how liberals win elections

The liberals want health care, and for children to be released from cages, so they will stop at nothing to make those things happen. Elections are never won fairly by liberals, so here is a rough timeline of what every left leaning libtard socialist nazi libtard will be doing today. If you see any of this happening, light a cross on fire in your yard and the Proud Boys will show up to help you.

-They will begin their day with an omelette (not American food).

-They will go to the polling place and vote. Then they will wait outside for five minutes, reenter the building, holding their pointer finger over their upper lips (to simulate a mustache) and vote again. The women even do this, because all liberal women want to be men and all liberal men cannot grow mustaches. This cycle will repeat for a while (the liberal will use a finger to simulate a different kind of facial hair each time, i.e. sideburns, goatees, full beards, etc.).

-They will take a break to eat tacos and spaghetti (not American food).

-They will cross a border, pick up many immigrants, and force them to vote Democrat at every polling place within a 50 mile radius (this is not hard to do). The immigrants will also use the finger-as-facial hair technique. If the immigrants are hairy, they will vote, and then the liberals will shave them.

-After dark, they will retreat to a cemetery (cemeteries were not invented in America), in order to steal the identities of the departed (for more voting) and do drugs that they got from the immigrants.

-By this time the voting has ended, and they have a party where not everyone is white, and every topic of conversation is about how Fox News is an entertainment channel. They will all be eating hummus (again, not American).

Sad!

 

Infographic: 2018 Election

Whether you’re voting red, blue, independent, or not at all, I think everyone can agree on the message of the above graph. Migrant caravans, pre-existing conditions, beer, the line covers all that. It dips, dives, dips again, and rises at a few points as well. The intersection of ‘C’ and ‘90%’ is particularly telling.

You would be wise to share this on your conservative uncle’s wall, or tweet it out to that libtard up the street. We cannot afford to ignore this information.

If you find yourself in a heated online argument, produce this graph, sit back and wait for your opponent to type the words ‘you’re right. I apologize.’

So get off your duff and vote, or by the time we get to ‘G,’ things very well may reach 120%, or, equally as bad, -5%.

The future of people depends on it.

A Look Inside Today’s Conservative Home

Establishing shot: A really goddamn nice house, not unlike the one in Last Man Standing.

Interior shot: A teenage girl enters. Here we go. A pure, uncut look at the conservative values of 2018 America.

Teenage girl (TG): “Daddy, I need to talk to you.”

Conservative White Father (CWF from here on out): “The stock market is booming. Make it quick.”

TG: “Um, a boy from school….he tried to assault me last night. Sexually.”

CWF: “Prove it.”

TG: “I…..can’t.”

CWF: “Here’s some advice, daughter. Let’s say you were sexually assaulted—which you most certainly were not, from what I’m gathering here—at least have the decency to call me immediately after, or better yet, during. The Chinese invented Barack Obama.”

TG: “But I’m telling you, it really happened.”

CWF: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. How insensitive of me. I’ve been totally out of line. The boy is…..brown, isn’t he? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? (the father pulls an assault rifle out of his shirt) I’m going to kill this son of a bitch.”

TG: “No, he is white.”

CWF: “And you’re trying to drag his name through the mud? For rape? Or in this case, attempted rape? Do you realize how many of Elton John’s records Republicans have broken since 2016?”

TG: “I…..what?”

CWF: “As a thought experiment, let’s say it did happen. Were you being a tease?”

TG. “No.”

CWF: “You were probably dressed kind of slutty, though.”

TG: “No, not at all.”

CWF: “Well those are the only two options. But you know what? Now that I’m looking at you, I’ll be darned if I wouldn’t date you. You know, if you weren’t my daughter.”

TG: “Gross, dad.”

CWF: “No, it’s not gross at all. Us conservative white men see nothing wrong or strange about stating how attractive and dateable our daughters are. This is normal behavior. Now if I was talking about screwing my son, that would be weird.”

TG: “Dad, that’s my brother.”

CWF: “Well, you should probably go up to your room and have your period.”

TG: “Aren’t you going to do anything about the boy who tried to rape me?”

CWF: “Well, as you said earlier, you don’t have proof. Tell you what, I’m going to humor you. Let me have a look at his Facebook page.”

TG: (Brings up the dude’s Facebook page) “Here.”

