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Moses And His Migrant Caravan Blown To Smithereens By US Military

In a pretty cool fusion of current events and biblical lore, the prophet Moses (who killed a guy one time) and his migrant caravan were blown to smithereens as they arrived at the US border, ending their 40-year journey through the desert with a bang.

After leaving Egypt—a major shithole—the caravan just kind of wafted through the wilderness and for the purposes of this story landed in the Mexican desert. Fox News believers looked on with horror as a convoy chock full of Middle Easterners made its way towards US soil.

Anyways, as the immigrants strolled up to the Texas border, the US military carried out the true hope of Donny and his followers, and blew the whole shebang to smithereens.

That’s pretty close to how it went down in the Bible, right?

 

moses

Great And Christian Donald Trump Generously Donates Thirteen Percent of One Million Dollars To Down And Out Whore

Donald Trump, great president of America and very much ardent follower of Christ, has generously given big portion of donald’s father’s money to down and out harlot who has lost very many of her ways in this world.

Large sum of american $130,000, donated by strong leader and Man of God Trump to floozy who wallows in dregs of pornographic film industry, in order to provide for her great opportunity for to accept Jesus and spread giant words of Trump.

TRumP says this is good thing for America.

We must all make good for America and give our rubles, all of them, to women of filth, says TrUmp.

TrumP also gives us generous tip to buy red america is great hats from website that will donate money to great all over american donald truMP.

So do this, America, and america will blast white greatness over all the world. Happy!

Here is a List of the Books I Read in 2015

Here is a list of the books I read in 2015.

Armstrong, Karen—Muhammad: A Prophet For Our Time (2006)

Barrett, Deirdre—The Committee of Sleep: How Artists, Scientists, And Athletes Use Dreams For Creative Problem-Solving—And How You Can Too (2001)

Bonnett, Alastair—Unruly Places: Lost Spaces, Secret Cities, and Other Inscrutable Geographies (2014)

Bowden, Mark—Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World’s Greatest Outlaw (2001)

Bradbury, Ray—The Illustrated Man (1951)

Bryson, Bill—Notes From a Small Island (1995)

Bulgakov, Mikhail—The Master and Margarita (written from 1928-40, not published until 1967)

Chamovitz, Daniel—What A Plant Knows: A Field Guide To The Senses (2012)

Christie, Agatha—And Then There Were None (1939)

Cooper, Douglas—The Cubist Epoch (1970)

Danielewski, Mark Z.—House of Leaves (2000)

Didion, Joan—Play It As It Lays (1970)

Fernandez, Oscar—Everyday Calculus: Discovering the Hidden Math All Around Us (2014)

Funke, Cornelia—Inkheart (2003)

Gaiman, Neil—The Graveyard Book (2008)

Heath, Chip and Dan—Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard (2010)

Heinlein, Robert A.—The Moon is a Harsh Mistress (1966)

Kaku, Michio—Hyperspace: A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps, and the 10th Dimension (1994)

Moore, Alan, and Lloyd, David—V For Vendetta (1988)

Ohle, David—Motorman (1972)

Percy, Walker—Lost in the Cosmos: The Last Self-Help Book (1983)

Powers, Tim—On Stranger Tides (1988)

Pratchett, Terry—Thud! (2005)

Pynchon, Thomas—Inherent Vice (2009)

Stoker, Bram—Dracula (1897)

VanderMeer, Jeff—Annihilation (2014), Authority (2014), Acceptance (2014)

Walker, Barbara G.—The Secrets of the Tarot: Origins, History, and Symbolism (1994)

Watts, Peter—Echopraxia (2014)

Happy December

December 21, 2015 5 comments
touched_by_his_noodly_appendage

Touched by His Noodly Appendage, by Arne Niklas Jansson

 

There are holidays going on this month. Kwanzaa, Hanukah, New Year’s Eve, Festivus, the winter solstice, Bodhi Day, and probably the biggest one, the birth of Philip K. Dick. Not much else. Unless you want to count the birth of Philip K. Dick’s twin sister, whose tragic passing at the age of six weeks provided a tremendous influence on the writing of her surviving brother.

As you make your way through this celebration-stuffed month, you may come across certain folks that get angry if you don’t wish them a ‘happy’ whatever holiday they celebrate, whether it’s Boxing Day or the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. And this is your fault, because it is December, after all, and if you are unable to take one look at a person and not know what holiday greeting they wish to receive, then, well, why are we even here.

So why not do this: wish people a ‘happy’ whatever is you enjoy, and don’t be mad if they wish you a ‘happy’ something else in return. After all, you will both be wishing each other happiness. Be happy about that. However, if someone becomes hostile and says ‘death to Iowa for growing corn instead of mangos, because we need mangos for National Fruitcake Day on December 27th’ just play it cool, and politely inform them that Iowa doesn’t have the proper terroir to support a bountiful mango harvest. Then maybe share a mango and read about corn together on the internet. You are now friends with someone who wanted to kill you five minutes ago.

