Home > Satire > What Christmas Songs Can We Still Listen To?

What Christmas Songs Can We Still Listen To?

Christmas is almost here, everyone. Time to decorate the tree, bake some cookies, and kick back by the fire while listening to some tunes. You’ve probably got that fire going because it’s cold outside. But don’t listen to that classic ode to rape, ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside.’

After boycotting (and out-screaming anyone who says it isn’t about rape) that song, I began listening to a playlist of old hits. It turns out that the biggest war on Christmas has already arrived in the form of classic Christmas music.

Read the lyrics of any Christmas song, and if you look hard enough, you’ll see that all of them refer to some kind of illicit activity. The following list is by no means comprehensive. Feel free to comment below with your own discoveries.

Here are the most obvious allusions to criminal activity that I found:

All I Want For Christmas Is You. A crystal clear nod to sex trafficking.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Thinly-veiled commie ballad.

Let it Snow. Cocaine.

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Alt-right white supremacy. And also cocaine.

O Holy Night. Secret slang in the world of cocaine users (cocaine is snorted through holes).

O Little Town of Bethlehem. Way before Jesus became Bethlehem’s most famous export, this little town produced a large amount of blow.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Hmm, let’s see. Grandma drinks to much eggnog and decides she’s going to walk home? Any old person worth their salt would fall asleep, and that’s before the powerful effects of eggnog set in. See where this is going? You guessed it—Grandma took a few zips of nose candy and unwittingly wandered right into Santa’s flight path.

Back Door Santa. I just found out about this song, and boy am I one steaming little cup of decaf. At first, I believed it to be about anal sex (I heard some youth at Target use the term), but then I remembered that a lot of cocaine arrives in this country via little balloons packed full of white lightning, which are then inserted into the rear end (back door) of the intended mule.

Mele Kalikimaka. This is simply what comes out when someone who is coked to the gills tries to say ‘Merry Christmas.’

So this Christmas season, you may as well skip right ahead to Easter music. I recommend the Rolling Stones, who named themselves after the stone that was rolled away from the tomb of Jesus.

music notes

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

  1. December 23, 2018 at 4:45 pm

    There’s also Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart, apparently about illicit human body parts trade.

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