What Christmas Songs Can We Still Listen To?

Christmas is almost here, everyone. Time to decorate the tree, bake some cookies, and kick back by the fire while listening to some tunes. You’ve probably got that fire going because it’s cold outside. But don’t listen to that classic ode to rape, ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside.’

After boycotting (and out-screaming anyone who says it isn’t about rape) that song, I began listening to a playlist of old hits. It turns out that the biggest war on Christmas has already arrived in the form of classic Christmas music.

Read the lyrics of any Christmas song, and if you look hard enough, you’ll see that all of them refer to some kind of illicit activity. The following list is by no means comprehensive. Feel free to comment below with your own discoveries.

Here are the most obvious allusions to criminal activity that I found:

–All I Want For Christmas Is You. A crystal clear nod to sex trafficking.

–Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Thinly-veiled commie ballad.

–Let it Snow. Cocaine.

–I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Alt-right white supremacy. And also cocaine.

–O Holy Night. Secret slang in the world of cocaine users (cocaine is snorted through holes).

–O Little Town of Bethlehem. Way before Jesus became Bethlehem’s most famous export, this little town produced a large amount of blow.

–Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Hmm, let’s see. Grandma drinks to much eggnog and decides she’s going to walk home? Any old person worth their salt would fall asleep, and that’s before the powerful effects of eggnog set in. See where this is going? You guessed it—Grandma took a few zips of nose candy and unwittingly wandered right into Santa’s flight path.

–Back Door Santa. I just found out about this song, and boy am I one steaming little cup of decaf. At first, I believed it to be about anal sex (I heard some youth at Target use the term), but then I remembered that a lot of cocaine arrives in this country via little balloons packed full of white lightning, which are then inserted into the rear end (back door) of the intended mule.

–Mele Kalikimaka. This is simply what comes out when someone who is coked to the gills tries to say ‘Merry Christmas.’

So this Christmas season, you may as well skip right ahead to Easter music. I recommend the Rolling Stones, who named themselves after the stone that was rolled away from the tomb of Jesus.

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

Some Dark Truths About Me

A few weeks ago, at one of them political rallies, Dr. Ben Carson said something like this: Hillary Clinton wrote her senior thesis on Saul Alinsky. Saul Alinsky mentions Lucifer in one of his books. Therefore, Hillary Clinton worships Satan.

Compelling argument, but there’s no way she’s that cool.

So I sat for a while, thinking. Following Dr. Carson’s logic, I learned some very dark truths about myself.

Here are a few:

I read Gravity’s Rainbow, a big novel with a small part featuring coprophilia. Therefore, I am a coprophiliac.

I enjoy using car batteries to torture hookers, because a copy of American Psycho is sitting in my book pile right now. Also, I like to stab small children at the zoo.

I am a homophobic pill popper who hates his mother. That would be from my high school days listening to Eminem.

I cook meth. Thanks, Breaking Bad.

And most horrifying of all, I might not play football next year because I’d rather hang out with Wooderson and drink beer.

 

 

I Like Reuben Sandwiches Now

“Let’s change the way we eat.”

—Tupac Shakur, Changes

I recently ate a Rueben sandwich for the first time. It was pretty good. I like Reuben sandwiches now.

Minnesotans Enjoy National Attention Stemming From Death of Scott Weiland

Minnesota is a place that celebrates itself, and for good reason. The humble folks here work hard, and they will not hesitate to fling insults at you, after you’ve left, if you say otherwise. One small town here, Austin, produced both Spam and John Madden. We’re influencers in the arts, too—one DJ on local station The Current (an entity that transcends the greatness of Minnesota itself, according to The Current) went so far as to take credit for Arcade Fire’s 2011 Grammy win because he quote, “played their music on The Current.”

Now, The North Star State has earned yet another feather in its already dangerously over-plumed cap, and Minnesotans are absolutely loving the mentions their state is receiving in the national press.

Musician Scott Weiland was recently found dead on his tour bus in Bloomington, right by the biggest and best mall in America, The Mall of America. After some obligatory somber Facebook posts commemorating the fallen star, Minnesotans cheered right up after hearing the word ‘Minnesota’ on multiple nationwide news outlets.

I recently hit the streets to ask one question to these pasty, lake-loving folk: What do you think of Scott Weiland’s passing? Here are their responses.

“I think it adds to the rich history of this state. Great things happen here, like when Larry Craig tried to solicit gay sex in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport bathroom. And just last summer, Walter Palmer, a Minnesotan dentist, killed Cecil the lion. Now we’ve got this.”

“Scott has always loved Minnesota; he’s been coming here for over twenty years, fer chrissakes. At the end of an STP show back in ’95, he said, and I quote, “I love you, Minneapolis! You guys are the best!” The show was actually in St. Paul, but Scott always had a quirky sense of humor. Think about that for a minute. Scott Weiland, a man who has travelled the globe, said that he loves us, and that we are the best. Wow. It’s humbling.”

“I wonder what Prince has to say about this. Prince is from Minnesota. That’s why I’m wondering what Prince thinks. Because he’s from Minnesota. If Prince wasn’t from Minnesota, I wouldn’t give a runny dump what he thought. But because Prince is from Minnesota, I love everything about him. Did I mention that Prince is from Minnesota, and that if he wasn’t from Minnesota, his music would suck?”

