You Can Spend Your Entire Life Building Bridges…….

Years back, when I was working in sustenance delivery, my manager got a thoughtful look in his eye and told me this:

“You know, you can spend your entire life building bridges. But, during that time, you suck one cock, just one, and everybody remembers you as a cocksucker, not a bridge builder.”

At the time, I wondered why he had singled me out as the keeper of his deep, dark secret.

Until today, I didn’t realize that his words transcended sexual experimentation.

Two years ago at a friend’s cabin, I bought a 36 pack of beer for only $12. Just one 36 pack. And the beer, Boxer Lager, has a crown on every can. A crown! What symbol has humanity produced that surpasses the crown as a mark of respect and honor? Yet the insults rained down on me all weekend, even as I defended the fiscal responsibility of my choice. I had spent less money and gotten more alcohol than anyone at that cabin. America is supposed to reward those who have more money and more things than people with less money and fewer things.

Flash forward, to now: These days, I buy better beer. And even if I continue to do so for the rest of my life, I’ll still get calls like this one, which came in just this morning: “Hey, I saw a guy walking down the street with a 36 pack of Boxer, reminded me of you.”

I’ll always be remembered as the guy who made a wise, thoughtful decision to save money, and get more for the little money that was spent, even if that meant drinking something that tasted like it leaked out of a homeless man with bad kidneys.

 

 

 

How To Make A Lame Story Not Lame

I’d like to share something I heard on the radio this morning. It’s a perfect way to make sure you never tell a boring story.

Example:

Today, at the grocery store, I asked a guy that worked there if they had any more peanut butter. He went into the back, checked, then returned and said, “Sorry, we’re all out.”

Pretty lame, right? Now listen to this:

Today, at the grocery store, I asked a guy that worked there if they had any more peanut butter. He went into the back, checked, then returned and said, “Sorry, we’re all out,” and then he crapped himself.

It’s a pretty simple device, but it works. If you find yourself telling a story, and halfway through you realize it’s not as good as you thought it was, just add “and then he/she crapped him/herself” at the end, and boom, you’ve just told a hilarious anecdote.