The One Thing I Hate About People Who Don’t Speak English

Hot damn, was I on fire today. A raunchy one-liner here, an edgy anecdote there, a hilarious observation about someone on the street (I totally burned some broad wearing a purple faux-velvet bodysuit) — I pitched the proverbial “perfect game.” It was ricockulous. I literally didn’t say one stupid thing.

This other-wordly performance came at a savagely ironic cost: it fell on Spanish ears. The only person blessed enough to be within earshot of me didn’t understand one word I said. We were just ridin’ around in the work truck all day, and he had no clue what was unfolding before him, the beauty of it. He was just over there starin’ at me like I was speaking Chinese. What if only the blind were allowed in art museums? What if only the deaf were allowed to experience music? It’s like I travelled back in time to the mid-’90’s, made love all over Elizabeth Hurley, then set off a chain of events that led to me erasing my own existence before I could come back to the present and tell all my friends.

And that is the one thing I hate about people who don’t speak English. They’re missing out on all the amazing things I have to say.

Blong. Here is the Robert Goulet All-Holiday special.

A Guy With A Beard Sits Here And Talks About The Four Laws Of Thermodynamics

Ah yes, the four laws of thermodynamics. Can’t live without ’em. And if you can, that means you live in an alternate dimension, and I would like to shake your hand, if you even have one. But what exactly are the four laws of thermodynamics? How to they apply to your life? Allow me to explain in the following post. As a side note, I haven’t shaved since Halloween, and I’ve noticed that everything is better with a beard. So I used beard analogies to make everything easily understandable.

*To begin, the first law of thermodynamics is actually the zeroth law. How there can be a zeroth law? That’s this whole other thing that goes into like philosophy and math and logic and other esoterica that this guy with a beard is going to have to research, and maybe someday explain.

Here it is, the zeroth (first) law of thermodynamics:

“If two systems are in thermal equilibrium with a third system, then they are by law in thermal equilibrium with each other.”

Interesting.

Imagine that there’s a man with a beard – thick and commanding, like the picture that would be next to “beard” in the dictionary. The thought of a scarf has never crossed his mind. He goes to a circus, and is appalled to see that the devious carnies claim to have in their midst a “bearded woman.” He sees her in her cage, but all she’s got is that weak peach-fuzz all over her face that most (but not all) women just wax off. “THAT’S NO BEARD!!!,” the man with the real beard yells as he throws the gnarled remains of his Pronto Pup at her cage. Looks like those two beards will never achieve equilibrium with each other.

But wait. Let’s go to the dictionary.

Beard – noun \beerd\ – the collection of hair that grows on the chin, cheeks, and neck of human beings.

Two very different beards – one a high-water mark in the world of facial hair, one weak and controversial. Opposite ends of the spectrum. Yet, they are both hair growing on the chin, cheeks, and neck of a human. Therefore, the two systems (man beard and woman beard), are in flocculent equilibrium with a third system (the definition of a beard), thus by law equilibriumizing them with each other.

The first (really the second) law of thermodynamics:

“Energy can be transformed, that is, changed from one form to another. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.”

Interesting, again.

Go back a few months, and imagine again the man with the beard from the zeroth law parable. Only now it’s months earlier, and he doesn’t have a beard. He has only recently decided to stop shaving for a while. In the coming weeks, hair appears, from seemingly nowhere, on his face. Was this hair (hair = energy in this example) created from nothing? As a person with a beard knows, it seems as though your face just spews the stuff out from nowhere. Get ready to have your socks rocked off. The hair (energy) isn’t being magically created out of nothing. The bearded man’s face makes it out of other stuff that already exists in his body (proteins, I think), that came from other stuff, that came from other stuff, and on, and on, and on (who knows where the original “stuff” came from). And when he shaves it off, it will be transformed into something else, possibly a merkin.

The second law of thermodynamics:

“In time, differences in temperature, pressure, and chemical possibility eventually equalize in an isolated physical system.”

Very simplified, heat flows from hot to cold.

