Friday Fun Facts – The Idiocy of Humanity

Humans are an amazing species. We’ve traveled to the depths of the ocean, propelled animals into outer space, and even figured out how to successfully operate on a live brain. Then there are those who stick their junk in a chainsaw. I found this list of instructions that have been put on products, most likely to address an incident involving whatever the instructions are about.

– Swedish Chainsaw – Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.

-Fritos – You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

-Swanson Frozen Dinner – Serving suggestion: defrost.

-Dial Soap – Directions: use like regular soap.

-Rowena Iron – Do not iron clothes on body.

-Sainsbury’s Peanuts – Warning: contains nuts.

-Sears Hairdryer – Do not use while sleeping.

-Knife Sharpener – Caution: knives are sharp.

-Bicycle Shin Pads – Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

-Microwave Oven – Do not use for drying pets.  Little Billy will never make that mistake again.

-Aspirin – Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

-Laundry Detergent – Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

-Rum bottle – Open bottle before drinking.

-Blowtorch – Not used for drying hair.

-Fireworks – Do not put in mouth.

-Wrist watch – Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.

Well I think you get the point. For every Einstein there’s a million rubes who end up with a watch stuck in their crotch. Next week on The Blog, I’m beginning an international publicity campaign. As we all know, the readership of this thing is already nationwide, and the next target is the WORLD!!!!! First stop – the Vegemite-devouring Australians. It’s going to be a pant-load of fun.

The YCL Marketing Plan

I realized I haven’t really posted anything about school in a while, so I figured I would let everyone in on my final project for marketing. For the next five weeks we are working on a marketing campaign for a company, band, restaurant, etc. One of the main things I have taken from this class is that having a good story sells. That’s why white people from the suburbs think Eminem is so cool. He used to live in the “ghetto.” Now he is basically insulting his fans by putting out pure trash and calling it music. Anyways, last night my gray blob came up with this back story for YCL. Some of it is true, some of it isn’t.

YoungCleanLegit (YCL) was born to a pair of southern Minnesota lovebirds back in the hairspray flavored 80’s. He grew up with a fierce aversion to physical labor, while passing the time in an old maple tree reading Calvin and Hobbes books. Without cable and video games, he was forced to use his brain to occupy the listless hours.  Well, some calamitous events occured and YCL found himself in his 20’s, living in a urine soaked cardboard box under a bridge, with nothing but rat steaks and pigeon eggs for sustenance. After making sweet, sweet blues music by banging on an empty beer case and playing an old kazoo that almost certainly infected him with angina pectoris, he decided to pull himself up by his boot straps and go out and get an education. He promptly looked down and realized that he did not own any footwear, and instead opted to yank himself up by the tapeworm that was peeking out of an open sore on the top of his foot. Rest assured, YCL is now disease free (he is Young, Clean, and Legit after all) and producing a William S. Burroughs influenced album entitled Nude Supper with the world’s first mute rapper, The Sound of Silence.  So gather round, and experience this atrocious bundle of wacked out sonic adventure.

Today’s Blong comes from Herb Alpert. Without this song, there would be no “Hypnotize” by Notorious B.I.G. Fast forward to the 3:10 mark. But also listen to the whole song because it is awesome.

Top Albums of 2010

You know, my whole life people are always telling me I can’t do stuff. “Don’t lick that”, “You can’t pee there”, Quit eating garbage.” Blah blah blah right? Well, in an unprecedented journalistic gamble, I’m going to go out on a limb and call out my favorite albums of 2010. In April. See, all these other so called “professional” publications procrastinate until December or January, toiling over the perfect list, when they really should be spending time with loved ones, or that cat they forgot they had. I am going to quash (WORD OF THE DAY WAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!) the mold and do it now. Cause what really happens in April? It does nothing for society.  I guess the major catch is that I think only one of these albums actually was released in 2010. I’m soooooo sorry. Get your own blog you freak.

1. Burial – Untrue.   I’m not sure what genre this is. I’m told dubstep, but who even really knows what that means?

2. Dessa – A Badly Broken Code.   This Minneapolite? Minneapolisian? person from Minneapolis is good. REAL GOOD. That’s all I can really say.

3. Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet – Savvy Show Stoppers.    Surf rock from the 80’s. I hate to keep using this word, but it is SAAAA-WEEEET!

4. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings – Dap-Dippin With Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings.  This is for all the old people who are always saying “They just don’t make music like they used to. I have osteoporosis.” Well, as a matter of fact, this band actually does make music like they used to, using all equipment from the 60’s and 70’s. So go drink some milk you old fart.

5.  Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – Up From Below.   I’m pretty sure this band is some type of cult or something, just look at pictures of them, but sweet sassy molassy do they make good music.

Well the Blong I wanted to use has apparently been disabled for embedding. Here’s another one from some Australian people. If you are a songwriter, this video holds the key to obtaining fame and fortune.

