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Target Field, Continued….

As a companion piece to yesterday’s Blog, here is a letter I wrote, but never sent, to the proprietor of the parking lot I use in Minneapolis. You see, in order to maximize their earning power by exploiting the Twins stadium, they don’t let their regular renters park in the lot during games unless they pay an extra 20$. And they also recently raised the monthly rates for parking there. I have no problem with them wanting to take in more scratch, but raising rent while reducing parking privileges really chaps my ass. I never gave them this because I’m pretty sure it makes me sound like a pretentious dick.

Dear Eunice (names have been altered):

Are you guys eating paint over there? I recently received your notice about the charges that will be incurred during Twins games here at Union Plaza (that name was not altered). I am somewhat troubled however, that you have the valor to charge your paying customers for parking in your lot during games. As an observant patron of your parking lot, I couldn’t help but notice that rates were raised in recent months. I also couldn’t help but realize that with the new stadium in your backyard, your revenue stream will be increasing substantially. So I must ask–why would you charge your clients more money for a declined service? Whoever’s idea this was honestly deserves to have Kevin Federline fart in their dinner every night for no less than two weeks. If monthly rent were to decrease due to the inconvenience that these new stipulations have induced upon us, I would understand. But I must insist, nay, DEMAND that either the faithful patrons either be granted the right to park there during times in which the local baseball franchise is playing, or the rent should be lowered. After all, I have noticed that by the time I vacate the lot, usually around 7-9pm, I am often one of very few cars left. I haven’t taken any of my time to actually count how many spots there are, but I am under the impression that these few motor vehicles would not do much damage to your monetary intake. You are, after all, charging 20$ per vehicle, which adds up to a nice little haul.  This deft maneuver on your part strikes me as something vaguely akin to the recent signing of Greyson Chance by Interscope Records. A company so desperate for a cash grab that at the first promise of profit they jump on it much in the same way a famished mongoose would ravage the nearest serpent. What happens when baseball season is over? Are we to forget how we were tossed aside, while you pandered to a base of mongrel athletics fans?  Do they appreciate the painstaking effort that it took to lay down the intricately straight lines that keep everything in order? The perfectly placed stop sign that we all must obey, just to remind us that hey, you’re in a parking lot, slow down! The fences along the train tracks that have no doubt deterred more than one of us from jumping in front of the 7 o’clock to St. Paul?  We, the little people truly appreciate all that you have done for us, while the Twins fans leave nothing behind but brat-flavored vomit and and air of unearned superiority.

Here’s today’s Blong. I’ve never really been a fan of Twisted Sister, but I find it somewhat amusing when the guy gets blasted out the window at the beginning. And it goes with today’s theme.

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