I have somehow avoided all of this, even though I have been wishing people my religion’s greeting for some time now (it should be noted that I have recently converted from Discordianism to Pastafarianism). In my new belief system, every Friday is considered a holiday. I’ve been wishing people of all religions a ‘Happy Friday’ for months now, and no one has been offended. It seems that the loving, noodly appendage of our Flying Spaghetti Monster has reached down and wiped away the hate among people who believe some days are better than others, for not one person has corrected me with something to the effect of “Not everyone celebrates Fridays. You should really just wish people happy days.” So maybe people are just more accepting of Pastafarianism, or the key is to dwell in particulars when wishing someone ‘happy something,’ instead of cramming all holidays together into one giant fruitcake of a greeting. I don’t know.

The lesson of this whole thing is to just be happy, dammit. And also, instantly know the beliefs of everyone you come into contact with and accommodate them accordingly.

 

I Met Satan The Other Day

“You were gay before being gay was invented.”

—One kid to another, overheard walking by the neighborhood playground

Interesting.

How could that child be gay if it hadn’t been invented yet?

The only logical conclusion is that the child is Satan.

Explanation:

According to America’s most trusted news source, Fox News, it’s no secret that the Dark Lord invented gayness in order to slow population growth and by extension the influx of souls into hell, which was going through a housing shortage caused by imported cars, Islam, and any human that did not have milky white skin. A fifth grader knows that, and Jeff Foxworthy knows that a fifth grader knows that. Ergo, Jeff Foxworthy is as smart or smarter than a 5th grader, but are you? Tune in to Fox every Tuesday to find out.

This still doesn’t explain why that kid is Lucifer incarnate. Something I’m not sure Jeff Foxworthy knows is this: before putting the final patent stamp (which officially makes it an invention) on his concept of same-sex attraction, the Serpent King himself experimented with homosexuality in order to fine tune the subtle nuances.

In other words, he was gay before being gay was officially invented.

Just like Jeff Foxworthy was Jeff Foxworthy before Jeff Foxworthy was invented. He is in fact Jeff Foxworthy version 2.0, after the original Jeff Foxworthy prototype was destroyed by a massive explosion in the Appalachian Mountains when a redneck who didn’t know he was a redneck (because Jeff Foxworthy had not been invented and therefore neither was his guide on knowing if you are a redneck or not) lit a match near a 50 gallon drum in which he and his sistercousins had been saving their farts for the past three years.

This was one of those happy accidents though, for imagine if we had gotten that first raw, uncouth, unrefined version of Jeff Foxworthy—what would the comedic landscape look like today? Would we have Larry the Cable Guy? Would R ever git done? Would anything git done?

Jeff Foxworthy brought redneck humor (as well as all of its sub-genres, creating a seismic ripple felt everywhere in comedy) up and out of its ‘primordial ooze’ phase, tens of feet into the sky above dusty, car-part littered yards everywhere, like a bottle rocket. He’s like a comedy bottle rocket scientist.

So, uh, in conclusion, the Devil used to be gay and Jeff Foxworthy is a rocket scientist.

Pope Joan And Patriarchal Folly

Here is a legend:

During the Middle Ages, a learned woman named Joan may or may not have risen to the rank of pope by disguising herself as a man. Google Pope Joan if you like.

This brings us to the quote of the year, so far. In The Secrets of the Tarot: Origins, History, and Symbolism, Barbara G. Walker writes:

“Whether Pope Joan was legendary or not, a strange Vatican custom appeared after what the church insisted was not her reign. Candidates for the papacy seated themselves naked on an open stool, like a toilet seat, to be viewed through a hole in the floor by cardinals in a room below. The committee then had to render a formal verdict: Testiculos habet, et bene pendentes—-“He has testicles, and they hang all right.”

The men of the church would rather gaze up at an old guy’s scrotum than mistakenly allow a woman to assume power.

Here’s What I Think Of Those Bastards At Hobby Lobby

A few weeks back, I was in need of blue paint. I was attending a party, you see, and certain parameters of that gathering required me to look like a member of the Blue Man Group.

To Hobby Lobby I went. In the art section, I asked a woman whose name I forget, probably Ruth or Mahalath or something religious, what I could use to paint my head blue. She then quoth Leviticus, chapter 19, verse 28: ‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves.’

I told her I was simply painting my dome, not tattooing it. She then reached out and touched the hem of my garment, and again, quoted Leviticus, chapter 19, verse 19. The exchange went as follows:

Hobby Lobby Lady: ‘Do not mate different kinds of animals.’

Me: ‘I don’t.’

HLL: ‘Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.’

Me: ‘I don’t.’

HLL: ‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.’

She had me there, for I was wearing a shirt composed of 60% cotton, and 40% polyester.

Me: ‘Are you going to help me find the paint or not?’

HLL: ‘I do not work here.’

Once again, she had me. So I asked a woman that actually did work there where I could find the paint I needed. She didn’t know. After some looking, I eventually found some blue tempura paint that met my needs exactly.

So, Hobby Lobby, it is my opinion that you should invest more in your employees, particularly on training them in knowledge of paint.

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