How To Get Rid Of A Farmer’s Tan

I was naked the other day and realized I’ve got a wicked farmer’s tan goin’ on. Today, I am concocting an outfit to allow the whiter areas of my body to catch up with the more leathery. Here is how:

-I will get a turtleneck and cut the neck off of it. Then I’ll cut the arms off just above the elbows. The extracted pieces will be worn on my neck and arms to stop them from getting any darker.

-Acquire some tighty whities to cover my buttocks and genitalia. I can’t risk exposing them to sunlight, too much is at stake.

-Get a pair of pants. Any old kind will do. This will be the same as the turtleneck trick. Cut them off just above the knees, and wear the bottom part to cover the lower portion of my legs, allowing my creamy thighs to attain a deep, lustrous tan. My feet will also be left exposed in order to even out the sock line.

-Go outside, and let el sol take care of the rest.

Things I Learned From “Scoremanship” by Frank Gray

Title: Scoremanship

Author: Frank Gray

Published: 1969, Bantam Books

Here are some things I learned from this book.

-A quote on how the “Distraction Technique” works:

“Tell her, ‘I’d like to treat you to the world’s best food by cooking dinner for us at my place tonight. What would you rather have—spaghetti or lasagna?’ By making her decide which she prefers, you have caused her, automatically, to agree to come to your apartment—which was what you were after in the first place.”

What I learned: When a woman is presented with a choice between spaghetti or lasagna, saying “neither” is in no way an option. Women are incredibly easy to fool, and can be tricked into going on a date with you.

-On how to pick up a woman in an elevator:

“As she gets out, follow her…..If you are courteous, she will be flattered…..Invite her to have a drink with you…..Girls love the idea that a man wants to talk to them. Chances are she will give you her phone number.”

What I learned: Stalking a woman on or near an elevator will not creep her out. I think it also helps if you stand behind her, occasionally leaning in for a sniff, and collecting stray hairs off of her head and clothes. When she inevitably comes back to your place, she will be impressed that you took the time to craft a hair doll in her likeness.

-A section entitled “Probing” offers this:

“If, by chance, when you take her hand, she pulls it away or gives you the feeling that you’re rushing the situation, cool it for awhile; then, of course, start again.”

What I learned: No means yes.

-When you’ve got her at your place:

“If she says, ‘I want children and a white house with a picket fence,’ that’s what you want. If she says, ‘I want to be a swinger and don’t want to get to bed until two and I don’t want kids right away,’ that’s what you want.”

What I learned: Don’t be yourself. Women hate you.

Go Ahead, Wiretap Me All You Want

I don’t mind. It’s the sorry bastard that has to listen in on my calls that should be out there protesting. If somebody is getting paid to listen to me talk in a variety of voices and accents, make odd animal noises, and have conversations about whether or not turtles can breathe through their anuses (some can), more power to him or her.

My one concern is that some brown-nosed yes-man looking to make a name for himself will mistakenly decipher all this as some sort of bizarre code, instead of taking it at face value.

If so, all I can say to the government is this: come at me bro.

Happy Birthday To My Mother

Well, today is the birthday of my Mother. She taught me a great deal about frugality, which is why I’ve been using the same sandwich bag for over five months now, and haven’t flushed my toilet in three. She’s on vacation Brazil at the moment, but this is the conversation we will have when she gets back in a week or so.
Me: I got you flowers on your birthday, but they got old and I had to throw them out.
Mother: You shouldn’t have!
Me: Oh good, ‘cuz I didn’t.
Lesser mothers would be disappointed, maybe even insulted. Mine however, will be happy that I thought about getting her flowers. Then, she will be even more happy when she realizes that I was able to brighten her day without spending any money at all. Happy birthday Mom!