What Christmas Songs Can We Still Listen To?

Christmas is almost here, everyone. Time to decorate the tree, bake some cookies, and kick back by the fire while listening to some tunes. You’ve probably got that fire going because it’s cold outside. But don’t listen to that classic ode to rape, ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside.’

After boycotting (and out-screaming anyone who says it isn’t about rape) that song, I began listening to a playlist of old hits. It turns out that the biggest war on Christmas has already arrived in the form of classic Christmas music.

Read the lyrics of any Christmas song, and if you look hard enough, you’ll see that all of them refer to some kind of illicit activity. The following list is by no means comprehensive. Feel free to comment below with your own discoveries.

Here are the most obvious allusions to criminal activity that I found:

–All I Want For Christmas Is You. A crystal clear nod to sex trafficking.

–Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Thinly-veiled commie ballad.

–Let it Snow. Cocaine.

–I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Alt-right white supremacy. And also cocaine.

–O Holy Night. Secret slang in the world of cocaine users (cocaine is snorted through holes).

–O Little Town of Bethlehem. Way before Jesus became Bethlehem’s most famous export, this little town produced a large amount of blow.

–Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Hmm, let’s see. Grandma drinks to much eggnog and decides she’s going to walk home? Any old person worth their salt would fall asleep, and that’s before the powerful effects of eggnog set in. See where this is going? You guessed it—Grandma took a few zips of nose candy and unwittingly wandered right into Santa’s flight path.

–Back Door Santa. I just found out about this song, and boy am I one steaming little cup of decaf. At first, I believed it to be about anal sex (I heard some youth at Target use the term), but then I remembered that a lot of cocaine arrives in this country via little balloons packed full of white lightning, which are then inserted into the rear end (back door) of the intended mule.

–Mele Kalikimaka. This is simply what comes out when someone who is coked to the gills tries to say ‘Merry Christmas.’

So this Christmas season, you may as well skip right ahead to Easter music. I recommend the Rolling Stones, who named themselves after the stone that was rolled away from the tomb of Jesus.

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

My War On Christmas

Next year, instead of dealing with the whole Christmas gift racket, I’m doing this:

<Tell anyone that might be considering me as a gift recipient to instead write down what they would have bought for me

<I’ll do the same for them

<After sifting through the lists, both sides can decide if they would like any of the potential gifts, and go buy them if they want

<I don’t want stuff and I don’t like to shop, so I will end up buying nothing

<I will save a lot of time and money

<Others will save time and money too, unless they want to buy themselves a bunch of stuff that I wrote down

 

 

Happy December

Touched by His Noodly Appendage, by Arne Niklas Jansson

 

There are holidays going on this month. Kwanzaa, Hanukah, New Year’s Eve, Festivus, the winter solstice, Bodhi Day, and probably the biggest one, the birth of Philip K. Dick. Not much else. Unless you want to count the birth of Philip K. Dick’s twin sister, whose tragic passing at the age of six weeks provided a tremendous influence on the writing of her surviving brother.

As you make your way through this celebration-stuffed month, you may come across certain folks that get angry if you don’t wish them a ‘happy’ whatever holiday they celebrate, whether it’s Boxing Day or the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. And this is your fault, because it is December, after all, and if you are unable to take one look at a person and not know what holiday greeting they wish to receive, then, well, why are we even here.

So why not do this: wish people a ‘happy’ whatever is you enjoy, and don’t be mad if they wish you a ‘happy’ something else in return. After all, you will both be wishing each other happiness. Be happy about that. However, if someone becomes hostile and says ‘death to Iowa for growing corn instead of mangos, because we need mangos for National Fruitcake Day on December 27th’ just play it cool, and politely inform them that Iowa doesn’t have the proper terroir to support a bountiful mango harvest. Then maybe share a mango and read about corn together on the internet. You are now friends with someone who wanted to kill you five minutes ago.

I have somehow avoided all of this, even though I have been wishing people my religion’s greeting for some time now (it should be noted that I have recently converted from Discordianism to Pastafarianism). In my new belief system, every Friday is considered a holiday. I’ve been wishing people of all religions a ‘Happy Friday’ for months now, and no one has been offended. It seems that the loving, noodly appendage of our Flying Spaghetti Monster has reached down and wiped away the hate among people who believe some days are better than others, for not one person has corrected me with something to the effect of “Not everyone celebrates Fridays. You should really just wish people happy days.” So maybe people are just more accepting of Pastafarianism, or the key is to dwell in particulars when wishing someone ‘happy something,’ instead of cramming all holidays together into one giant fruitcake of a greeting. I don’t know.

The lesson of this whole thing is to just be happy, dammit. And also, instantly know the beliefs of everyone you come into contact with and accommodate them accordingly.

 

My New Way Of Responding To Invitations

I get invited to a lot of stuff. That’s how my life is. In the past, I would respond to the hordes of phone calls, emails, texts, and verbal invitations with a statement like “Maybe,” “We’ll see,” “Sounds fun,” “I’ll let you know,” etc. I know better now. Instead of using one of the previous generic statements, I have started saying “I am expressing interest in your event, but I am also politely taking a noncommittal stance. Thank you for your time.” It’s classy, stylish, and it doesn’t tie you down to anything. People don’t badger you for a confirmation, and if you don’t show up, they think to themselves, “Oh yeah, he did take a noncommittal stance. Maybe I should have better parties.”

This phrase is raising the bar for my entire social circle. People have begun to wonder why I’m so noncommittal lately. This leads them to step up their event planning, in hopes that I’ll show up.