It’s been a rough week for perfect Minnesotans. The superior breed is really letting Blair Walsh have it after the Vikings kicker missed a 27-yard field goal near the end of the team’s 10-9 loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Here are thoughts on Blair Walsh from people who have never made a (televised) mistake in their lives:
“Kickers make that 27-yarder 99% of the time. People are going to remember this for years to come,” said a cow milker who one time couldn’t figure out how to open a condom wrapper, and instead of using the 99% effective rubber birth control device, decided to have unprotected sex and now has to make child support payments for years to come.
“I could have made that,” claimed a vending machine repairman, whose bathroom floor is puddled with urine that never made it into the toilet.
“He stinks,” said an out-of-work dog whisperer who never learned to wipe properly and is perpetually surrounded by a faint poopy smell.
“Little purple gnome miss point and I mad,” said a camouflage enthusiast who does not fully understand English, his first and only language.
“He didn’t focus,” observed a fast food connoisseur who bit her own finger off after thinking it was part of a batch of chicken fries.
“I like to drag my ass on the carpet. Like a dog,” said a guy who likes to drag his ass on the carpet like a dog.
Did you know that my nom de plume for this blog, Michael Cedarwood, was concocted by using the classic porn formula of (middle name) + (street you grew up on)?
But did you also know that like NBA legend Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, I have more than one middle name? And that I grew up on more than one street? With all those names and all those streets under my belt, the identity of my blogging alter-ego had the potential to swing in many different directions.
I have compiled a list of my other middle names and streets that I grew up on. Let us now take a look at what could have been.
Veiny Von Opulent
Lactose Jackson (not to be confused with Catfish Jackson)
Here is a list of the books I read in 2015.
Armstrong, Karen—Muhammad: A Prophet For Our Time (2006)
Barrett, Deirdre—The Committee of Sleep: How Artists, Scientists, And Athletes Use Dreams For Creative Problem-Solving—And How You Can Too (2001)
Bonnett, Alastair—Unruly Places: Lost Spaces, Secret Cities, and Other Inscrutable Geographies (2014)
Bowden, Mark—Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World’s Greatest Outlaw (2001)
Bradbury, Ray—The Illustrated Man (1951)
Bryson, Bill—Notes From a Small Island (1995)
Bulgakov, Mikhail—The Master and Margarita (written from 1928-40, not published until 1967)
Chamovitz, Daniel—What A Plant Knows: A Field Guide To The Senses (2012)
Christie, Agatha—And Then There Were None (1939)
Cooper, Douglas—The Cubist Epoch (1970)
Danielewski, Mark Z.—House of Leaves (2000)
Didion, Joan—Play It As It Lays (1970)
Fernandez, Oscar—Everyday Calculus: Discovering the Hidden Math All Around Us (2014)
Funke, Cornelia—Inkheart (2003)
Gaiman, Neil—The Graveyard Book (2008)
Heath, Chip and Dan—Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard (2010)
Heinlein, Robert A.—The Moon is a Harsh Mistress (1966)
Kaku, Michio—Hyperspace: A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps, and the 10th Dimension (1994)
Moore, Alan, and Lloyd, David—V For Vendetta (1988)
Ohle, David—Motorman (1972)
Percy, Walker—Lost in the Cosmos: The Last Self-Help Book (1983)
Powers, Tim—On Stranger Tides (1988)
Pratchett, Terry—Thud! (2005)
Pynchon, Thomas—Inherent Vice (2009)
Stoker, Bram—Dracula (1897)
VanderMeer, Jeff—Annihilation (2014), Authority (2014), Acceptance (2014)
Walker, Barbara G.—The Secrets of the Tarot: Origins, History, and Symbolism (1994)
Watts, Peter—Echopraxia (2014)