Ouroboros Cat

Here’s the ouroboros:

And here it is in cat form:

Official Rebranding Post

Well, we officially hit rock bottom with that last post. A Vikings recap that didn’t even tell the score of the game? On a Wednesday? After not blogging for like five months? Time to flip this thing over and tickle it (that’s a new phrase being rolled out as part of our rebranding).

I am a novelist now. That’s the reality. In the next few days or six months, I’ll slowly unzip and reveal the new format of this blog, which is going to be an insufferable plugging tool in which I mention something about my novel IN EVERY SINGLE POST. But hey, I am a novelist now. This is what we do, as far as I can tell from observing other novelists. Also, I’m shut in a room with the litter box, and I’m a little baked from the cat piss fumes. Whew! I want to open a window, but the AC is on and I’m not looking to cool off the whole neighborhood. I was talking about something. Monday I’ll be back for rebrand. Cat piss. I wrote a novel. Read it. It hasn’t been published.

My nostrils hurt.

Rebrand. It comes soon.

I Met Satan The Other Day

“You were gay before being gay was invented.”

—One kid to another, overheard walking by the neighborhood playground

Interesting.

How could that child be gay if it hadn’t been invented yet?

The only logical conclusion is that the child is Satan.

Explanation:

According to America’s most trusted news source, Fox News, it’s no secret that the Dark Lord invented gayness in order to slow population growth and by extension the influx of souls into hell, which was going through a housing shortage caused by imported cars, Islam, and any human that did not have milky white skin. A fifth grader knows that, and Jeff Foxworthy knows that a fifth grader knows that. Ergo, Jeff Foxworthy is as smart or smarter than a 5th grader, but are you? Tune in to Fox every Tuesday to find out.

This still doesn’t explain why that kid is Lucifer incarnate. Something I’m not sure Jeff Foxworthy knows is this: before putting the final patent stamp (which officially makes it an invention) on his concept of same-sex attraction, the Serpent King himself experimented with homosexuality in order to fine tune the subtle nuances.

In other words, he was gay before being gay was officially invented.

Just like Jeff Foxworthy was Jeff Foxworthy before Jeff Foxworthy was invented. He is in fact Jeff Foxworthy version 2.0, after the original Jeff Foxworthy prototype was destroyed by a massive explosion in the Appalachian Mountains when a redneck who didn’t know he was a redneck (because Jeff Foxworthy had not been invented and therefore neither was his guide on knowing if you are a redneck or not) lit a match near a 50 gallon drum in which he and his sistercousins had been saving their farts for the past three years.

This was one of those happy accidents though, for imagine if we had gotten that first raw, uncouth, unrefined version of Jeff Foxworthy—what would the comedic landscape look like today? Would we have Larry the Cable Guy? Would R ever git done? Would anything git done?

Jeff Foxworthy brought redneck humor (as well as all of its sub-genres, creating a seismic ripple felt everywhere in comedy) up and out of its ‘primordial ooze’ phase, tens of feet into the sky above dusty, car-part littered yards everywhere, like a bottle rocket. He’s like a comedy bottle rocket scientist.

So, uh, in conclusion, the Devil used to be gay and Jeff Foxworthy is a rocket scientist.

Names I’d Give To Cats

I’ve been thinking of names for cats.

The first would work best for a ‘thick’ cat: not fat, but powerful. This cat would be named Rocco Hamfist.

The second is reserved for more of a suave, sleek tomcat. I’d call him Bruce Mandick.

Rocco and Bruce. They’re not losing any fights in the alley behind the fish market. Growing up, we had a cat named Muffin. He got hit by a car. He lived, albeit with some heavy injuries.

Had Rocco been hit by the same car, the thing would have crumpled around him. The mechanic would be flummoxed as to how the front end had obtained a Rocco Hamfist-shaped hole in it. Bruce Mandick would then walk in, push the grease-monkey aside, and fix the car for him.

That’s how much a name matters.

Rocco and Bruce would impregnate many cats. Their offspring would have names like Zenobia Trident. Gullveig Tetrahedron. Lucretia The Terrible. They would rule all the land.

So, if you think you’ve got a manlier name for a cat, or believe your feline could out-impregnate these two, by all means, let me know.