The Harvard Law School Lecture Series

I’ve got a number of unfinished projects on my desk right now. Screenplays, sitcom pilots, a novel, an erotic novella, a few doodles of me slaying an evil unicorn and then saving some lusty broad from a castle tower. And also, this: a rough outline of the first in a series of lectures, an ongoing symposium, if you will, to be delivered to the students of Harvard Law School, when I receive an honorary doctorate degree from that institution, 23 years from now, after accomplishing a to be determined feat.

My first action: in front of a packed classroom in Austin Hall, I will hold up the textbook, Everything You Need To Know About Law, and address the students. “Do you all see what I’m holding in my hand? This book? Take a look. Everything You Need To Know About Law. (I’ll slowly rotate so everyone gets an eyeful, then bring it down, flip through a few pages) A fella could learn a thing or two from this.” Then I throw it over my shoulder, out the window, and say “That’s everything you need to know about law.” Hold for applause. Only then do I realize that I forgot to open the window beforehand. Glass shatters everywhere. No big deal. I tell the most knock-kneed, pock-faced chowderhead to clean it up, and wink at the cute chick in the front row.

I’ll continue: “You probably all want to hear about how I was once like you, a young, eager law student who put his pants on one leg at a time. Eat this guys—I don’t give a wet slap about law, and I don’t put my pants on one leg at a time, never have. The first time I dressed myself I sat on my bed with my pants at my feet. I scrunched the bottom of the pants up to the top, held them in both hands, and slipped both legs through at the same time.”

After that, give them all some bogus writing assignment on why they want to be lawyers, then duck out and play hacky sack on the quad with some major femininas.

Kmart Commercial

I think that Kmart commercial would have been a lot funnier if everyone, instead of saying they just shipped their pants, said they had just shit their pants. There’s nothing funny about pants being loaded into a truck and delivered somewhere. And if they used my suggestion, there could be some kind of tie-in campaign with cleaning supplies and laundry detergent.

 

A Few Random Things

—this happened one time in a restaurant:

servant: “would you like soup or salad with that?”

me: “a super salad, eh? yes, yes that sounds good. i’ll have that.”

servant: “well, which one?”

me: “there’s more than one super salad?!”

it was kind of like one of those ‘who’s on first’ things

—every time one of my friends starts dating a new person, my first question for that friend is always, “what, is she blind and deaf?”

—why does the orkin man wear a helmet? they’re bugs.

—that’s all i’ve got.

—no it isn’t. i have a coworker with the last name Jass (i really do). not once have I asked if he has a relative with the name hugh. am i losing my wit, or finally showing signs of maturity?

 

How To Beat Addiction

Like Paul Crik instructs, just say yes to the impulse.

 

Thank You For Attempting To Donate A Fecal Matter Splattered Toilet Seat To Charity

Dear charitable donor:

Greetings and salutations, you altruistic bastard! Thank you for your recent philanthropic contribution of one toilet seat with human feces on it. Our organization is grateful. I love dung—we’d all become very sick if our bodies didn’t produce it. Having said that, it is with great regret that we decided to reject your attempted donation.

I know, I know. The toilet seat was in good condition. I’m the first person to admit that. No cracks, well oiled hinges. Can’t ask for much more than that. And remember, in the opening sentence of this letter, I professed my love of scat, so please don’t take this next part as offensive. I’m not the bad guy here.

Apparently, there are “health codes” here in Minnesota. I hadn’t heard of them until this, either. I mean, it’s your right as an American to get as much soft serve on your personal toilet seat as you want. I’ll defend to the death that freedom. Supposedly, and I’m just quoting my superiors here, we are allowed to accept toilet seats as charitable donations, those are fine and dandy, but any residual splatterings that accompany them are strictly verboten. It’s a bunch of bureaucratic brew-ha-ha, if you ask me. Bowel movements are a part of life, like breathing. Next thing you know, we won’t be able to accept anything that has been breathed on. Thank you, liberal America. Or is it the conservatives? Either way, they’re both screwing people like you and me—the real heroes, the “little guys”—over in one way or another.

Yes, we need your “gently used” items. The term is a bit misleading, I see that now. In this floundering economy, our charity needs anything we can get our hands on. So what if you walked into the bathroom and spray-farted before you were properly seated, then decided the toilet seat that took the shot was good enough for those less fortunate? In my jaded vision of a perfect world, that would be acceptable. But, like I said, it’s my boss, not me, that’s putting the kibosh on this. I would loved to have picked up that festering poo-poo-platter, I really would have, but I’ve got a job to worry about here. Otherwise I’ll be the one needing your discards!

It is our benevolence that propels us forward as a species. But alas, as we continue on, sanitation is becoming an ever-enveloping issue. It just is. I’m going to fight this, believe me. Until the higher-ups pull their heads out of each other’s (probably properly-wiped) butts, can I ask that you please humor them and clean any trace of solid waste off of anything that you plan on donating to charity?

