Fancy Plans, With Pants to Match

I apologize for the lack of updates. I have been hard at work penning my self-help book on how to write a self-help book. There have been high-level talks with one of the co-founders of Hospice Media about publishing, marketing, and distribution of the book. As I conduct comprehensive research and try to reach the lofty goal of the minimum 84 page requirement to be accepted by Lulu.com, I’m afraid there just won’t be as much time to be gettin’ my Blog on. I will be posting periodic updates on the book, with excerpts, quotes, and profoundly witty insights into the life of a person who is writing a book. Speaking of, here is another part of the book about dealing with adversity while writing a book.

Dealing With Roadblocks and Naysayers
So you’ve got a start on your book. You’ve made personal sacrifices, you’ve poured your heart and soul into the darn thing. Heck, you’re even telling people that you’re writing a book. No backing out now! You sit down to make some crucial editorial decisions, and then the disturbing reality hits you: it sucks. BAD. Do not fret. Doubt is a natural fragrance that emanates from the the nebulous vapor of human existence. There’s a popular saying that goes something like this: “You can’t polish a turd.” This is also known as Negative Nancy-ness. Do not take this saying to heart. It was coined by a bedriveled pessimist, and you would be wise to ignore such scrimshillery. I will prove the purveyor of that quote wrong right now, with one of my patented “Fourth Generational Knowledge Attainment Events (Applicable to the Second Dimension of First-Time Authors),” or FGKAE(ASDFTA). Go grab a clean rag, a bottle of Windex, and a turd. A scented candle wouldn’t hurt either. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Grab a seat at your favorite table. Now scrub that turd. Don’t be afraid to really dig in there and give it hell. Be rough with it. Talk dirty to it. Vigorously scour it every which way, ignoring not one nook, cranny, scritchel, or cranooky. Alright, stop! Now let’s evaluate the results. Presumably you now have a filthy rag, stinky fingers, and fecal matter smeared all over your table. Didn’t work, did it? See, you actually can’t polish a turd. But you listened to my advice, because you read it in a book. This FGKAE has just demonstrated the amount of raw power at your disposal that you now have as an author – people will do almost anything that they read in a self-help book. We must remember not to abuse the illustrious influentiality bestowed upon us as self-help authors, as we are here to help people help themselves, not help people to not help themselves. This brings us to our first “Confluistic Digression,” where the knowledge we have thus far accrued will “conflu” upon itself into the “Four Noble Rivulets of Cognition.”

(Then there’s a little short story I wrote, and blah, blah, blah, management parables and all that stuff.)

Blong. Crystal Castles. Reckless.

The First Part of the Book, aka “Confluence”

If you read yesterday’s post, you have heard the news of my as yet untitled self-help book on how to write a self-help book. Here is an excerpt from the beginning portion (there are no “chapters” in this book- just “calibrated lessons” broken down into “quantified learnings”, which will then be subdivided into personal “growth exercises”, with those branching off into “synergistic lectures”, eventually culminating in a blast of “opportunistic stanchions of corporate well-being”). The first “calibrated lesson” is based on a quote from Tony Robbins – “Fundamentals are the key to success.” Well Tony, that is true, and even more truer in the world of self-help books about self-help. Here is the opening “vignette” to my book, simply entitled “Confluence.”

As we all know, fundamentals are the key to success. The same rings true in the world of self-help books, only one must strive to be even more fundamentalier. For every rung climbed on the fundamentalistic ladder, it will increase the fundamentalness of your book.

To truly understand “fundamentals”, we must first understand the intricate nature of the word “fundamental” in its entirety. Let’s break down the word into its core elements. The first part, “Fu”, is perceived in many cultures as a statement of aggression, but here serves as the very bedrock of the word “fundamental.” The next part, “ndame”, does in fact sound like the name of an ancient African warrior, but in this case serves as Pillar #2 of Fundamentals. “Ntal.” Now this last part doesn’t even really sound like a word, but it ties together everything that we have learned about fundamentals thus far. Which is: Fundamentals—->Success—->Synergy—–>and, wait for it………..Confluence! Hey, that’s the title of this part of the book! Ah, confluence. The climax of fundamentals, success, and synergy. A true beauty to behold in all its glory. If you work for a large corporation, you have no doubt heard all of these terms thrown around, and now you can maximize them to their fullest potential.

Now, you see what I did there? The key to penning a successful self-help book is tossing around all these words that actually have nothing to do with anything. But people just seem to eat it up anyways, for fear of looking like they don’t understand just how something like the “confluence of synergy” directly affects them. This is good for the self-help book author, because these pasty office drones are just the type you want to target with your book, because they have the extra scratch and broken dreams to drop on the very book that my book will help you write.

And that is the opening. Here’s some Black Keys.

