Archive
Band Names is Back Baby!!
“Get, the funk, outta my face yeah, get that funk, outta my face, wikika-wikka-wikka-what?” Greetings, Internet. That was me just singin a little funk tune. Just made it up right now. Impressed? Haha, what a silly question, of course you are. If not, well, get the funk outta my Blog. Lots of funk talk today. I’ve been in a spiritual and existential funk the past few days, and decided to get back on track by doing a Band Names segment. I also went shopping for a new suit. Yaaaaaaaaay!!! As always, I pretty much steal all of these from other websites, but is it really stealing? It’s all out there on the internet, how can it actually belong to anyone anyways? To quote Super Troopers, “Nobody owns the water, -it’s God’s water.” That being said, here ya go.
-Hitting Midgets with Things -Stop Hitting Me in the Forehead!! -Giggle and Stink
-Sweet Stank Cheesy Bands -Cows on Probation -Gay Dad
-Dance Gavin Dance (that goes out to my nephew Baby G) -Satan’s Almighty Penis
-Ken Dodd’s Dad’s Dog’s Dead -Snatch Maggots -1000 Homo DJ’s
-An Oily Discharge -Those Magnificent Bastards -Santa Hates You
-Gay Bikers on Acid -F**king and Vomiting -Feed Us Fetus
-Stinky Pinky -JD Dyslexia -Mammy Panties
-My Middle Testicle -The Boob Brushers
-A Cat Born in an Oven Isn’t A Cake -Porn on the Cob -Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie
-Hot Buttered Aspirin -Frothy Walrus -Ovarian Trolley
-Nate’s Nuts (Actually not a band name. My friend Nate for some reason wanted his nuts mentioned in a Blog. There ya go buddy!)
Blong. I’m really starting to miss the 90’s.
Friday Fun Facts – This Day in History
Hello, my friends. <—That’s my John McCain impression. I had a bunch of food stuffed in my cheeks when I said that too. Ah, June 25th. Much like yesterday, I got nothin’. So let’s just take a look at stuff that has happened on June 25th throughout history, shall we?
-Last year, Michael Jackson died. He made Thriller, man. Thriller.
-In 1876, George Armstrong Custer was killed. To quote Wikipedia, “He wore his hair in long ringlets liberally sprinkled with cinnamon-scented hair oil.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
-In 1947, The Diary of Anne Frank was published.
-In 1966, Dikembe Mutombo, full name Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, was born. I’m sure he’s still out there somewhere wavin’ that big ol’ finger.
-Busy Philipps was born on this day in 1979. I like saying that. Busy Philipps. Busy Philipps. Busy Philipps.
-Farrah Fawcett also died on this day last year.
-Apparently it’s National Catfish Day here in the United States.
-On this day in 1950, the Korean War began.
-In 1949, Long-Haired Hare, starring Bugs Bunny, was released in theaters.
-In 524, the Franks defeated the Burgundians in some battle.
History is fun, isn’t it? Here’s some Doomtree.
I Got Nothin’
Hey, how’s it going? No, not you. Move out of the way. Yeah you, how’s it going? Me? Oh you know, just carbo-loading. Just like the title says, I got nothin’ for the Blog today. But as a wise man once told me “‘Tis better to Blog, and have nothing to say, than to have nothing to say, and then Blog.” Right on.
-Do anti-abortion people eat eggs? I can imagine the uproar if cartons of human fetuses (or is it fetum? or fetii?) were made available as chicken feed. Are chickens against having their eggs harvested? Is that what that incessant clucking is all about? These are the questions that we may never know the answers to.
-I heard a man in a rap music song say “I got a pocket full of stinky.” I intend to find out what that means.
-Overheard on the streets of Minneapolis-
Old guy to other old guy: “Boy, did you get fat as s**t!”
–Overheard in the halls of the apartment building-
Man, presumably talking to someone: “Remember how I got so sick yesterday from eating so many potato chips? Well, the same thing happened today, only with Cheetos!”
America will be just fine.
Here’s a Blong. It’s that guy from Interpol.
The Summer
Well, it’s the first day of summer. I’m preachin to the choir here, right?! Never really understood what that saying means. Is the choir not supposed to get preached to, or what is going on with that? But yeah, I’ve got some big stuff planned in my personal life for this warmest of the temperate seasons.
-Through a chain of wacky mishaps, I will somehow acquire a dog. We will undoubtedly hate each other at first, with him ripping my couch to shreds, and me beating him without mercy for hours at a time. Of course I’m kidding about beating him, I’ll probably just not feed him for a few days. Or shave all his hair off. Animals always look so sad when they have no hair. As the summer wears on, we will eventually become the best of friends through a series of montages set to the classic tune “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” by War. Then at the end of summer he’ll get hit by a car or kidnapped or something that isn’t my fault, because hey, I’m going to have more important things to do than take care of some dog that deliberately destroyed my couch.