CWF: “Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere. Last night, you say? (scrolling) Well, I have some bad news for you, daughter. He’s innocent. You see this? He posted ‘Getting white-boy wasted with Ball-sac and Jimbo.’ Nowhere in that statement does he say that he is raping anyone. We will soon have an army in space.”

Conservative White Mother (CWM) enters: “I have finished cleaning.”

CWF: “The daughter thinks she was sexually assaulted. Rich white men should not pay taxes.”

CWM: “Was she dressed inappropriately and being a tease?”

CWF: “It says no. I think this whole thing is just her way of telling us that she enjoys the recent historic tax cuts and burning Nike shoes.”

CWM: “Probably. We do have an extra two dollars and fifty cents per week.”

Conservative White Father grabs his wife by the pussy. “Is dinner ready?”

CWM: “I am just going to let you grab my pussy. It will be a little while before dinner is ready. Why don’t you lecture me about birth control while we wait?”

CWF: “I want dinner now.”

CWM: “I just put the chicken in the oven. It’s unsafe to eat. ”

CWF: “NOT FOR MEEEEE!!!!!!” He rips off his human mask, revealing a scaly, reptilian head. He walks into the kitchen and takes the raw chicken out of the oven. “DINNER IS SERVED!!!!!!!! I SHALL WASH IT DOWN WITH A TALL, COOL GLASS OF LIBTARD TEARS!!!!! RAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!” The rest of Conservative White Father’s lizard body rips out of his human costume as he takes large bites of raw chicken.

Conservative White Mother picks up the pile of human moltings. “These were due for a wash anyways.” She turns to the camera. “Help me. Please.”

TG: “Is anybody going to do anything about my situation? No? Alright then.”

The screen transitions to a pile of flaming Colin Kaepernick jerseys surrounded by Russian nesting dolls. Fade to black.

 

 

 

Breitbart’s Best and Brightest

There are wackos, and even a few normal people, on every political site from the far right to the far left and everything in between, Breitbart being no exception. I’ve cruised through a variety of comment sections on that site, and saved the best and brightest (or worst and darkest, depending on your view of reality).

Here, copy-and-pasted (names omitted), are some things that people decided to type and send out into Breitbartia:

REPEAL Odildocare!  <——‘Odildocare’ is a play on ‘Obamacare.’ The commenter is likening former president Barack Obama to a dildo, a phallic simulacrum used by men and women the world over in place of a real, live penis. –Editor

Just nuke the entire Middle East and be done with this nonsense!   <—–Wouldn’t be able to get oil out of a nuclear wasteland. Oh, and also, innocent people live over there too.  –Editor

Saint Bannon, not Trump, is the heart and soul and mind of the Trump Administration.  <—-Steve hasn’t been canonized. Yet. –Editor

Just think, if Hillary had campaigned in blackface, she might’ve won.     <——Probably not. –Editor

Facebook should be known as Gay Facebook.

(on Scarlett Johansson) She’s not even attractive anymore. She’ll be doing hard core porno in two years with Ashley Judd.   <—–Save that one for Gay Facebook. –Editor

Stop ALL immigration!

I would happily go back to Europe if all the Muslims will go back to Mecca and all the blacks will go back to Africa.             <—–It’s also possible for you to go back to Europe without anyone else leaving. –Editor

That’s why colleges have become retard dens for men: The EFFECTS of Feminism on MEN.          <—–A MAN wrote that comment.  –Editor

Trump is reminding me a bit of what was great about Nixon.        <——Richard Nixon was the only president to resign from office. –Editor

And of course, the anti-Jewish comments:

Those two NY liberal jew rat bastards are nothing but out to destroy old man Trump.

Well, he’s a Jew….what do you expect?

More and more people are coming to the truth about Jews. After all the Bible says even the disciples spoke in whispers for fear of the Jews.

It was the Jews who were chosen as a foil to show the weakness of humanity.

There is only one race and religion causing the entire worlds problems right now and since it seems the entire history of man and it is NOT Islam but Jews as the entire internet and every book on the planet proves.  <—-That’s as good a place as any to wrap this up. –Editor

 

The Corned Beef Conspiracy: Ireland Doesn’t Exist And St. Patrick Is The Meaty Equivalent Of Mrs. Butterworth

Corned beef.

Just as Hallmark created Valentine’s Day so they could sell cards and De Beers invented the concept of marriage in order to give false value to diamonds, March seventeenth has forever become entwined with this strange salted meat, despite said meat having no basis in traditional Irish cuisine, because there is no such thing as Ireland, and therefore no such thing as traditional Irish cuisine, as we will soon see.

