For some time now, I have been involved in an ongoing gonzo investigation of the fitness community. In order to fully grok this culture, attending the gymnasium has been a very real part of my life. Until now, I hadn’t been able to put into words what this society was all about, when someone went and did it for me — during a recent session, I overheard the following conversation. What you are about to read fully encapsulates a strange breed festooned with tribal tattoos, rage issues, and arid husks of what used to be testicles.
Man, borderline yelling, to his brother:
“YEAH, SORRY I WAS LATE BRO. I GOT HALFWAY HERE, THEN I WAS TRYING TO LOOK AT MY BICEPS WHILE I WAS SITTING AT A STOPLIGHT, AND NOTICED THAT MY SHIRT STILL HAD SLEEVES ON IT. SO I TURNED AROUND TO GO HOME SO I COULD CUT THEM OFF. I WALKED BY MY MIRROR AND SAW THAT MY HAIR COULD USE SOME MORE GEL, SO YOU KNOW, THERE’S TEN MINUTES RIGHT THERE. THEN, JUST TO BE SAFE, I SPRAYED ON ANOTHER COAT OF AXE WHILE SINGING ALONG TO SOME NICKELBACK TO WARM UP MY VOCAL CORDS FOR ALL THE SCREAMING I’M GOING TO DO DURING MY CURLS. HEY, COULD YOU HOLD ON A SEC, BRO? I GOTTA MAKE A PHONE CALL. (dials and begins talking) “HEY BRO, WHAT UP MAN, I’M AT THE GYM, CAN’T TALK, ABOUT TO GET MY CURL ON, CAN I CALL YOU LATER? WE’LL HIT UP HAPPY HOUR AND SLAM SOME MICHELOB ULTRAS. TIGHT. PEACE.” ANYWAYS, BRO, WHAT WAS I SAYING? HEY, WHO’S THAT IN THE CORNER WATCHING US? WHAT A HOMO. ANYWAYS, BRO, FEEL MY PECS. GETTING PRETTY BIG, RIGHT? CHICKS LOVE THAT. SPEAKING OF CHICKS, YOU SEE THAT LITTLE SQUISH OVER THERE? THAT’S MY GIRL, BRO. CHECK OUT THE DUMPER ON HER. NICE, RIGHT? HEY, BRO, QUIT LOOKING AT MY GIRL’S ASS, BRO! DIDN’T I JUST TELL YOU THAT WAS MY GIRL? DAMN, BRO, IF YOU EVER TOOK MY ADVICE YOU’D DOUBLE YOUR CREATINE INTAKE AND GET CUT UP LIKE ME AND MAYBE YOU’D HAVE YOUR OWN GIRL INSTEAD OF PEEPIN’ MINE ALL THE TIME. IT’S SICK BRO, I’M GETTIN’ MORE TRIM THAN A BARBERSHOP FLOOR OVER HERE. YO, BRO, BEFORE WE START THIS SET LET’S FLEX IN FRONT OF THIS MIRROR. UGGGHHH!!!! WHAT’S THAT BRO? I HAVEN’T HEARD A THING YOU’VE SAID. I’D TAKE MY EARBUDS OUT, BUT THIS NEW PITBULL ALBUM IS TOO DOPE.”
The conversation went on for some time after that, but there wasn’t much to be learned from it. Conclusion — I immersed myself in the culture, and emerged on the other side with my gonads the same size as when I began, which is not something every blue-blooded gym patron can say.
“As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.”
– Carl Jung
Ah yes, the meaning of life. Who knows what it is, but I can tell you this with near certainty — a hefty portion of the equation involves food, for without it we would perish. And if there is food to be ingested, it may as well taste good. So, make a dash to the store and pick up:
-Beans (buyer’s choice, I use black or pinto)
-Cheese (buyer’s choice)
Soften the sweet potatoes by boil. Put them in a bowl and add in beans and garlic powder. Mash it all together. Spread it over a plate and cover with cheese. Microwave until the cheese melts. Eat it. I used generic Triscuits to dip with. I also doused it with chicken wing sauce that I got at the Dollar Tree.
Here’s the Blong (Blog Song) of the day. Widespread Panic with Ain’t Life Grand.
We’re directly in the middle of 2012. Here’s what I’ve read so far, with a brief summary of each book.
William S. Burroughs – Nova Express – Don’t let people or machines or language control you.
Margaret Atwood – The Handmaid’s Tale – Women are stripped of freedoms to ensure their “protection,” and are forced into a very awkward mating ritual with an old guy and his wife.
James Dickey – Deliverance – It’s okay to murder a hillbilly who sodomized your friend.
Robert Graves – I, Claudius – Weak simpleton becomes emperor of Rome.
Dave Ramsey – The Total Money Makeover – Guy who used to be rich, then went bankrupt, then got rich again tells you that if you don’t spend money, you’ll have more money to spend.
Frank Miller – The Dark Knight Returns – Batman, now 55 years old, comes out of retirement.
Thomas Pynchon – The Crying of Lot 49 – Oedipa Maas searches for the Trystero.
Robert Anton Wilson – Prometheus Rising – Widen your reality tunnel.
-The Illuminatus! Trilogy (co-written with Robert Shea) – An 800 page philosophical, psychological, historical, mythical, science fictional, psychedelical trip through various conspiracy theories.
Philip K. Dick – Dr. Futurity – A doctor is transported to a future where death is glorified and saving lives is frowned upon.
-Ubik – People search for Ubik as they uncontrollably travel backwards in time.
Robert A. Heinlein – Stranger In a Strange Land – Man with human parents who has been raised by Martians is brought to Earth. Mucho grokking ensues.
Lao Tzu – Tao Te Ching – It’s all about the art of non-action. My kind of book.
H.P. Lovecraft – At The Mountains of Madness – Weird alien things found in Antarctica.
Hunter S. Thompson – Hell’s Angels – The Strange And Terrible Saga Of The Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs – Thompson hangs out with the Hell’s Angels for a year.