Friday Fun Facts-Lame Jokes Edition

The Friday Fun Facts is taking a slight left turn today, as we are going to share some really lame jokes with everyone. You’ve probably heard some of these before, and we’re all very happy for you.

-A teacher asked a student how he had spent his summer vacation. He replied “My dog ran into the street, and a car hit him right in the ass! It really messed him up.”  The teacher said to him “You should say rectum instead.” The boy looked confused and said “Rectum?! Damn near killed ’em!”

-A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?”

-What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

-Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

-What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing you idiot, apples can’t talk.

-Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.

-Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

-Why don’t they have toilet paper at KFC? Because it’s finger-lickin good.

-You’re such a smart ass you could sit on a bucket of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.

That one wasn’t really a joke, but I found it funny, so lay off, I’m trying my best.

The Thursday Tease

As I was sitting in a snobby Minneapolis coffee shop, wearing a turtleneck, sipping a 6$ expresso, and working on my new novel on an Apple laptop (it’s a tale of lies, deceit, and international intrigue: an erotic thriller if you will), all while talking on my cell phone about stock options and mutual funds, I came across this movie trailer. It might be good, or maybe not. That’s literally all I have today. I’ve got some stuff cooking for the Friday Fun Facts tomorrow.

Sweet and Sour Turkey Balls

WAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! How is everyone today? Hungry I hope. In an effort to keep The Blog phresh, and that is with a PH, caused it’s balanced mutha****a, we’re gonna go Martha Stewart all over your face with another edition of what I like to call “Cooking With Sean-Ow That’s Hot!”

All ingredients purchased at Aldi of course, so this entire meal costs like a buck fiddy per serving. As always, I don’t use measurements, so all quantifications are at the cooker’s discretion. Here’s what is happening:

-Get yourself a healthy amount of turkey meatballs. Put previously mentioned meatballs into a refridgeratable sealable container.

-Chop up some cloves of garlic. Also put these in the container.

-Dice up a gaggle of onions and add to the mix.

-I got these things that look like little oranges. Are those called clementines? Anyways, squeeze the juice out of some of those into the pot. And if you are feeling particularly saucy, maybe even toss the juiced pulp remains in.

-Slice up some tomatoes and jalapenos and spread across the amalgamation in a jovial manner.

-What you are going to want to do now is sprinkle some ginger and red pepper on the infusion in a rather arrogant fashion.

-Finally, add a hearty oozing of sweet and sour sauce.

-As of this writing, the concoction has been marinating in the fridge since 11pm last night, but please believe that once I get home it will be simmered over low heat for about an hour.

Today’s Blong comes courtesy of GangStarr, as a tribute to Guru, who passed away today.

Friday Fun Facts, but on a Monday!

Hey everybody, it’s been a little while since I rapped at ya. Don’t worry though, I’ve been doing alright. I’ve been on a Hunter S. Thompson kick lately, who most of you probably know as the author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  Today we are going to cover the interesting case of his campaign in the 1970 run for the sheriff of Pitkin County, Colorado on the Freak Power ticket. While you may not agree with many of his policies, you gotta admit that he ran a very straight forward, honest campaign, and in the end Democrats and Republicans actually worked with one another to defeat him. Here is a summary of his agenda if elected:

-Rip up all the streets and replace them with sod. All cars would be confined to parking lots on the outskirts of town.

-Change the name Aspen to Fat City, to prevent developers from commercializing the town.

-Legalization of drugs. Although he did promise he would not eat mescaline while on duty.

-He shaved his head and referred to his crew cut having, ex-army, Republican adversary as “my long haired opponent.”

-Any building tall enough to obstruct the view of the mountains would be knocked down.

-In the end, the Repubs dropped their candidate for sheriff in favor of the Democratic entrant, while the Democrats dropped their man for County Commisioner in favor of the Republican competitor to prevent a three way race. They ended up narrowly defeating Thompson. See, it is possible to work together!

Today’s blong is from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I believe that it harkens back to a simpler time, plus I’m a big fan of anything with whistling. But I get the vibe that someday this whole band will be found dead in a barn somewhere after drinking poisoned kool-aid, but for now they are making good music.

Band Names….Again

Donde esta la biblioteca everyone? For the non-Spaniards in the bunch, that means, “how is it going?” Well, I had some other stuff written last night, but it just wasn’t groovin right, you know? So I got lazy and threw together some more band names. I also began subscribing to the dictionary.com word of the day, and have been trying to impetuate those into each post. So that is what I have been up to. Well, before I start to bloviate (WORD OF THE DAY!!!! WOOOOOO WOOOOOOOO!!!!!) I’ll get to the band names. Same warning as always, contains crude language.

-Gay Witch Abortion – they are actually from Minneapolis, and I just listened to them recently. They can be summed up in one word, two syllables- SAAAA-WEEEET!!!!