Why?

Because.

Oh, and also this: Colorado Premium, a company specializing in meat processing solutions, created Ireland and the myth of St. Patrick in order to sell corned beef. It’s not crazy at all. Think real hard. Do you know anyone who’s been to Ireland? Do you know anyone who’s met St. Patrick? Didn’t think so. Let’s have a look.

Colorado Premium happens to be one of the world’s largest producers of corned beef, and they also happen to have a picture of a guy wearing a hard hat on their ‘About Us’ page.

Why in the name of fictional St. Patrick’s sheleighleigh would anyone dealing with meat need a hard hat? Meat, and generally any solutions pertaining to it, involve softness. A hard hat seems like something someone who is anticipating a visit to a construction site would wear. Since construction sites aren’t necessary to meat, that means this whole thing is an Illuminati conspiracy. You see, Colorado Premium is run by Kevin LaFluer. LaFluer is a French name. France touches Germany. The Illuminati was founded in 1776 in………….Germany.

Moving right along: a quick scan of Colorado Premium’s ‘Partners‘ page shows standard industry meat alliances—Tyson Foods, Cargill Meat Solutions, Smithfield Beef Group, etc.—except for one: Tapatio Hot Sauce?

What are Tapatio Hot Sauce and a prolific corned beef producer doing in bed together?

Why, they are both shadowy victual fronts veiling the sinister plot intended to further screw the clueless herd of sheep that is the American people, of course.

In what way? Well the guy in the hard hat is obviously building something, and Tapatio Hot Sauce just isn’t that good. So we have an industrious producer of corned beef partnering with a company that makes inferior salsa picante. That means something. Corned beef. Hot sauce. Hot sauce. Corned beef. Corned sauce. Hot beef. Corned hot beef sauce.

Colorado Premium is taking that salsa picante partnership cash and using it to build a moat filled with disgusting Tapatio Hot Sauce around the United States in order to keep us

she’s cheating on mr. butterworh with a fake saint

from leaving. Why do ‘They’ (Colorado Premium, Tapatio, and the Illuminati) want to keep us in? It’s pretty obvious. If the lie about Ireland is exposed, the corned beef gravy train comes grinding to a halt. Since the Earth is flat, you should be able to look out from the east coast and see the Emerald Isle. One glance and you’ll notice it’s simply not there. ‘St. Patrick’ is just the meaty equivalent of Mrs. Butterworth. Guinness is Michelob Golden tinted with discarded beef drippings.

 

So there you go. Hallmark, De Beers, Colorado Premium, Taptio, and the Illuminati all want you to keep buying things because they created a way for you to buy them.

Wake up America.

 

 

 

 

 

The Democratic Convention Will End With Surgery Or Conception

I think it’s pretty obvious how the Democratic National Convention is going to end: tomorrow night, right during primetime, expect Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders to be sown together, legally making them one person, something called Billary Slinton or Hernie Clanders, who will become the new nominee.

Or they’ll conceive a baby.

Then they’ll pump Hillary full of age-accelerating pills—something the government has been hiding from us—in order for the love child to be born and advance to an electable age by November.

Either way, I don’t care anymore.

Conspiracy Theory: Jon Stewart Is Donald Trump

“We cannot ban guns in this country because of a few bad apples. But we can ban an entire religion.”    —The actor currently portraying Donald Trump

August 6, 2015—A Republican presidential debate occurs the same night as Jon Stewart’s final Daily Show. Backstage after the debate in Cleveland, Chris Christie, turning his nose up at the provided fruit trays, pulls a hoagie from his pocket. The toppings accidentally spill onto the floor. Christie lures Donald Trump to a dark corner and places him inside the hoagie.

“AHHH. Donald Trump is turning into poop inside my body right now.”

Chris Christie eats a Donald Trump hoagie as the rest of the candidates watch. No one intervenes.

 

August 7-present—Donald Trump continues his presidential campaign. How is this possible if he was eaten and turned into fecal matter by Chris Christie?

August 6, moments after Chris Christie has licked the last drops of Trump juice from his fingers—Realizing they are all accomplices, the candidates settle on the following plan: they will hire Jon Stewart, who now has free time galore, to play Donald Trump. If there is one thing they all agree on, it is that Trump should be out of the race. Stewart will alienate voters by simply doing and saying things that Donald Trump would say and do, and as his popularity in the polls inevitably declines, he’ll drop out of his candidacy, eventually fading from public memory.