Back to the man with the beard. It is the present day again, and he has his full, glorious beard. He’s working the late shift at White Castle, and some hair falls out of his beard onto a delicious slider that is cooking on the grill. He sets that one aside, telling himself that he’ll pick the hair off in a moment. He later eats it, forgetting to pick the hair out. Afterwards he realizes that he didn’t even taste the hair. This is because the heat from the meat flowed into the hair, equalizing their temperatures. The numerous chemicals present in a White Castle hamburger were absorbed by the hair, giving it flavor, therefore equalizing in that area as well. This is why it is estimated that the average American ingests about three to seven pounds of hair per year from eating in public restaurants. Nobody even knows it’s there! Hell, half of an average White Castle burger alone is probably hair. All the employees there are just so hip to the laws of thermodynamics that they can get away with it.

The third (fourth) law of thermodynamics:

It is impossible to cool a system to absolute zero (for A-muhr’icans, that’s -459.67 °F, for Celsiites, -273.15 °C, and for whoever uses the Kelvin scale, 0 K).

Let’s say the man with the beard is locked in a freezer – the coldest freezer EVER conceived by man. Actually, I don’t really know how to explain this. The closer something gets to absolute zero, the less energy it has available to get colder, I think. Similar to trying to reach the speed of light, like E=mc². To go faster, the mass has to exponentially increase in proportion to the energy or something like that. Ergo, it can’t really happen.

*There’s a good chance most of this is wrong.

Kim Jong-il Dead

I heard all this on the radio this morning. Most of this is coming from official North Korean literature:

-The first time Kim Jong-il ever played golf, he shot 38 under par, including 11 holes-in-one. Only his body guards witnessed the round.

-When he was born, winter immediately turned to spring, and rainbows appeared.

-He didn’t defecate.

-His suits became a global fashion craze.

-He was once prescribed painkillers, and, fearing addiction, made all of his closest associates take them as well. That way he wouldn’t be the only addict.

-His mood influenced the weather.

-He was the world’s biggest Hennessey customer.

I Need To Stop Working Out So Much

Yesterday I was going to grab my ice scraper from the back seat of Mildred (the “stunning silver” Altima). Pulled on the handle, and that sucker ripped right off. Wasn’t even trying that hard either.

Don’t Shave December

I know everyone out there is concerned with what is happening in, on, and around my face these days. Here’s the scoop: No Shave November was such a raging success that the fun is being prolonged indefinitely into what we are calling Don’t Shave December. From a fiscal standpoint, this makes a great deal of sense. I’m saving money on shaving cream, and I’m saving time (time is money) by not shaving. The ever-thickening mass of hair on my face is stopping heat from escaping my body and eliminating the need to purchase a scarf as we descend into the cold winter months. This beard is basically made out of money. And dreams.

Korean Hermaphrodites

Three people have come to this Blog by typing “Korean Hermaphrodite” into a search engine, and three people have more than likely left this Blog unsatisfied with what they found here. Why? I believe the term Korean Hermaphrodite was used in this post back in October. Now that I think about it, the fact that I have now created a post with the title Korean Hermaphrodite, and used the phrase several times throughout, will probably lead even more perverts here than ever. I don’t mind, I’ll take whatever readership I can get.

Name Change Again

If you look at the title bar up there, you will notice that the name now being used for this Blog is Michael Cedarwood. Using the “middle name + street you grew up on” formula, that is my porn name. Why the change? I was getting traffic from people searching for Cliff Kennelly (the name I was using that was a combo of the street I live on and a street that intersects that street), and I figured I’d do the real Cliff Kennelly a solid and let him have sole ownership of the name. I don’t want people coming here and thinking that the real Cliff is some weird idiot, when it’s just me. So if you have arrived here by searching for Cliff Kennelly, please take note that nothing here has anything to do with the real Cliff Kennelly.

People Are Stupid

I read this article about Coke’s holiday cans. They’re white, not red. People are apparently drinking it, thinking that they’re getting Diet Coke. It says Coca-Cola right on the can. Not Diet Coca-Cola. I learned at a young age that when I wanted to drink something out of a can, I could pick the can up, read the label on the can, and the label would tell me what was in the can. To this day, that strategy still works.

Here’s the article: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/a-frosty-reception-for-coca-cola-s-white-christmas-cans.html