Thank you,

The guy who picks up the stuff you donate to charity

Film Review—The Graduate

“Matthew Arnold set up three criteria for criticism: 1. What is the writer trying to do? 2. How well does he succeed in doing it? (…) 3. Does the work exhibit “high seriousness”? That is, does it touch on basic issues of good and evil, life and death and the human condition.” —William S. Burroughs, from A Review of the Reviewers

Let’s have a look. Number One on the list—what were the minds behind The Graduate attempting to accomplish? I believe the main objective was to constantly play Simon and Garfunkel songs while Dustin Hoffman stares at stuff, and also provide a set-up for the church scene in Wayne’s World 2.

Number Two—did they succeed? Well, the whole movie centers around Dustin Hoffman, staring at various things while Simon and Garfunkel songs play. They succeeded in that goal. The Wayne’s World 2 church scene also makes a whole lot more sense to me now. Success there as well.

Number Three—did the work touch on good/evil, the human condition, etc.? Yes, opposing forces meet, mingle, and ultimately clash. The themes and symbolism present in Hoffman’s erotic hotel rendezvous’ with the older woman which then segue into a relationship with that woman’s daughter are relatable, and could even be said to be archetypes present in Jung’s collective unconscious. And, finally—being honored with a parody by Mike Myers is a hallmark of “high seriousness.”

Going by these criteria, the movie appears to be flawless. By my criteria, it appeared to suck.

 

 

The Gay Illuminati: “The Bigots Are Right. Homosexual Marriage Is A Multi-Faceted Conspiracy Designed To Decimate Modern Society.”

Adam Weishaupt

In a deathbed purging of highly confidential material, a former high-ranking member of the Gay Illuminati recently revealed that everything the bigots have been saying is true: the legalization of gay marriage has nothing to do with basic human equality, but rather is one of the first steps in a complex, intricately weaved conspiracy aimed at blasting out the footings of “traditional” Americana, with the end goal being nothing short of total homosexuality for everyone, everywhere.

The dying man asked only to be identified as Ray, a descendant of the gay brother of Adam Weishaupt, who founded the Bavarian Illuminati in 1776. The Illuminati, an organization that has been thought throughout its esoteric history to have been behind a number of influential revolutions and assassinations the world over, also has a gay side that is just as diabolical, Ray said.

“You don’t know how good it feels to be telling this story,” Ray began, “It’s like a huge man in assless chaps has been lifted off my shoulders.”

“We’ve always operated on the fringes of society, in the shadows, behind the curtain. But now, with gay marriage at the forefront of public policy, the secret has been ‘outed,’ so to speak.”

Short-sighted, intolerant rednecks everywhere expressed their relief that the plan was caught before it could be executed. “Let me just say this: I knew it,” said a man in a mesh trucker hat, as tobacco spit dripped off his chin and mixed with the mustard stain on his wife-beater. He also had a little bit of poop in his pants. “I ain’t know how, but I knew it.”

Ray expressed surprise at how the conspiracy was revealed. “It’s funny,” he said, “I never thought we’d be found out, but worst case scenario, if we were discovered, I figured it would have been someone more, I don’t know what word to use here, imaginative? Cultured?”

According to Ray, the plan has been slowly coming to a boil for some time, right under the public’s nose. “It starts with gay couples adopting kids, and turning those kids gay. Straight, married couples have never been known to produce gay children, and our new recruits have got to come from somewhere.”

Out of touch, still-wishin’-it-was-the-1950’s-curmudgeons from the inner city to the suburbs felt validated. “I knew there was no way that lesbian couple up the street had any business adopting a child. Now I can be 100% positive that they only got it so they could make it into a gay,” said one suburban mother, who has never gone out of her way to befriend or even interact with a social demographic other than her own.

Ray explained a theory on why the Gay Illuminati’s scheme was uncovered. “We got greedy. That’s all there is to it. Just like our counterparts in the (straight) Illuminati were able to put the Eye In The Triangle right there on the dollar bill, to let everyone know they were watching, our own symbolism ultimately exposed us. Those red and pink ‘Equality’ symbols everyone is putting on Facebook? Those are just two pills that turn people into homosexuals. I can’t believe how many people fell for that one.”

One man, described by his Neo-Nazi friends as “kind of a prick,” and who also would have opposed desegregation and women’s suffrage, had he been alive at the time, added this: “If I see one of them ‘Coexist’ or ‘Tolerance’ stickers on a car, or any sort of automotive decoration containing three or more colors of the rainbow, it’s my duty as a straight American to, at the very least, bust out a taillight, or let the air out of the tires. That oughta stop ’em from gettin’ to their secret meetings.”

Ray continued. “The ignorant masses were right all along. Gay marriage was only supposed to be the springboard. After that, we were going to push for animal/human marriages, which would lead right into inanimate object/human marriages, then animal/animal marriages, then object/object marriages, and, eventually, a bisexual camel would become president and usher in the complete and utter destruction of every institution that straight people have ever held dear. But some way, somehow, the completely clueless homophobes were able to foresee all that. Dammit.”