I Am Writing a Feature-Length Book

According to the heading up there, I am in fact in the process of writing a book. A book full of words, possibly some helpful illustrations, and a plethora of knowledge that will undoubtedly cut a swath of inspiration betwixt your lethargic psyche and the unbearable ennui of everyday living. “So who is this guy, and what the crap is he qualified to write a book about?”, you might be asking yourself. Well, I took notice that this character Steven R. Covey has sold like 15 MILLION copies of something called “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” (I would like to note that, according to the book, personal hygiene is not one of the habits of highly effective people, nor is drinking water or eating. The lack of stinky, slovenly dressed, malnourished successful people in my community leads me to believe that Covey is full of horse poo.) And then there’s this other clown, Dale Carnegie, who produced the quite unbearable “How to Win Friends and Influence People” back in the dirty 30’s. Although I wouldn’t actually give him credit for writing it, since Carnegie basically quotes other people for the entirety of the book. What is this, Bartlett’s? And since reading Carnegie’s book, I haven’t even made one new friend! Which brings us to the purpose of my book: it’s a self-help book, on how to write a self-help book. If Covey and Carnegie can do it, why can’t I? How delectable the irony that the wandering, laborious means with which they delivered their ideas inspired me to actually want to do the same, in an even more wandering, laborious manner! The student becomes the teacher. Possible working titles for the book include, but are not limited to:

–Help Yourself: A Self-Help Guide on How to Help Others, All While Being Helpful to Yourself and Helping Others Help Themselves

–The Three Fundamental Layers of the Five Pillars of Synergy: A Core Examination of the Seven Tiers of Leadership, With a Brief Explanation of the Nine Pedastals of the Six Sigma Lifestyle

–Maximize Your Earning Potential: A Repository Guide on How to Think So Far Outside of the Box, You Won’t Even Be Able to See the Box Anymore, Thus Forgetting There Was a Box in the First Place, Thus Enabling You to Think Even More Outside of the Box That You Aren’t Even Thinking About Anymore

–H.E.L.P.P.: Helping Everyone Learn. And Oh Yeah, there’s a Pizza Party after you Help Everyone Learn!

–Win-Win: How to Beat Your Opponent Into Submission With Raw Will and a Cast Iron Skillet, And Then Use The Skillet To Cook a Delicious Breakfast for Both of You, All While Explaining to Your Opponent Why Beating Him And Then Feeding Him Eggs Helped Both of You Win

–Benchmarks of Success: How to Max out Your 401K, Raise Healthy Children, and Love Your Spouse, All While Maintaining an Intricate Web of Lies and a Mistress on the Side

Well, that’s gonna do it for me, folks. Tomorrow I will be featuring an excerpt from the first chapter of the book.

Blong. Chemical Brothers.

Friday, September 10th, 2010

I just realized that I made it through the entire month of August without once referring to it as “Blogust.” I feel that I have let everyone down and will try twice as hard to make sure nothing like that slips through the cracks again. Gaaa, it was so obvious! Just sitting there, right in front of my stupid face, and I missed it! I feel like that one kid that somehow struck out in T-ball when I was in kindergarten. What if someone showed me the picture below, and I didn’t say “Show me the bunny!?” It would be a travesty!

Show me the Bunny!

What is happening to me? From here on out it’s nothing but top-notch Blogging.

Hey, it’s the weekend, so why not fire up some Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor? DAAAAAAAAMNNNNNN!

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being Homeless

As a person who one day has the potential to be homeless, I’ve given a lot of thought to the notion. It’s not as simple as one might think. No matter what the scenario, I have found, is that the first week is the most crucial in the life of the homeless person. Why is that? Well let’s break it down.

In your first few days as a person that now employs sewer drains and dumpsters for toilets, you will presumably be the best-smelling and most clean-cut as you are going to be during any given point of your homelessness during this period.  While you may be thinking “Crap. I’m homeless,” do not fret, my friend. There are two very important decisions that must be made here – 1) are you in this homeless thing for the long haul, or 2) do you plan to claw your way back to prominence?

-If you answered Yes to Option #1: You are going to be homeless for a while. Possibly until you’re dead. That’s the foul odor of reality here. Well, the best advice here would be for you to jump in the nearest mudhole, roll around for a while, and absorb any and all stank that you can. If you are wearing clean clothes, and still have short, clean hair, no one will believe that you’re homeless, thus attenuating what I like to call the “pity factor.” While growing out your hair and filthy beard may take some time, you can at least dirty yourself up to try to play the part. I guess being drunk would help as well. That brings up another point. In the weeks leading up to your homelessness, if you do in fact have the luxury of knowing that you will soon be homeless, stop shaving. Also, try to learn the basics of an instrument that can be obtained while you are homeless. Guitar or some sort of woodwind would probably be the most popular choices, because you can probably steal one from a pawn shop pretty easily, or even construct one out of dumpster nuggets. Don’t know how to build a guitar? Well, now that you are a stinky derelict, you literally have nothing but time to teach yourself how. And if you get caught stealing? Well, that is actually the best thing that could happen to you. Getting arrested and going to jail would be a good solution to your recent displacement from residential living, if you don’t mind being the girlfriend of a shaved-headed brute that bought you for a pack of Newports and an extra helping of dessert. And if you don’t get caught, you now have a source of feeble income. Post up with your instrument of choice outside a sporting event, or highly patronized coffee shop, because a lot of those java-heads are just the kind of faux-hippy you want to encounter. By depositing their leftover change into your hat (oh yeah you should have found some sort of hat by now), they will go about the rest of the day feeling that they have bettered society, and probably even tell their friends, giving them a warm, supple feeling of prosperity deep within the core of their lugubrious soul.

