Here’s how to make everyone in America happy after November’s election: Barack Obama and Mitt Romney can combine their powers to form the juggernaut Mirack Obomney. What about the vice president? I thought of that too. We bring in Ralph Nader and Ross Perot, who will congeal into Rolph Perader. For added enforcement, a hologram of Reagan will preside over meetings between Obomney and Perader, all while the choicest cuts from Clinton’s mid-’90s White House harem make the rounds, seeing to it that no Cuban goes unlit and no scotch glass ever empties.
In a recent interview conducted in Target Field’s locker room shower, Joe Mauer, Minnesota’s veritable Golden Boy, revealed that his favorite part of being in the big leagues isn’t the money, fame, or even the fact that he plays a child’s game for a living.
“It’s definitely showering,” Mauer said with a devilish grin. “Taking a nice cold post-game shower is just as important as stretching pre-game. But not too cold, this guy knows what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed as he tickled Justin Morneau under the chin as if he were a cat.
This may come as a surprise to fans, many of whom often fantasize about life as a ball player.
“Really? He said showering?” replied one morbidly obese man who faithfully attends every home game at Target Field. “A guy I used to work with told me the players get as many left-over hot dogs from the night before as they want. It seems like that would be the best part. Hold on, hey! HEY!! Well thanks a pant-load, you made me miss the cotton candy man.”
The shower, not the field, according to Mauer, is where individuals truly become a team.
“The shower is where the team really comes together. Heck, just the other day I helped Gardy scrub a couple spots on his back that he couldn’t reach. Then I reminded him to eat plenty of Kemps dairy products to keep his bones strong. I wouldn’t want him slipping and breaking a wrist in there.”
Although not prompted to, Mauer continued to wax rhapsodic about his love of showering.
“Even on an off day I’ll call a team meeting, just to get everyone together. I learned as a rookie that no one feels the need to shower after a meeting, so now I get there a couple minutes early and really crank up the heat in the conference room. Half an hour in that sucker, and all the guys are dying to strip down and run some Head and Shoulders through their sweaty hair.”
When asked about the team’s prospects for next year, Mauer had this to say: “We’ve got some really talented guys coming up. But they’ve got a lot of things to learn, like discipline and patience. I recently drove my Chevrolet down to Rochester to scout them out. A lot of these guys are only spending five, six, seven minutes showering after the game. So I got in there and educated them on what it’s like in a real big league shower environment. You know, the importance of a good, frothy lather, keeping a nice wide stance to avoid slipping, and teamwork. It always comes back to teamwork.”
At the conclusion of the interview, Mauer turned off the water, slapped a few teammates on the ass, and yelled “Last one to the towel rack has to rub everyone else dry!”