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Archive for October, 2012

My Thoughts Upon Reaching The Halfway Point Of The Hunger Games Trilogy

I’m halfway through Catching Fire, the second book of The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins. Here’s what I think.

–Ever since the first mention of the dad being “vaporized” in a mine explosion, I’ve been assuming he’s still alive. I learned from watching the wildly popular Nicolas Cage action film The Rock that if you want to people to think someone is dead but can’t provide a body, you say they were vaporized.

–He’s probably living in District 13. Or he really is dead.

–I’m not on Team Gale or Team Peeta. Quite frankly Katniss needs to stop stringing both of them along. She’s been confused about her feelings for both guys so far, and has stated that she doesn’t want to have kids. So to solve that, she should just hook up with Madge, or Greasy Sae.

–I don’t see why Haymitch’s drinking is portrayed in such a bad light. If I survived the Hunger Games and didn’t have to work anymore, I’d drink every day too. He’s actually become something of a role model for me.

That’s it. I should know how all this plays out within the week.

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Shame On Hot Pockets For Enabling Snoop Dogg/Lion’s Insatiable Appetite For Attention

Wha, how — why — what is happening?

Tony Fly: “Every Morning, I Unwrap My Lips From Around The Barrel Of A Shotgun So That One Day I Can Again Act As The Proverbial Shepherd To The Metaphorical Sheep That Comprise The Aimlessly Wandering Populace Of The Twin Cities Metropolitan Area”

October 16, 2012 1 comment

“Wow, that headline looks really bad on paper. Allow me to ameliorate that quote,” said recently displaced radio personality Tony Fly from a recliner in his den.

“I am not, I repeat, NOT going to kill myself. It’s like this — I…well, the past few months have been rough. I had to pawn off all my silverware, so when I eat breakfast in the morning, I have to jam pappy’s old shotgun directly into my bucket of ice cream. It gets caked up in the barrel, so then I kind of unhinge my jaw — like a boa constrictor — and suck the cream out. Crude? Yes. Delicious? Even more yes. Once I’m done with that though, I absolutely crush it on Monster.com, because the Twin Cities need me back in action.”

Let’s backtrack for a moment. Unless you’ve been living in a wi-fi deficient shanty town since August, you undoubtedly know that Tony Fly, the legendary radiotronic demigod that once blessed the greater Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area with his divine insight and wit on various programs, was relieved of his morning show duties on the area’s adult contemporary station 96.3 K-Twin. Fly has also appeared in Taco Bell commercials endorsing Doritos Locos Tacos during syndicated episodes of The Simpsons on local channel 45.

“I make sure the gun isn’t loaded when I’m using it to eat. Safety first, kids,” Fly said into a microphone, the wire of which could be seen coiling out from under Fly’s Transformers blanket onto the floor and eventually ending, not plugged into anything, near an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.

“No one does it better. He’s a consummate professional. Would I hire him? Absolutely not, unless he finds a way to regenerate himself into a hot 23 year-old girl every few years,” said Dave Ryan, a noted supporter of hot 23 year-old girls, and longtime host of KDWB’s morning show. “We just wouldn’t have a place for him on the show,” Ryan went on, “Unless he was, you know, a hot 23 year-old girl.”

Fly, on how he was let go: “Well, when we switched formats from 96 Now to K-Twin a few months back, a guy came into the studio and told me to start saying “K-Twin” instead of “96 Now” while I was on the air. I asked him if, due to the changes, I would still be receiving a bi-weekly paycheck. He said yes, so I quickly said to myself ‘K-Twin K-Twin K-Twin,’ while slapping myself on the forehead so I would remember. Flash forward a few months, and I’m out on my ass. A lot of good all that studying did.”

On if he’s open to new opportunities: “I’ve been in radio for so long, I don’t really know any other way. The people of the Twin Cities need me. Imagine a world where I’m not there to break down the rich, multi-tiered symbolism Adam Levine injects into Maroon 5 songs. Imagine a world where people don’t know what I thought of last night’s American Idol episode. Well let me tell you something — you don’t have to imagine that world. It’s here. These people are nothing but lost and wandering sheep. And one day, I hope not too long from now, I will rise from the ashes, like a phoenix, and a shepherd, too — like a shepherd phoenix — to guide them back to the celestial waters of radio perfection.”

At this point, Fly took a potty break. In the den, a prolonged, guttural, world-weary sigh could be heard emanating from the restroom. Upon his return, he picked his nose a little, and said “Well, we can head down to Taco Bell if you want. Sometimes they recognize me in there, and I get a small discount.”

The interview ended shortly after that.

