Internet—I need your assistance. The other day there was this guy wearing whitey-tighties, except that they were black, so they weren’t whitey-tighties at all.
Is there an established name similar to whitey-tighties for black briefs? Like ‘lack-of-slack-black undergarment?’
Michael Cedarwood: Good evening, Michael. Now tell us why you would be a good president.
Michael Cedarwood: First off, Michael, I would love to express my love for America. Hold for applause. And the constitution. Hold for more applause.
Michael Cedarwood: You don’t have to say ‘hold for applause.’ If I want to clap, I will do so whenever I want.
Michael Cedarwood: Okay, let’s get star—-[loud clapping noises erupt]
Michael Cedarwood: See?
Michael Cedarwood: Touche.
Michael Cedarwood: Now tell us how you would fix America.
Michael Cedarwood: My solution to set America straight is a modest proposal, much like A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick, by Jonathan Swift.
Michael Cedarwood: So you are saying the poor should sell their babies as food to the rich.
Michael Cedarwood: No. Swift wrote that in 1729. In today’s world, even the middle class could afford a meal of impoverished baby.
Michael Cedarwood: My goodness, that is true. I could go for some baby, I guess. It’s probably very, very tender.
Michael Cedarwood: I think you and I are hovering right around the poverty line. That means we would be the ones selling the babies, not feasting on them.
Michael Cedarwood: Well, the main focus of my campaign just shifted to make impoverished babies affordable for all.
Michael Cedarwood: Are you flip-flopping?
Michael Cedarwood: If saying that I think all people should be able to purchase a baby and then eat it is flip-flopping, then yes, I am flip-flopping.
Michael Cedarwood: Would the babies all be the same price? Maybe the less-fresh ones could be sold at say, Aldi, for dirt cheap, while the more desirable infants could be purchased at Kowalski’s.
Michael Cedarwood: I don’t see why not. And don’t forget Trader Joe’s. But they’d probably coat them in flaxseed or stuff ’em full of pomegranate or something weird like that.
Michael Cedarwood: This time of year, it would be pumpkin spice.
Michael Cedarwood: Totally. The baby could go right inside the pumpkin. Absorb the flavor.
Michael Cedarwood: Now that would be something else.
Michael Cedarwood: Sure would.
Michael Cedarwood: What were we talking about?
Michael Cedarwood: I don’t know.
Did you know that rabbits cannot vomit due to their very muscular cardiac sphincters? Now you do. The same goes for chinchillas, and rodents in general. Horses also have the same thing going on.
This has been Educational Wednesday.