-While hiking in the woods, I’ll probably find a dead body face-down in a creek, and maybe just kind of poke it with a stick for a while.
-Get a job flipping burgers at the mall, start up a fling with the hot girl that works at the frozen yogurt (or, Frogurt) stand, and have my still-beating heart ripped out of my chest when she goes back to college in August and does the entire football team.
-I’m sure at some point I’ll end up at some type of summer camp with a bunch of misfits, and after a giant food-fight in the chow hall, an incident involving the filthy latrines, and probably some more montages, we’ll beat the athletic kids at a game of flag football or something.
Busy summer right? Actually I’m willing to bet that I could probably accomplish all of this in about 90 minutes if I really tried.
Here’s the Blong. I love this video. Have a wonderful summer everyone!
Friday Fun Facts – The Statue of Liberty
Remember when that whole thing about hating the French happened a few years ago? Freedom Fries? Freedom Toast? Let’s change everything with “French” in the title to Freedom? What the hell was that? Doesn’t that still cause people to associate freedom with anything French? Wouldn’t it have been a better ploy to change “French” to crap? “Hey, let’s go out for crap fries and gravy!” “This crap toast is delicious!” Quite frankly I never took the time to find out why people were hating France in the first place. I prefer to live about ten years behind the times. But what I’m trying to say is, during this whole debacle, did any of these Freedom Lovers ever think to get rid of the most French thing in this country, the Statue of Liberty? Or can people just pick and choose what they want to hate about France? Anyways, it came to my attention that 125 years ago yesterday, (June 17, 1885) the 350 pieces needed to assemble Lady Liberty arrived on our intolerant shores in 214 crates. Here are some other amazing things I picked up.
-It was used as a lighthouse from 1886 to 1902. So we took a marvel of French engineering and turned it into a giant flashlight. But I guess there’s not really much you can do with a statue.
-In 1909, Wilbur Wright became the first person to fly an airplane around it. Kind of like when a little kid learns to ride a bike, I imagine Wright taking his plane all over the place and just flying it around stuff. “Oh, you just bought a new house? I’m gonna fly around it!” “Just had a kid? Can I fly around it?” “A new statue? I think I’ll fly around it!”
–In 1913, a young pilot, Juan Pablo Aldasoro, was selected to perform the first flight above the statue. All this flying around and over national monuments just doesn’t happen in times like these. I got my toothpaste taken away at an airport one time. My toothpaste!
-An excerpt from a plaque inside the statue: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.” I get the impression that much of the country has decided to overlook that part of it.
-In 1982, Jessica Skinner was born inside of the statue. I was born in a hospital.
-The design, posture, and dimensions of the statue are modeled after what engineers of the 19th century believed the Colossus of Rhodes to have looked like. Don’t know what the Colossus of Rhodes was? Look it up, you have the internet.
I’m really a big fan of today’s Blong, otherwise I obviously wouldn’t have made it the Blong.
Testimonials
One way to find out how effective your latest business venture, investment, relationship, or in this case, Blog, is doing, is to get out there and ask The People. Over the last few months, I have slyly been collecting feedback from readers to find out what I could be doing better. These are real people, not paid actors.
-Joseph B., of South St. Paul responded – “You have a Blog?”
-“Yeah, I kind of read it, sometimes.” – Ben S. of St. Cloud, Minnesota.
-“I don’t read Blogs.” – J-Limm of Freemont, Nebraska.
-“Yeah I read it, and I’m pretty sure you were on mushrooms.” – Slim of Las Vegas, Nevada after this gem.
-“I’m glad you aren’t going to culinary school.” – J-Char of Whidby Island, Washington, discussing the Grilled Sean Sandwich.
-“I haven’t been following it lately.” Jeff Z. (my Dad) of Winthrop, Minnesota. In all fairness he is a very busy man.
-Aaron B. of Woodbury, Minnesota – “I haven’t read it since the fourth one. How many have you done?” Me – “45.”
-“What a funny stuff I ever found on the web.” – Some Hindu website that commented on a post, so I’m pretty sure it was spam.
So there you have it: the Blog is doing juuuuuust fine.
Here’s a Blong.
Dirty, Filthy, Raunchy Josephs
Aloha. Why is he saying goodbye at the beginning of the Blog? Oh, the innocence. Aloha can mean both “hello” and “goodbye!” Anyways, how’s it going? Oh me? I’m just fine. I’m more worried about you though. Worried because, in fact, you probably haven’t tried the latest recipe. They’re more than sloppy, and classier than your average Joe. The YCL Personal Kitchen has been on a hot streak that some would call influential, others inconsequential. In other words, for my Spanish-speaking compatriots, Lé Blogié es la en el fuego, sacrebleu! Enough beating around the bush, let’s talk ingredients. As always, I don’t measure stuff.
-Chicken – take note that chicken is not beef.