Flatulent Doofus Ruins Vikings Game

In what’s being hailed as a calamity in the world of football fandom, a freak accident has left thousands dead and even more hurting at the Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Officials are still sifting through the details, but here is what this reporter has deduced thus far — dirty fart dust from a low-level Dome employee entered the main ventricle of the building’s ventilation network, mixed with 30 year’s worth of bacteria buildup, and then began to expand, mutate, and clone itself as it gained wide distribution throughout the structure. It went on to shut down the respiratory systems of thousands of football fans, and sent those who didn’t perish into varying degrees of dilapidated consciousness and shortness of breath.

“At first, the blast seemed to be harmless, but when circulated by the propellers used to support the roof, it was amplified twenty-fold,” said David H. Geiger*, designer of the Metrodome’s innovative roof system.

“We usually install safeguards against this type of disaster, but air filtration technology has only advanced so far,” Geiger went on.

“Filter too much, and the air gets stagnant. Don’t filter enough, and this happens,” he said. “This exact event is every inflatable roof engineer’s nightmare.”

While a good amount of blame can be placed on Geiger’s shoulders, a small amount should also be directed at the guy who farted. Emilio Consuela-Rodriguez-Smith, a backup peanut vendor who was waiting in a hallway in the event that he would be called up, reported that he was trying to lift a heavy case of pickles when “it” happened.

“I bent down to pick up the case. It was heavier than I thought, and I floated an air biscuit in front of what I believed at the time to be a vent that led outdoors. Turns out it was a vital roof-supporting intake fan. My bad.”

His bad, indeed. The intake fan immediately sucked in Consuela-Rodriguez-Smith’s effluvium, and wasted no time in distributing it to the entire crowd present at the Vikings-Titans game. The after-effects were instant.

“I’ve. Never. Seen. So. Much. Vomit,” Vikings coach Leslie Frazier said from his hospital room, using a DECtalk© speech synthesizer (the same device that Stephen Hawking uses) to communicate, after losing conversational faculties due to a collapsed lung.

Figures from the Hennepin County Medical Center cemented the incident as a Level Seven Flatulence Disaster. How a single fluff from a clueless idiot could have such a ridiculous and improbable impact remain the source of much speculation, hilarity, and hotness.

In other news, iron lung sales are skyrocketing in the greater Minneapolis-St. Paul area, creating a few jobs that will last for a couple of weeks.

*It was just brought to my attention, by me, that Geiger passed away in 1989. Everything else in this article has been fact-checked and verified.

Columbus Day

In honor of Christopher Columbus, I went exploring the other day. I drove south and discovered Minneapolis. Though I did forget to demand gold from the natives and cut off their hands when they didn’t bring me enough. Next time.

 

October Is Man Nipple Health Awareness Month

My nipples are my livelihood. Did you know that, in lieu of a lactating woman, a man’s nipple has a placebocratic effect on a hungry infant? Or, when slathered in peanut butter, the masculine teat can provide fun and sustenance for canines? These are just two uses for what many believe to be a vestigial adornment on the male body.

So why Man Nipple Health Awareness Month? Just the other day, Lefty was nearly mangled by the business end of a pitchfork. I escaped with minor abrasions. After many, many erotic soapings followed by even steamier Neosporin applications to the affected area, it got me thinking that I’ve always taken all of the nipples on my body for granted. You never know when circumstances will arise that can tragically rip, scrape, suck, or slice one off. This October, be aware of your nipples, and the rippling influence they have had on your life. Treasure them, dammit. Treasure them.

Artistic rendering of one of my nipples

Book Review: All Facts Considered by Kee Malesky

All Facts Considered – The Essential Library of Inessential Knowledge, by NPR librarian Kee Malesky, covers a wide variety of interesting facts, some worth knowing, some not. Here’s a small spray of topics covered:

–The abbreviations et al. (Latin, et alii or et aliae) and etc. (Latin, et cetera) have the same basic meaning: and others, and the rest, and so on. The difference is that et al. should be used when referring to people, and etc. when referring to things.

–The platypus and the anteater are the world’s only monotremes, or mammals that lay eggs.

–Male seahorses get pregnant.

–A cheese connoisseur is called a turophile.

–It takes nearly a year and about 450 different laborers to make a Steinway grand piano, which has over 12,000 parts.

–18th century physicians used a tobacco smoke enema to revive drowning victims.

–Frankenstein is not the name of the monster, it’s the name of the scientist who fabricated him; in the book, he named his creation Adam.

–Martin Van Buren was the first president born in the United States; all the earlier presidents were born in the colonies.

There are many, many more. Good book.

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