The present—Jon Stewart, in his Trump disguise, is the most popular Republican candidate.

This is just a conspiracy theory. It might not be true.

Possible Outcomes of Building a Wall Along the American Border

This post is featured today over at the internet comedy magazine Long Awkward Pause. So click that link and read it there, because they were nice enough to add pictures and make it look pretty, or stay here and feast your vision balls on the original. It don’t matta.

The current debate over whether or not it is necessary to construct a wall along the United States border is a complex and delicate subject. As a resident of one of the potentially affected states (Minnesota), I have compiled a by-no-means-comprehensive list of pros and cons outlining some scenarios that would possibly stem from erecting a barrier between America and Canada.

Pro—The first, and most obvious benefit of a wall: it will keep Canadians out. American jobs will go to American people. American currency will stay in America. Con—You can kiss authentic Canadian cuisine goodbye. Imagine, instead of a real Canadian using his finger or other long, dangling digit to put the hole in your Bagel de Montréal, this will now be done by a pock-faced American teenager that cannot locate Saskatoon on a map. Americanized poutine simulacrum will proliferate. No more shipments of ketchup-flavored potato chips.

Pro—Three studies have shown that catapults are the most effective way to get over border walls. Therefore, stock in an obscure Canadian ballistic laboratory will skyrocket, and American investors will suddenly have no problem with Canada. Con—The investors will collectively lose millions after throwing their money at what turns out to be a backwoods moosemilk distillery run by a Canuck with a slingshot.

Pro—A massive network of underground tunnels will be dug underneath the wall. We will cap the exit holes on the American side, and use drone strikes to demolish the Canadian entrances. Thousands will be trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, and they will evolve into a blind albino race capable of absorbing nutrients from clay. The pro here is that racism will not exist in this culture, because they are blind. Con—When the albinos inevitably make their way earthside, whether in Canada or America, hobby stores will find it virtually impossible to keep clay in stock. The owners will send their minions on a rush to clay-rich regions, giving rise to boomtowns and all of their associated vices (prostitution, massive slaughter of indigenous peoples, ruthless barons, greedy tycoons, uncouth lawmen, cowpokes riding into saloons on horseback, etc.). Hobby store owners will be the new royalty, and America will soon smell like the deepest, darkest recesses of Bob Ross’ afro after a marathon painting session.

Pro—Mexico will become the voice of reason and intervene. Future Mexican presidente Ronaldo Rodreaganez will give a historic speech, broadcast to America on Telemundo, that goes something like this: “Señor Trump (not Donald, by this time his grandson will have inherited the American dictatorship), tear down this wall.” Con—Microscopic fibers from the current Trump’s hair were sprinkled into the wall’s concrete mixture, and as that concrete set, Donald spoke to the wall every night, telling it xenophobic anecdotes and tales of his business prowess, which caused the barrier to form a think narcissistic skin that is indestructible. America falls into something similar to the Japanese period of Sakoku, in which no outsiders can enter, and no natives can leave.

Pro—David Hasselhoff will one day perform a concert on the wall. Con—The social and political messages of his music will be overshadowed by the Hoff’s well-defined cheekbones and swiveling hips. He will also be pelted by an unopened can of Molson Ice, further souring Canadian/American relations.

Sides will be taken. Hashtag activists will wear out their ‘shift’ and ‘3’ keys. Bunkers will be stocked with French fries and gravy. A counter movement will form, wanting to dig a trench instead.

The storm is coming.

 

Donald Trump in a Rage Against the Machine Video

Screenshot of Rage Against the Machine’s “Sleep Now in the Fire” video from 1999…..

Guest Post: The Hirsute Naked Man In The Gym Locker Room Discusses the Hashtag Nude Lives Matter Movement

Well, I’ve been in somewhat of a blogging drought lately, so I’m going to give sole control of today’s post to some hairy naked guy I met in the gym locker room. I made a deal with him: if he put on his damn underwear, he could write a guest post for my blog. Everyone wins: content is generated for you, the reader, and the pasty undulations in my immediate quadrant are veiled, if only for one night. So here is the first ever guest post on this blog, from The Hirsute Naked Man In The Gym Locker Room.

