Braised Tuscan Duck With Caviar and Sun-Dried Tomatoes

Greetings and salutations! We’re going to class it up today, and venture outside the normal conventions of the cooking segments that this Blog usually produces.  As you can see up there in the title, we’re going to be coaxing the maximum amount of flavor out of a fresh, taut, juicy, 17-week old Tuscan Duck, garnish it with fresh oceanic caviar, and top the presentation with aged sun-dried tomatoes. Here is everything you will need:

-A Tuscan Duck, obviously. Just walk down to the local farm-fresh, organic, chemical-free, hand-picked (and every other hippie adjective for food) farmer’s market. Don’t live within walking distance of one? Well, I would hardly call that living. Slap the duck around a bit, confirming that its skin is fresh and firm as a Georgia peach, yet also try to find one that is “pleasantly plump”. It is an extremely delicate balance.

-Caviar. To obtain the freshest possible “sturgeon roe,” as it is also called, simply travel to the Caspian Sea, find a female sturgeon, club it over the head with a blunt object, and extract the ovaries. (That is actually how they get it.)

-Sun-Dried Tomatoes. These can be obtained from the same farmer’s market where you purchased the duck. You will also need the sun. Cloudy out? Looks like someone took the Idiot Train from Stupidville and tried to make sun-dried tomatoes on a cloudy day!

Now the preparation:

Gut the duck, maybe saving the innards to give to the panhandler that you walk by every day. He’ll thank you. Begin to pound it with your meat-mallet, flattening it to about 1/4 inch. Ahhhhh, alright. You know what? Take everything you just bought, and throw it into your favorite gargbage can. I can’t do this. I was trying to impress you. Who eats things like this? Caviar? We don’t do that around here! Go make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And maybe take everything out of the garbage, pick all the used Q-tips out of it, and give it to a homeless shelter or something. As repulsive as caviar may seem, it would be a shame to let any of it go to waste.

Well, there you have it. Blong. Hydrophonics – Dreamin’. A great band from St. Cloud that has ceased to exist.