“Oh god, this is tragic. I hope someone was there to hear his last words. I bet they were about Minnesota.”

“The deaths of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams really tore me up, because they didn’t die in Minnesota. It’s so cliché to die in New York or LA. What was the question?”

“Scott Weiland? I’m not familiar, but I did hear you mention Minnesota. If I could say some things about Minnesota: it has everything, the arts, good schools, steady economy. Also, some of the most racist people I’ve ever met live here.”

“Yeah, I’ll give Weiland credit for being something of a rock legend, but nothing will ever top the Replacements or Hüsker Dü. Now those were bands. They were all drunken assholes and I couldn’t name one of their songs, but they’re from Minnesota, so I love ’em.”

“The Rolling Stones were here over the summer, and I was hoping and praying one of them would kick the bucket before they left town, maybe from heat stroke, plain old age, or cardiac arrest attributed to an espresso blast from one of our esteemed independent coffee shops. That would’ve been huge for Minnesota. I think Slayer is coming to town soon. Those guys have got to be getting pretty old, right?”

There you have it. You can’t beat Minnesota. But don’t move here, unless you’re already a Minnesotan.

 

 

 

Donald Trump in a Rage Against the Machine Video

Screenshot of Rage Against the Machine’s “Sleep Now in the Fire” video from 1999…..

Fun Game: Indie Band or Kentucky Derby Horse?

Topical humor time: I compiled a list of indie band names and monikers of horses that have participated in the Kentucky Derby over its 141 year run. It is up to you to guess whether each following group of words identifies a band, a horse, or a Band of Horses (that one is a band). Now, I present to you the list:

I Don’t Know If I Should Cry Or Fart

I Would Have No Problem Shooting A Kitten In The Face

Slovakian Bubble Bath

I Am A Horse That Has Raced In The Kentucky Derby

This One Is A Band Name

The Annexation Of Puerto Rico

Sentient Toilet

The Courtroom Doll That Is Used As A Device For People To Point Out Where The Bad Man Touched Them

Cassandra Morningfart

Why Is A Midget Slapping Me With A Stick

There you have it. Think you did well? Read on, and award yourself one point for each correct answer.

I Don’t Know If I Should Cry Or Fart—This one is neither a horse nor a band. My friend Ryan said it one time.

I Would Have No Problem Shooting A Kitten In The Face—Another trick question. My other friend Jeremy once said this.

Slovakian Bubble Bath—This also is not an animal or a group of humans. It is a despicable act my pal Brad made up, involving fellatio and flatulence in a tub filled with water!

I Am A Horse That Has Raced In The Kentucky Derby—The name implies this is a horse that has raced in the Kentucky Derby. In reality, it is just something I typed.

This One Is A Band Name—This one is NOT a band name. How many have you gotten right so far? I’m shooting 100 percent.

The Annexation Of Puerto Rico—This was a trick play used by football-playing children in the 1994 film Little Giants.

Sentient Toilet—Can you imagine if toilets became self-aware? Wouldn’t that be terrible? And getting back on track, also not equine or musical in nature.

The Courtroom Doll That Is Used As A Device For People To Point Out Where The Bad Man Touched Them—This is a doll that lawyers hold up to people and ask “Where did the bad man touch you? Point to the corresponding area on this doll,” not a horse or a band.

Cassandra Morningfart—This is what shows up on my cellular telephone when my girlfriend, Cassandra Morningfart, calls me.

Why Is A Midget Slapping Me With A Stick—This is something that horses in the Kentucky Derby wonder. There are also people in indie bands that ask themselves this question. Sometimes people in indie bands get slapped with sticks by midgets.

Now give yourself one point for each correct answer.

0-4 points: You don’t know shit about indie bands or the Kentucky Derby!

5-9 points: Impressive, but you are still not very good at knowing things about horses and bands.

10 points: You are me.

 

Rap Music: Does It Belong In My Cubist Epoch?

If you missed yesterday’s post, you have to be asking yourself “What the f*&k is an epoch?”

It’s okay, I was flummoxed too.

Two hours into my Cubist phase, even I was still thinking epoch was murdered by Notorious P.U.F.F. Daddy back in nine-six. I couldn’t have been more wrong. What in the world could Cubism have to do with rap music anyways?

Nothing, until now. In yesterday’s post, I also claimed I wasn’t creative enough to produce a Cubist work. I couldn’t have been more wrong there either. Would an uncreative person have the revolutionary idea to combine Cubism and rap music into one fluid art movement called rapism? That looks bad. Try again. Would an uncreative person have the revolutionary idea to combine Cubism and rap music into one fluid art movement called Curap? No, an uncreative person would not have that idea. That’s why I had that idea.

If yesterday’s painting was an example of my ‘early Cubist phase,’ then today’s installment is surely ‘high Curap.’ Here we see the artist (me) rip through the fabric of our tangible universe and stumble into a dimension all his own.

Heaven for a G, by Michael Cedarwood. (2015) Microsoft Paint

The painting again makes use of cubes, there’s some liquor in there, and double meaning is incorporated—the ‘G’ in question stands of course for Georges Braque, and also for the way that rap music uses the letter, as an abbreviation of ‘guy.’

The epoch rages on.