Hello, blog! NUDITY!!! OLD, NAKED MEN!!!!! HAIRY BACKS!!!!!! SCROTUMS SWAYING GENTLY IN THE GALE PRODUCED BY THE GLORIOUS POWER OF AN XLERATOR-BRAND HAND DRYER!!!!

I apologize. I was using the attention-grabbing tactic of beginning a manifesto with a series of edgy words. So don’t worry, it was all for show.

And now that I’ve got your attention, let’s talk about public male nudity in men over the age of 70. This is a demographic that has been pushed to the fringes of society, marginalized, insulted, and universally regarded as an outdated herd of soured, pickled meatbeasts with nothing important to say.

Well I importantly say this: public nudity serves many purposes in this crazy rat race we call life, which is sort of ironic, because if life really were a rat race, we would all be naked, like rats are all the time. You know what I’m talkin’ about, how they just crazily scramble around and pile up on top of one another, having hours and hours of naked rat fun.

When was the last time you saw a good old-fashioned fleshy pile of humanity, writhing around and whoopin’ it up, just like rats do every day? Time was, we called it Saturday Night. Now? Sheesh, I call it a win if I catch the vague outline of a man’s penis through his fancy dress pants.

Which brings us to the tale of how I landed this gig as a guest blogger. ‘Twas a Monday night. Or was it a Wednesday? Time and space bend in odd ways when you bask in the illumination of nudity, you must understand. Anyways, due to a remodeling job, the local gym has been rather empty lately. So, after patrolling the locker room for a few hours—nude, obviously—I realized I hadn’t seen anyone for a very long time, so I was about to call it a night and take my third steamy shower in the provided facilities when in walks some clothed gentleman.

Excellent, I think to myself, this room could use a fresh pair of bare buttocks. I lurked around the corner, waiting for him to derobe. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when all the guy does is change from his regular short pants into his gym shorts. And to make matters more ridiculous, he was wearing some sort of garment under his shorts that covered his genitals while he made the switch!

My world was shook—left became right, up became down, all-out bare-assed glory became heavy winter-layering.

So I strut over there, throw my foot up on the bench, and lean my elbow on my knee, a position that is the absolute last word in nude comfort, plus it gives your hammy a bonus mini-stretch, and makes the upper parts of your lower body more readily available to receive any breeze that my happen to be blowing through. And I say to the guy, I say, “What better place than here, what better time than now, is there to be nude?”

He says something not pertaining to nudity, so I press on: “Nice locker room, right. Got showers and everything. Real nice showers,” the implication here being that showers require one to be naked.

Again, his retort has absolutely nothing to do with the action of being completely devoid of clothing, and then he mentions something about a computer blog. Who is this guy? For realsies?!

So, having accurately pegged this guy as a ‘clother,’ I try to coax him out of his shell by explaining to him my method of getting dressed, even though this event is very stressful to me.

I won’t bore you with the details, but when I finally do get dressed, pants are the absolute last thing to go on. Even after the shoes. You’re probably asking yourself, ‘Doesn’t this cause him to wobble, teeter, and stumble around as he struggles to pull his pants over his shoes, grabbing on to whoever is near for support while his anus is exposed and his genitals swing free?’

The answer to that question varies. Sure, there have been times when I lost my balance and tumbled into an unsuspecting locker room patron. Whether or not any of my private parts brushed against that person is up for debate.

On the other end, there have been plenty of occurrences when I successfully pulled my pants on over my shoes, free of any incidental contact with standers-by. In the end, it all cancels out.

Anyways, all this talk of dress has gotten me off track. I, along with my fellow free-hanging septuagenarian brethren, have been hearing a lot about all sorts of lives mattering, with no mention whatsoever about nude lives. Where do we fit in to the mix, huh? Where’s all the coverage of police ruthlessly gunning down an innocent nude man? I haven’t seen any. Did you know that many businesses will flat out refuse to hire a naked applicant that fits all qualifications for an open position? How about the act of segregating us beautiful, naked, hairy nudes into a small locker room?

Hashtag nude lives matter, man.

So, where do nude, old, hairy men stand in today’s society? In America’s gym locker rooms, is where we stand, and soon we shall burst forth from these prisons, walking very slowly, carrying towels but not using them to cover anything up, and coughing every fifteen seconds.

The world will know us.

Hashtag Blog.

-love, the hairy naked man from the gym locker room