The First Part of the Book, aka “Confluence”

If you read yesterday’s post, you have heard the news of my as yet untitled self-help book on how to write a self-help book. Here is an excerpt from the beginning portion (there are no “chapters” in this book- just “calibrated lessons” broken down into “quantified learnings”, which will then be subdivided into personal “growth exercises”, with those branching off into “synergistic lectures”, eventually culminating in a blast of “opportunistic stanchions of corporate well-being”). The first “calibrated lesson” is based on a quote from Tony Robbins – “Fundamentals are the key to success.” Well Tony, that is true, and even more truer in the world of self-help books about self-help. Here is the opening “vignette” to my book, simply entitled “Confluence.”

As we all know, fundamentals are the key to success. The same rings true in the world of self-help books, only one must strive to be even more fundamentalier. For every rung climbed on the fundamentalistic ladder, it will increase the fundamentalness of your book.

To truly understand “fundamentals”, we must first understand the intricate nature of the word “fundamental” in its entirety. Let’s break down the word into its core elements. The first part, “Fu”, is perceived in many cultures as a statement of aggression, but here serves as the very bedrock of the word “fundamental.” The next part, “ndame”, does in fact sound like the name of an ancient African warrior, but in this case serves as Pillar #2 of Fundamentals. “Ntal.” Now this last part doesn’t even really sound like a word, but it ties together everything that we have learned about fundamentals thus far. Which is: Fundamentals—->Success—->Synergy—–>and, wait for it………..Confluence! Hey, that’s the title of this part of the book! Ah, confluence. The climax of fundamentals, success, and synergy. A true beauty to behold in all its glory. If you work for a large corporation, you have no doubt heard all of these terms thrown around, and now you can maximize them to their fullest potential.

Now, you see what I did there? The key to penning a successful self-help book is tossing around all these words that actually have nothing to do with anything. But people just seem to eat it up anyways, for fear of looking like they don’t understand just how something like the “confluence of synergy” directly affects them. This is good for the self-help book author, because these pasty office drones are just the type you want to target with your book, because they have the extra scratch and broken dreams to drop on the very book that my book will help you write.

And that is the opening. Here’s some Black Keys.