-Barbeque sauce, tomato sauce, mustard, ginger, hot sauce, sweet and sour sauce
-Chopped up onion and tomato
Put the chicken in a pot. Go ahead, don’t be shy. Just plop it in there. You by now may be wondering why the chicken is plopping into the pot. I cheaped out and used the slimy canned bird. But yeah, just get it in there. Now, the barbeque and hot sauce are the flagship condiments being used here, so put in more of them than any of the other stuff mentioned. The onion and tomato should be in there too. Kind of get that bubbling, then go ahead and add in a little of the mustard, ginger, sweet and sour sauce, and tomato sauce. Let that go for a while, until the onions have softened. Much similar to an untimely erection, an overly stiff onion is a faux pas that not only ruins parties, but reputations as well.
Anyways, when that’s all cooked up, put it on some bread or something and then eat it.
Well here’s a really fun Blong. The Knife – Heartbeats. It’s got a bit of that 80’s Cyndi Lauper feel to it. Leave it to the Swedish.
Oh, Let’s Just Talk For Awhile
I was thinking about this the other day, and I was all like, “Man, you really put the “log” in Blogging!” Actually, that can’t be right. I put the “Blo” in Blogging? No, that’s obviously wrong. The “Gin”? Well I don’t really like gin, so that wasn’t it. The “Bloggi”? What does that even mean? Is that the plural of Blog? Where am I, and what am I doing for lunch? I think the point of what I was trying to say is that I put something into Blogging, but even that is getting further and further from the truth. Not sure where I was going with that. Read the next paragraph.
As you may or may not know, I have been covertly working on an album of so-called “music,” despite having no musical talent whatsoever. Don’t worry, I’m not going to sing or rap or anything, that would be a true American Tragedy. It’s all instrumental. For the most part. On second thought, I’m pretty good at singing. And rapping. Maybe that will be the next one. But probably not. But anyhoo, I’ve been running on a steady diet of Government Cheese, plucky Minnesotan gumption, and my greatest ally–my abnormally astute brain. It is a veritable field of fertility in there. It’s like every autumn, some hillbilly on a tractor goes in there, spreads some horse manure around (my Mom tells me that is the best kind), lets it ferment, and comes back in the spring to plant the seeds that eventually take root and mature into this very Blog. Fascinating, no? Well, you big galoot, some of that horse-poopy mojo got directed into the creation of so far, seven songs, and one video. But don’t worry, there will be a video for every song, and possibly even a short story to accompany that. Or maybe I’ll just write a book. Man, look how talented I am! I can honestly do it all. Did I mention that I used to be really good at drawing?! Maybe I’ll take that up again too. And not to toot my own horn here, but a lot of people compliment me on my penmanship. It’s small, elegant, and for the most part, let’s just say it gets the job done. I’m also ambidextrous! Could I possibly have any more talents? The answer is no, I can’t. That is about all I can do.
Well, here’s the first video. It was for a class. My Dad asked me what it was supposed to mean, and I wish I could say that it represents the Duality of Man or something cool like that, but it is honestly just some shots of Minneapolis groovin’ along with the tune. Plus, it’s got a duck in it!
The Abandoned Soldier
Yesterday, as I was preparing to record Freemont, Nebraska’s #1 rapper, (The FDA is officially on his ass for having rhymes that are too raw. He’s going to give someone salmonella!) I came across a disturbing image. You see, I was preparing to perform a routine urination, when I noticed something peeking up from the tepid waters of the porcelain depositry. “Oh, looks like someone forgot to flush!” I thought to myself. Understandable I guess. Yet upon further investigation, one inherent blemish emerged in this otherwise open-and-shut case. The floater was alone in the toilet. Not even a trace of toilet paper was present. Now, this could have arisen from many unique scenarios. I will present my findings with the following numbered list.
1. Perhaps we have a member of the student body who has a summer job as one of those people who re-enacts the Revolutionary War, and is so totally immersed in the character, that he rejects any technological advances that were birthed after the 1700’s. Perplexed by the advent of modern-day plumbing, he snatched his musket and dashed off into the night. But then again I guess he wouldn’t be using a toilet if that were the case.
2. An event so urgent, so drenched in immediacy, so incredibly momentous occured that the father of the floater had no choice but to vacate the premises so hastily that even an extra second spent doing the rest of us a favor was an afterthought.
3. As the case may be, inter-dimensional travel really is possible, and this stinky gift was sent here by our friends on Snearth.
4. Maybe the person actually did just forget to flush. And wipe. And probably wash his hands. He probably doesn’t really shower all that much either.
5. The non-flush may presumably be one of those confusing new fads, like skinny jeans. In fact, maybe the intricate balance of heat, tightness, and leftover fecal matter in the trousers of these less-than-impeccable primpers has resulted in the formation of some kind of precious stone. The entire alchemy of it fills me with wonder and hope.
Anyways, today’s Blong (Blog Song) of the day addresses a rare topic in rap music–personal hygiene. It’s Del The Funky Homosapien (also spelled Del Tha Funkee Homosapien), with “If You Must.”
The Philosophunculist 