preferably tetrahydrocannabinol, to alter my state of mind. I do this from time to time to alleviate the vexations of stress, depression, and anxiety, but I also do it to bond with others at social gatherings during the weekend.”
Lyric: “I like big butts and I cannot lie.” -Sir Mix-A-Lot, Baby Got Back
Translation: “I favor a gluteus maximus with a large amount of cellulite. I am being completely and utterly honest.”
Lyric: “I bomb atomically, Socrates’ philosophies and hypotheses can’t define how I be droppin’ these mockeries.” -Inspectah Deck of Wu-Tang Clan, from Triumph
Translation: “I am utilizing these hyperbolic military and philosophical metaphors in order to prove that one would be hard-pressed to understand how I have developed such a streamlined system to boast about my poetic prowess.”
Lyric: “I never thought it could happen, this rappin’ stuff, I was too used to packin’ gats and stuff, now honeys play me close like butter played toast.” -Notorious B.I.G., from Juicy
Translation: “Who would have thought that I could forge a career in the music industry, with such a dubious background involving guns and other reprehensible items? Now beautiful women stay near me at all times.”
Lyric: “Change? S**t. I guess change is good for any of us. Whatever it take for any of y’all n****z to get up out the hood. S**t, I’m wit cha, I ain’t mad at cha.” -Tupac, I Ain’t Mad At Cha
Translation: “Alterations? Sheesh. They can be a positive force in our lives. Anything that can help young African Americans find a better life in an affluent neighborhood, I’m all for that. I will not think less of you for pursuing an honorable lifestyle.”
Lyric: “Don’t make me wake this baby, she don’t need to see what I’m about to do, quit crying b***h, why do you always make me shout at you?” -Eminem, Kim
Translation: “It is important that our child does not see that I am about to murder you. Why must you cause a scene, therefore resulting in me having to raise my voice to inappropriate levels?”
Lyric: “My main thug n***a named Julio he moodio, type of n***a that’ll slap you with the toolio, b***h n***a scared to death ask fruity-o, f**k that look at shorty she a little cutie-o, the way she shake it make me want to get all in the booty yo.” Busta Rhymes, Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See
Translation: “My best friend Julio has temperamental issues. It is best to not disturb him at this time, or he may act out, aggressively if necessary. Hey wait, look at that woman over there! The manner in which she is dancing makes me want to engage in consensual intercourse with her.”
And there you have it. Here’s the Blong (Blog song). Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass. The sweet irony being that it is a rap music tune in which I have no idea what he is talking about.
I’m not quite sure if this is incredibly offensive, or incredibly hilarious. I guess that’s just what great comedy makes you contemplate.
One of my life’s goals has always been to become an eccentric billionaire, or at the very least, a weird millionaire. I wouldn’t be mad about either outcome. I’m pretty sure Oprah is a billionaire, and she’s always telling people what books they should read, so as a stepping stone to billion-icity-ness, I’m going to start doing that. How is telling people what to read going to get me more money? I really don’t know. Maybe the author of one of these books will come across The Shlog and be like, “Wow, thanks for telling people about my book! Here, have a little bit of money.” That happens a couple hundred times, and I have amassed a small fortune. It’s elementary economics. Anyways, I’ll be periodically introducing a different Blook (Blog Book) and giving a brief overview.
I’ve been reading through the Time Magazine 100 Best Novels list, and am currently on The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood, published in 2000. Picked up a copy at the Salvation Army for fiddy cent. Not too shabby of a deal for 521 freaking pages. Here’s the synopsis:
There’s like this old chick, and she’s writing down stuff about her life or something. And her sister drove a car off a bridge right after WWII ended, and it’s the ’90s now, I think. Time kind of keeps jumping around, and there’s also newspaper clippings interspersed within the story, to show things that were happening to the old chick’s family at the time, because her dad had a button factory and they were rich. Also, the sister that drove off the bridge wrote a sci-fi book, and it got published after she died, and every few chapters or so there’s part of that book thrown into the mix as well, so basically, you’re reading two books. Her sister’s book is called The Blind Assassin, and I think that might be what the real book is named after. If it isn’t, that would be a really weird coincidence. There’s probably some metaphors used in the book as well, because I think that’s something that a lot of authors do, is use metaphors. I’m too dumb to pick up on those though, I just like looking at words. I’m only about halfway through, but I’m guessing the old chick is probably going to die at the end, because she keeps talking about how crappy her heart is. Maybe that’s a metaphor right there. But if an idiot like me realized that, then it probably isn’t. But I guess it could be. Maybe it has something to do with the ramifications of a lifetime of eating opulent delicacies, but that might not work because in the part I’m at, the Depression is going on, and they’re not really rich anymore. Anyways, welcome to The Shlog Blook Club.