That’s it. Shlogust is done.
Blong (Blog song). I feel like after this event, we have all “graduated” on to something greater. What an appropriate song.
“However desperate the situation and circumstances, don’t despair. When there is everything to fear, be unafraid. When surrounded by dangers, fear none of them. When without resources, depend on resourcefulness. When surprised, take the enemy itself by surprise.” -Sun Tzu
A quote from a wise man. Yet, because it was written over 2,000 years ago, I think it could use a little updating. This quote, by me, can be applied to life today, while saying essentially the same thing.
“However broke you are, have money. If a policeman maces you and then grinds your face into the pavement, do not be in pain. If you have been laid off from your job, do not stop working there. If you are proven guilty, be innocent. If you are dead, live.”
Here’s a little something I whipped up this morning. It got kind of weird. Here’s what you need:
Just cut that potato up, boil it for a little bit, drain out the water, add some chopped up jalapeños and broccoli, put some soy sauce in there, put the already cooked rice in, crack an egg over the top, wait for that to cook, then sprinkle some cheese on and toss some beans in. It comes out looking like a steaming pile of, well, potato/rice/egg/jalapeño/broccoli/cheese/beans. It tasted alright.
I just had a breakfast burrito for dinner, but I am nocturnal so it was actually at the time when most people would be eating breakfast. So is it the ingredients that make it a breakfast burrito or the time of day when you eat it? Because if I ate a regular burrito right when I wake up, does it become a breakfast burrito or am I just eating a regular burrito for breakfast? If I’m not mistaken, the presence of eggs is what constitutes a breakfast burrito, so I guess the one I just ate technically was a breakfast burrito, but it sure didn’t feel like breakfast to me. I’m going to call it – whatever you eat after your longest period of sleep in a day is breakfast. Ingredients have no say. If you eat a giant steak when you wake up, that’s breakfast, and if you have a bowl of cereal a few hours before you go to bed, that’s dinner. The name of the meal is relative to the timeline of your day; the name of whatever it is you are eating does not matter.
The folks at WordPress are kind enough to have a feature for us bloggers that shows where traffic to our blogs is coming from. I recently flipped through the section that tells you what terms people are typing in that bring your web log up in search engine results. Here are the highlights, word for word:
“Freedom in my pants”
“Cat, foods, and fetum”
“Fun facts on the rectum”
“165,000 eggs in a lifetime?”
“Rue McClanahan and Bob Hawke”
“Animal predictions about super bowl”
“Who do i email to change the weather”
“i threw up alot?”
“How to fake your hamsters death”
“Caw cat minneapolis”
“beans and weens”
“The vomit arsonist”
“Bird ate my donut”
“Is deriving pleasure from peeing your pants wrong”
“Sean Hunter in steamy dumps”
“How to start wearing skinny jeans”
There you have it. A lot of these people probably ended up pretty disappointed. For example, we’ve never even done a “Fun facts on the rectum” segment, so I don’t even know why this blog comes up in searches for that topic. But hey, I’ll take whatever I can get, even if it is some perv wondering if it’s okay to be turned on by peeing in his pants.
Did you know that in degrees Celsius, the boiling point was originally zero and freezing was one hundred? That fact literally doubled my knowledge of the Celsius scale.
Running and Z90x aren’t all fun and games (read about those here and here). At some point in this frenzy of activity, I have developed a hip ailment. In a quest to find out how this could have happened, I consulted my sister, who also happens to be a master misogynist, that is, massage therapist. After I gave her a brief rundown of what I have been up to, she provided me with a diagnosis. I tend to drift in and out of attention when people are talking, but here is what I took from the talk:
It all begins with the biggest muscle in the hip, the tessimal flaximus, more commonly known as the hippochondriatic flexor. That of course connects everything below the hip to the upper trunk of the body’s core. The interplay betwixt these anatomical dancers is an intricate tango that is meant for two. Metaphorically speaking, if you were to introduce an obnoxious, drunk guy in a leisure suit (in this case the jarring impact of jogging) who trys to join in the fun, that makes three, and any semblance of cooperation can be kissed goodbye. A fistfight may even ensue. According to my sister, the bounce of running has created a rift between my flaximus and upper core, originating from the lack of strength and support from my gluteal muscles. So, to put it in layman’s terms, my a** isn’t pulling its weight around here.
It was suggested that the gluteus maximus be strengthened. It brought this to mind:
I began to think of ways to strengthen my back end. And, lo and behold, the answer was right in front of my face. I have been reading the book I Am America (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert, and coincidentally just finished the section where he discusses the concept of Kegels. If you’re not familiar with this, it’s an exercise named after Dr. Arnold Kegel that the ladyfolk use to work their, ahem, more delicate parts. I’m just going to assume that this can be applied to my buttocks. A few minutes a couple times a day, and my bottom will soon bring to mind a fresh, firm Georgia peach. I’ll be Kegelin’ with the best of ’em. Matter of fact, as I type this, I already am.