-SuperHeavyGoatAss

-Da Bears – why yes, as a matter of fact they are from…….San Diego?

-The Asbestos Tampons           -Sex Rat             -Butt Stomach           -Gay Baby

-Roger’s Porn Collection        -Harmonica Lewinsky      -Chevy Metal    -Clusterfunk

-RapScallions

-Mel Gibson & the Pants – also from Minneapolis, also SAAA-WEEET

-The Mister Fuckhead Ensemble    -Cribshitter

-Slut Barf – “Hey Sean, what are you doing tonight?” “Oh nothing much…….just GOING TO SEE SLUT BARF!!!!BOOOOYAAAH!!!!

-Clown Vomit      -My!Gay!Husband!       -Steaming Wolf Penis      -Monster Cock Rally

-Best Fwends      -The Cornish Gay Men    -Bi-Furious       -Boneless Children Foundation

-White Pee          -Expensive Shit        -Those Fucking Unicorns

I think that will suffice for now. Here’s a blong that has kind of grown on me in the past few days.

Hey Rich People, Stay Out of Aldi!

Man, I think I ate too much cheese this weekend. Wooo wooo, next stop my thighs right? Anyways, as I made my regular Sunday jaunt to the local super discount grocer Aldi to replentish my cheese supply, my keen eye took notice of something. As I was walking through the parking lot, I noticed a Lexus. That’s weird, those are pretty expensive. Then, two cars later, an Audi. Where am I, Kowalski’s? Then, as I’m crossing the lane in front of the store, I almost get hit by a Jaguar. Thats understandable, because enough driving experience will tell you that rich people with nice cars actually can’t see anyone in a lower tax bracket.  I get cut off by some ass-hat in a BMW at least twice a week. They’re like the T-Rex. If you don’t move, it won’t see you, only with the posh upper class, if you don’t have a maxed-out Roth IRA, you are invisible to them.

Now, I’ve very much come to enjoy shopping with the flea ridden masses of Aldi; the pure entertainment of it. There’s the obese women wearing faux-velvet bodysuits, the white trash wearing overalls with nothing underneath, leaving massive amounts of man-nipple exposed to the public eye, and others who quite possibly floated to this country on a door. It’s a diverse cross-section. The ingredients that comprise the delicious stew that is America.  But I recently saw someone wearing a tie in there. Think about that. I don’t go walking into some hoighty toighty steakhouse wearing my tie dye shirt and flip flops. It’s a fair trade off I think. And guy in the tie was also the same person that took ten minutes to look at literally EVERY banana in the bin, while I creeped in and took the first batch off the top, because if you shop at Aldi as much as I do you obviously know any produce you buy there won’t last more than three days.  So what I’m saying is, Rich People, don’t look on in disgust if the impecunious set comes into your establishment if you are going to come into places like Aldi reeking of your “cologne” and “soap”.  They don’t even sell either of those at Aldi anyways.

Here’s a good blong to get the week rollin. Keeping with the theme of stinky poor people, here’s an oldie by Arrested Development.

Friday Fun Facts-Rich People Being Naughty Edition

It’s been awhile since we did the Friday Fun Facts, so here it is.  There’s nothing better than watching rich people use their fame and fortune to beat women, kill people, and spread sexually transmitted diseases around their communities, instead of maybe trying to help out the less fortunate. Because that would be totally boring. And it seems that all you have to do to clear your name these days is hit a few home runs or sell a few albums.

-Dr. Dre beat up a woman at a party in 1991. Here’s what he had to say about it- “People talk all this shit, but you know, somebody fuck with me, I’m gonna fuck with them. I just did it, you know. Ain’t nothing you can do now by talking about it. Besides, it ain’t no big thing– I just threw her through a door.”  He did no jail time.

-Vin Diesel once walked into a crowded mall with an erection. There were no survivors.

-That last one may or may not be true.

-I tried so hard to find dirt on Greg Gumbel. Probably one of the most boring people ever. When he does slip up, I’ll be there, in all my crapulent glory, laughing, dancing, and confident that I will be able to die a happy man.

-There’s a Derek Jeter Herpes Tree. But just imagine all the women that would still sleep with him after knowing this.

-In 1969, Ted Kennedy drove his car off a bridge (see “Chappaquiddick Incident“)He escaped unharmed, but he kind of forgot that  Mary Jo Kopechne was in the car with him, left the scene, and didn’t call the police until the next morning. She didn’t survive, and was found by some fishermen the next day. Ted also eluded jail time, with the judge declaring, “has already been, and will continue to be punished far beyond anything this court can impose”. 

-Well, I gotta get going. Alyson H. of Mounds View (who also happens to be my sister) has entrusted me with the care of Rone-Bone and Baby G. for the afternoon.