The ultimate question: who was the oblivious hate-filled ignoramus who blew the lid off of the plan? Ray reluctantly told the story: “Well, we were operating out of a small restaurant in Minneapolis. To make sure no one would ever wander in off the street, we named it ‘Iranian Hot Dog Buffet.’ And, what do you know, one night some illiterate white trash, alcoholic hooplehead came busting in, saw the diagrams we had drawn out, snapped a picture with his iPhone, and scampered off.”

“Once that photo leaked, the one man no one ever wants to meet, the Gay Illuminatus Primus, paid me a visit, and injected me with the poison that is now slowly killing me.”

After those words, Ray slipped into the death grips. He mustered a final statement:

“My one regret is that I will never witness the bisexual camel take control,” he wheezed. “That would’ve been cool.”

Joe Mauer: “My Second Favorite Part Of Life In The Big Leagues Is Waxing My Bat”

In the first interview of this series, Joe Mauer professed his undying love of showering at a Major League level. The goal of this follow-up was to steer Mauer away from his hygiene habits, and attempt to talk about the actual game of baseball. The question posed: after showering, what is your second favorite part of life in the big leagues? Let’s see what happened.

“Well, showering is and always will be my favorite part of the game,” Mauer explained, “But you can’t shower all the time. You just can’t. Other things need to get done in order to have a winning season. That’s why I wax my bat three, four times a day.”

Again, fans were shocked to hear Mauer’s answer. “Are you kidding me? He’s a multi-millionaire. He can pay to have anyone do anything he wants, and he said he buffs his own stick?” said an astonished fan. Another replied, “He knows that Target Field is surrounded by bars and nightclubs, right? And he’s down there in the locker room after games, rubbing his rod raw, because he likes to? Get out of here.”

After hearing some of the reactions, Mauer clarified. “I don’t always do it myself,” he confessed. “When I first got into the league, yes, I would service it personally, because I was too modest and shy to ask anyone else to do it. And up until recently, my wife, Maddie, would give it a real nice once-over whenever I got home from the ballpark. Heck, when we first started dating, she couldn’t keep her hands off the darn thing. I almost forgot how to do it myself. But now that she’s pregnant, she’s never really in the mood to do it anymore, so guess who the responsibility falls on? Moi,” he said, pointing at himself.

When asked if he was actually talking about cleaning a bat, or if he was making a thinly-veiled reference to masturbation, Mauer, with a completely serious look on his face, said, “Mast…….mast..tur…..master what?” When it became clear he wasn’t joking, his reputation as one of the most wholesome figures in the world of sports became even further cemented.

Joe Mauer: “My Favorite Part Of Life In The Big Leagues Is Shower Time”

*This article originally appeared on this blog in September of 2012. I’m airing it as a rerun in honor of the first game of the Twins season*

During a recent interview conducted in Target Field’s locker room shower, Joe Mauer, Minnesota’s veritable Golden Boy, revealed that his favorite part of being in the big leagues isn’t the money, fame, or even the fact that he plays a child’s game for a living.

“It’s definitely showering,” Mauer said with a devilish grin. “Taking a nice cold post-game shower is just as important as stretching pre-game. But not too cold, this guy knows what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed as he tickled Justin Morneau under the chin as if he were a cat.

This may come as a surprise to fans, many of whom often fantasize about life as a ball player.

“Really? He said showering?” replied one morbidly obese man who faithfully attends every home game at Target Field. “A guy I used to work with told me the players get as many left-over hot dogs from the night before as they want. It seems like that would be the best part. Hold on, hey! HEY!! Well thanks a pant-load, you made me miss the cotton candy man.”

The shower, not the field, according to Mauer, is where individuals truly become a team.

“The shower is where the team really comes together. Heck, just the other day I helped Gardy scrub a couple spots on his back that he couldn’t reach. Then I reminded him to eat plenty of Kemps dairy products to keep his bones strong. I wouldn’t want him slipping and breaking a wrist in there.”

Although not prompted to, Mauer continued to wax rhapsodic about his love of showering.

“Even on an off day I’ll call a team meeting, just to get everyone together. I learned as a rookie that no one feels the need to shower after a meeting, so now I get there a couple minutes early and really crank up the heat in the conference room. Half an hour in that sucker, and all the guys are dying to strip down and run some Head and Shoulders through their sweaty hair.”

When asked about the team’s prospects for next year, Mauer had this to say: “We’ve got some really talented guys coming up. But they’ve got a lot of things to learn, like discipline and patience. I recently drove my Chevrolet down to Rochester to scout them out. A lot of these guys are only spending five, six, seven minutes showering after the game. So I got in there and educated them on what it’s like in a real big league shower environment. You know, the importance of a good, frothy lather, keeping a nice wide stance to avoid slipping, and teamwork. It always comes back to teamwork.”

At the conclusion of the interview, Mauer turned off the water, slapped a few teammates on the ass, and yelled “Last one to the towel rack has to rub everyone else dry!”