Archive

Archive for June, 2014

Ten Things People Love About Lists

1: You love lists. This is a list.

2: You can share this list on Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr, to let everyone know that you have read a list, and that you want them to read the same list.

3: This list connects with you in some deep way, it confirms a belief you hold, or it talks about your childhood. It really does.

4: You would someday like to make a list of your own, but this list listed all the things you could ever dream of listing. Now you have more free time to read lists.

5: After you say ‘list’ a lot, it begins to sound like it’s not really a word.

6: If there were a top ten list of the top ten lists, this list would be included.

7: This top ten list is unique in that it only contains seven items.

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The Decline of Walmart

A Walmart near my home recently moved to a new location in the next town over.

In the world of corporate warfare, a lateral move is an odd tactic for a sprawling empire. The retail giant has never shied away from cramming as much Walmart into the world as it can. Why go to the trouble of moving a store from one town, when it would be easier and more profitable to leave the original location, and simply open another?

For example, everyone that shops at Walmart is morbidly obese, and has anywhere from five to seven children, no older than age four. The sheer logistics of transporting the raw tonnage of just one Walmart-supporting familial unit across town and into the store is mind boggling, especially when the family knows they will be competing for items to cough on and space to sweat with hundreds of other identical individuals. It has to be difficult. Just imagine for a second. Now add five miles to the drive. If you listen closely, you can hear the ball bearings on all those 1995 Dodge Caravans quivering in terror.

Why risk discouraging these honest, blue collar, XXXL sweatshort-wearing folks from travelling to the new location by adding extra distance to their trip?

Think about it. Money, a commodity of which Walmart has an unlimited supply, would normally solve any problems the company has with legal issues, labor disputes, real estate, and of course, constructing as many Walmart stores as possible.

So, what possible problem exists that won’t go away when money is offered as the solution?

The only explanation for the relocation is this—the site is haunted. Multitudes of ghosts, uninsured and very very poor because they worked at Walmart while among the living, have taken up residence in the store. These former employee ghosts scare the children. When children get scared, they urinate and defecate everywhere. When there is liquid waste and scat everywhere, even the regulars become alarmed and the area is declared a biohazard. Not even Walmart’s fat cash stack can sop up that much bodily fluid.

Add to that the fact that no amount of money will get those ghosts to leave, because they are ghosts, and they don’t want or need money.

This is only the beginning. Look for a rising number of Walmart stores to change locale in the near future as they slowly become overrun by ethereal beings who lack the means to cure a simple cough. All the confusion and jostling around will eventually frustrate the customer base enough to give up on the beloved brand entirely, and give rise to a new dynasty waiting in the wings, a company not infiltrated by a mass paranormal invasion.

It’s all right here in this graph:walmartgraph

 

 

 

 

 

A Simple Request

I think my relationship is on the rocks.

I recently told this chick I’m seeing that it’s unacceptable for her to have dated anyone before me.

On every trip to her house since then, I can’t help but notice the lack of effort she’s put into obeying my command—travel through time, and change the past. One day, when she was in the restroom for a really really long time, I poked around a bit. An investigation of her internet search history came up with exactly zero schematics for a flux capacitor. The ‘Recently Watched’ category on her Netflix showed she hasn’t viewed Quantum Leap, Timecop, or the episode of Family Matters where Urkel invents a time machine. On the bookshelf, there was nothing even close to the subject of physics, let alone the theory of relativity, knowledge of which is essential to transcend linear time.

How I interpret this: she has not even thought about travelling back in time to change her relationship history in order to make me happy.

Next time I’m visiting, when she’s passing the laxative-laced Taco John’s meal I will have brought for her, I think I’ll use the alone time to inspect the shed and see what’s going on in there. From the outside, it doesn’t appear big enough to house a DeLorean, or even a circular metal pod that is thick enough to withstand the sparks and zaps that occur when space-time is warped, but we’ll see.

If the shed doesn’t turn up anything, the excavation of her yard then begins, in search of a large elliptical disc that she maybe recovered from aliens and is using to reverse engineer their technology in hopes of making the buttons and gears more useful for human hands.

If that doesn’t work, I don’t know.

 

 

 

Bird Problems

Does anyone out there possess knowledge of bird digestive systems? I’m pretty sure the one that lives on my balcony has diarrhea. Normally, they leave small, white, circular marks that easily wash away with any rainfall. Lately, there are giant chunky piles with residual splatter that travels up to three feet.

I’ve already pumped a few worms full of Pepto and left them in a dish near the nest. The projectile shatting only seemed to intensify after that.

Help! I don’t know what to do!

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