Thousands Of Minnesotans Angry At Purple-Clad Man For Sucking At Throwing A Ball

From the Sports Desk:

This past Sunday, thousands of Minnesotans let the impotent performance of a man in tight purple clothing ruin their day. For some, the baffling emotional connection to fully mature adults toting a piece of dead animal over lines painted on grass is so strong that their mental health will be in jeopardy for the entire week, and most likely the next four months.

“Ponder will be lucky if he turns out to be an average quarterback. He’s inconsistent. He frequently underthrows receivers,” said Teddy Bloat, a man whose most recent job performance review contained the phrases “below average,” “inconsistent,” and “frequently underperforms.”

Roger Mexico, an obese man who resides in Minneapolis, believes he could do better. “Put me out there, even I could hit Jennings in stride,” he claimed. “Terry—think fast!” Mexico shouted as he threw a small rubber ball at his friend across the room, who was completely and utterly stationary in a recliner. The ball bounced off the wall four feet above Terry’s head, hit a plate of nachos on the coffee table, scattering the popular snack everywhere, and finally settled under the couch next to a similar sphere that had come to rest there two years ago when Mexico was comparing his abilities to those of Donovan McNabb’s.

“I thought they said he was smart. He’s no smarter than a steaming pile of octogenarian,” said Laszlo Jamf, who works as a low-level data entry clerk deep in the bowels of a large corporation. “It’s funny, because ‘octogenarian’ literally means ‘octopus shit.’ So what I’m saying is that Ponder has less intelligence than the fecal matter of a cephalopod.”

Kurt Mondaugen, a German mystic, had this to say: “I think what we learned from this article is that everyone, everywhere, is good at their job, and everyone who isn’t that person sucks at their job.”