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I Hope Peyton Manning One Day Decides To Endorse The Company I Work For

How cool would it be to work at an insurance company for like 20 years, and then one day thumb-headed Peyton Manning walks in, films a few commercials, and gets paid more money than you’ve made over those two decades?

It would be very cool, because Peyton Manning is a brand, a lifestyle, a man whose skin and your television screen are one and the same. Let’s not ruin this for him, okay? The man made enough money playing football to ensure that no one in his family has to work for the next three hundred years, and that is precisely why he should continue to get paid thousands of times more than the people who are actually employed at the companies he is shilling for.

At our next company meeting, I plan to request a pay decrease to free up some funds in order to lure Manning in, and hopefully he brings the shit-heads from The Voice with him. Given a choice to have a shot at retiring before I’m 75, or watching Peyton Manning tell Adam Levine he should change his band’s name to Maroon 18, well, let’s just say I plan on working for a very, very long time.

Or maybe a guy as rich as Peyton Manning should be paid entry level wages by these companies.

No. He needs this money.

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Week One Minnesota Vikings Recap

September 12, 2018 4 comments

The Minnesota Vikings defeated their opponent on Sunday. Good job. Way to go, team.

They will not win the Super Bowl.

Categories: Sports Tags: , , ,

Sitting, Standing, and Channel Surfing During the National Anthem

September 14, 2016 2 comments

When I’m watching a sporting event at home I sit on a couch during the national anthem. Sometimes I stand to go use the bathroom. Most of the time I watch something else until the game starts. I know the song is playing, but it’s on a different channel. Does the mere knowledge that the national anthem is playing somewhere require some sort of action?

If you camped outside the house of a pro-stander (or anti-sitter) and played the song continuously would they never sit down?

If you did the same thing at the home of a pro-sitter (or anti-stander), would they never stand up?

If the song is performed acapella using sign language in a forest, does it make a sound?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thousands of Perfect Little Minnesotans Angry At Blair Walsh

It’s been a rough week for perfect Minnesotans. The superior breed is really letting Blair Walsh have it after the Vikings kicker missed a 27-yard field goal near the end of the team’s 10-9 loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Here are thoughts on Blair Walsh from people who have never made a (televised) mistake in their lives:

“Kickers make that 27-yarder 99% of the time. People are going to remember this for years to come,” said a cow milker who one time couldn’t figure out how to open a condom wrapper, and instead of using the 99% effective rubber birth control device, decided to have unprotected sex and now has to make child support payments for years to come.

“I could have made that,” claimed a vending machine repairman, whose bathroom floor is puddled with urine that never made it into the toilet.

“He stinks,” said an out-of-work dog whisperer who never learned to wipe properly and is perpetually surrounded by a faint poopy smell.

“Little purple gnome miss point and I mad,” said a camouflage enthusiast who does not fully understand English, his first and only language.

“He didn’t focus,” observed a fast food connoisseur who bit her own finger off after thinking it was part of a batch of chicken fries.

“I like to drag my ass on the carpet. Like a dog,” said a guy who likes to drag his ass on the carpet like a dog.

Force Adrian Peterson To ‘Switch’ His Name

September 30, 2014 1 comment

The recent Adrian Peterson controversy is one with many possible angles and viewpoints. Is it okay to beat a four-year-old child with a switch and rip open his scrotum if it is going to make him behave? We’ll never know. Is it okay to beat a 29-year-old man with a stick and puncture his nugget pouch for tearing into a four-year-old’s gonad bag? There is no scientific answer.

But the most disturbing question of all is this: why has no one offered up a proposal that would force the NFL star to change his name to Adrian Beat-his-son? It shames him, it’s a fun play on his real name, and the NFL would make even more money when Vikings fans have to re-buy updated number 28 ‘Beathisson’ jerseys.

All I’m asking is for the government and NFL to give some good old fashioned public humiliation a shot.

Multitudes of Heterosexual Men Drafted By Numerous NFL Teams

From The Sports Desk—————-Over the weekend, a multitude of NFL teams drafted heterosexual men, franchises including the Houston Texans, St. Louis Rams, Jacksonville Jaguars, Buffalo Bills, Oakland Raiders, Atlanta Falcons, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cleveland Browns, Minnesota Vikings, Detroit Lions, Tennessee Titans, and New York Giants, as well as every other organization in the league.

After months of analyzing, speculating, and debating, each team looked at its personnel needs and took into account every available player’s potential, skills, knowledge of the rules and strategy related to American football, attitude, discipline, size, 40-yard dash time, bench press, vertical, personality, criminal record, mental health, vision, weight, height, body fat percentage, and collegiate performance, seemingly with little regard to the fact that the near majority of athletes chosen were sexually attracted to women.

Draft analysts are still searching for evidence as to whether preference for intercourse with female genitalia or a man’s rectum, or both, is of any relation to performance on an NFL gridiron. It takes a dedicated, mentally-tough individual to show up every Sunday, wriggle into skintight spandex pants and haul around a leather air sack reminiscent of an enlarged, sickly-looking testicle. Time will tell if the heteros can handle it.

When the 2014 season concludes, franchises will evaluate how the straights handled life on and off the field during the grueling 17 week work year, and possibly break down more barriers in the 2015 draft, where it is whispered that a white quarterback may be chosen, if the whole event doesn’t turn into a violent pansexual free-for-all first.

 

 

 

 

 

The Minnesota Vikings Could Make History

I hope the Vikings lose the rest of their games. Here’s why:

/1/ I don’t care (emotionally) about sports.

/2/ I derive a sick, twisted pleasure from observing sports fans get sad about millionaires losing at a game.

And, #/3/, the most interesting reason of all: The ‘1’ from the current 1-6 record came against the Pittsburgh Steelers at Wembley Stadium in London. So, this season, the Minnesota Vikings are undefeated outside America. Inside America, they are winless. Has any team ever been so dominant in one country and so impotent in another? That’s gotta be some sort of record.

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