-Yes to option #2: You are homeless, but don’t want to be. Pretty much do the opposite of all the advice from Option #1. In the first few days, you’ll probably not stink all that bad, and might have the oppurtunity to apply for some jobs. Of course, they’re going to ask for some sort of mailing address, phone number, or email. Providing a mailing address may lend itself to a smidge of treachery, which can be easily remedied by giving them a PO Box #. You’re going to want to hang out around said PO Box during delivery hours, and simply ask the mailperson, “Hey, you got anything for #(whatever number you wrote down).” Now you will have to be sly with this, because you will have to be there literally every day, because once the mailman/woman actually tries to stuff your falsified mail into your PO Box, he or she will come to the realization that you did in fact make up your address. And this is all gambling on the fact that they are going to mail you something, when in all reality they’ll probably email you or call you. Email is easy, go to the public library. Now phone, that may be a problem, because during the events that led to your catastrophic descent into homelessness, your phone may or may not have been shut off/violently destroyed by you, or someone that you owe a large sum of money to. Here’s a quick idea, just off the top of my head: you go in there, tell them you’re trying to “go green” or some crap like that. Or better yet, tell them that you donated your phone to a homeless shelter! Oh, the sweet irony! Bullet dodged. If that doesn’t work, then well, I guess you better start reading up on Option #1.

Blong. The Thermals. Very poppy.

The Man With the Golden Blog/Blogfinger/Blog Royale/The Blog is Not Enough/Blog of Solace/OctoBlog

So it’s been over two weeks since the last post. What have I been doing? Well that’s a little personal, and quite frankly I’m offended that you would ask. Just play the song below while you’re reading. It makes it a lot cooler.

A small Cessna glides through the skies above the YCL headquarters, carrying a mysterious, secret agent-y looking guy. We can only see him from behind, but it is evident that he is in peak physical condition. 6’1″, around 190 lbs, agile. Like a cat. Come to think of it, he bears a striking resemblance to the writer of this Blog. Hmmm, interesting. Having just attended a very fancy dinner party with many important foreign leaders, he is dressed in a tuxedo, and is looking very dapper. Too bad he doesn’t know any other languages, because he just kind of sat there at the dinner without any clue what the crap anyone was talking about, not contributing anything, and basically feeling like an all-around doofus. He even put his elbows on the table. Idiot. Anyways, he produces a silenced pistol from his pocket. “Looks like this is the end of the line for you, Kensworth,” he says to the pilot. A quick “pew-pew” (whatever sound a silenced pistol makes), and the pilot is kicked out of the door. “Crap. Probably shouldn’t have shot him, because I don’t know how to fly this thing,” he mutters to himself. It’s starting to look like this guy maybe isn’t qualified to be in a situation involving international intrigue and un-piloted flight. He grabs the nearest parachute pack, making sure there are some snacks in the pocket in case he misses his landing point and has to walk. It is imperative that he makes it to his destination. YCL headquarters has been inactive for over two weeks, and this man is going to do something about it. He leaps out the side door of the small aircraft, falling with his back to the earth. He pulls some more guns out, and in slow motion, probably something looking like the Matrix, pumps a few rounds into the Cessna’s fuel tanks. He smiles as the plane explodes, and then lets out a bittersweet sigh, because he really wishes he had brought a video camera so he could have shown his friends the awesome thing he just did. He deploys the parachute, and of course, just like any movie, something doesn’t work right, and blah blah blah, long story short, he gets everything going like it should. He zereos in on the western window of the YCL headquarters, releases the ‘chute at the last possible moment, and smashes through the window, goes into a controlled roll, and does a backflip into the leather chair in front of the computer. He opens WordPress to log into the YCL Blog. At that moment, I lurch out of the shadows and twist the guy’s neck, attempting to break it. Having never done that before, I don’t do it right, and I think I actually re-align some of the man’s vertebrae that have been out of wack, because he lets out a satisfied groan and asks me if I could twist it the other way as well. Then I hit him over the head with a pan and call the cops, because hey, some guy I don’t know just broke my window and came into my apartment. Oh, you thought I was the guy in the plane? Well, for one, where would I get access to a Cessna, Einstein? Or guns?  I’ve never been the type to attend formal dinner parties either, and you can bet your bottom dollar I don’t plan on making that an official interest of mine anytime soon. That’s all besides the point anyways. The Blog is back, girlfriend.