The Shlog’s Darkest, Dirtiest Secret

Well, I’ve been doing this Blog thing a little while now, and I feel I can finally open up and share with the readers my deepest, dirtiest, sauciest secret. This won’t be easy for me to do, but here goes. Back in 2007, in a drunken rage, I kil- oh, hold on, I just drank a ton of water. I gotta piss on a racehorse…………………………………………………………….annnnd..back. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Drunken rage. 2007. I went down to the kitchen, grabbed a dull butter knife, and stab- crap, hold on, guess I wasn’t finished, gotta piss on a racehorse again………….ok. Here we go, back to the secret. Wait, this is starting to bug me. Why do peope always urinate on racehorses when they have to go really bad anyways? I never understood that. Plus it’s actually hard to pee on a racehorse. I don’t have anything to stand on, so I kind of have to aim up and push really hard if I want to hit him right in the ribs. I tried standing on top of the horse one time, but it kept moving around, then it got really slippery up there, so I got down and worked the hooves for a while. Anyways, the secret. Wait, do racehorses derive sustenance from human urine? Is that why everyone is doing it? But it’s still eating hay and oats, so does it really need my ropy, golden strands of superfluous liquid drenching it every time I down a bottle of water? Is it more of an indulgence for them? Like chocolate? It’s gotta be getting something out of it, otherwise keeping a racehorse around just so you can pee on it all the time isn’t very economically sound. I’m afraid to stop soaking it because I don’t want to anger my equidaem friend by denying it vital nutrients. Maybe it’s like broccoli, no one really likes it, but its good for you. Because the racehorse kind of gets that scrunched up look in its face when I’m doing it, a lot like when a little kid is being forced to eat broccoli. I mean, we use their manure as fertilizer, so is it a two way street? Their solid waste feeds our vegetables, and our liquid output feeds their insides. Is that what’s happening here? Sounds logical. I’m looking in your direction, science. What’s the deal? What was I even talking about? I gotta go talk to somebody about this.

Blong (Blog Song). Frank Zappa – Peaches en Regalia.