Give Us a Film About Joe ‘Mental’ Mentalino

Murphy Brown is back. It’s looking like we’re going to get a movie about every person who ever appeared in a Harry Potter book. And every book that appeared in a Harry Potter book. And then the books that are in those books. Even Bumblebee, a goddamn Volkswagen, is getting a spin-off.

I’d like to see a prequel to Dumb and Dumber focusing on the two bit thug Joe ‘Mental’ Mentalino. Now there’s a character study.

Show us some of his childhood. Dig deeper into his struggle with ulcers. Has he always had them? Were they caused by his life of crime? Or was he in such great pain that he was driven to thuggery and buffoonery in order to be able to afford ulcer medicine?

How did the guy get to a place in his life where he was able to cut off a parakeet’s head?

What other depraved acts has he carried out?

So many themes to explore—the development of a psyche capable of animal decapitation, America’s broken healthcare system, the irony of a man being killed by his own rat poison.

There is a market for this.

 

Movie Script Idea

Some jerk, played by Jack Black, or whoever, somehow gains the ability to see the true inner self of people he encounters. Maybe we could get Tony Robbins or Doctor Oz to hypnotize him to make this possible. Hell, he could just get struck by lightning instead. That would be a lot easier, plus I feel like Doctor Oz would show up on set with quinoa salad to share with everyone, and then give some pitch about a new weight loss drug he just invested in. It would set back the schedule. I run a tight set. I’m also the director now. Writer-director.

Back on track. And by the way, the main guy doesn’t have to be Jack Black, maybe Neil Patrick Harris would be interested, or we could bring back some broke television star from the ’80’s that probably hasn’t tasted hot food in a while. So, this main character meets a really hot chick that doesn’t seem to understand why our main man is interested in her.

We fill in the middle with enough low grade bathroom humor to get the running time up to 90 minutes, then at the end, the Shyamalanian twist comes: the hot chick was the person’s inner self, remember, and when Jack Black or Michael Newman comes out of his altered state, we find that the person he was attracted to was a flamboyant junior high kid. Don’t worry, they didn’t get it on or anything. The other people in the film notice that the guy is acting really creepy around this kid, so they call the police.

The guy goes to jail, I’m thinking Michael Newman is my main choice now, because I’m the producer too. Writing, directing, producing. I do a lot of stuff. While in prison, the guy somehow becomes hypnotized again, and finds true love, this time with a legal adult, maybe a morbidly obese Hawaiian man, or whatever juxtaposition would be funny in this scenario. Who would look funny as Michael Newman’s boyfriend? I’ll have to look through some headshots. Or maybe I’ll just play the main guy, because I also act. I’m an actor that writes and directs and produces. And then the guy I fall in love with in prison is actually me, because by this point I play everyone in the movie.

The thing is, I don’t really want to get involved in the whole Hollywood-Industrial complex, so in order to get this thing made, it’s all going to have to take place in my spare bedroom, with no cameras, because I don’t like seeing videos of myself. Actually, I’ll probably just sit on the couch and imagine all this happening, then the second Shyamalanian twist will flop out: I find out that I am actually M. Night Shyamalan, or he is me. Haven’t thought that out yet.

I’m going to end this post now.

 

The Left-Wing/Liberal Review of the Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World

The left-wing liberal is sitting in a coffee shop, skimming over an article titled “The Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World.”

How did it come to this? Why would someone read, on purpose, an article he knows will anger him?

The left-wing liberal is a tough creature to understand. Currently, he is on what is called a Comcast Cleanse, which means that he is boycotting the large corporation, because large corporations are evil. So, unable to access the internet in his suburban home, he grabs his iPad, hops into his Honda, which gets over 35mpg, and drives to the nearest Starbucks to use their Wi-Fi before he goes to his job at Target.

He starts by expressing his outrage over Cecil the lion on Facebook for the seventh straight day, oblivious to the fact that, as a carnivore, he himself has contributed to the slaughter of countless chickens, cows, and pigs right here in America. To be fair, though, the animals he eats are labeled ‘organic’ and don’t live in a factory, which makes killing them okay. And besides, he sometimes partakes in Meatless Mondays, so he’s basically a vegetarian.

Anyways, as he skims through the ‘Jurassic World’ article, he thinks how great it is that more and more children’s sports leagues don’t keep score and everyone gets a trophy, because that is how real life works.

“Ha! Doesn’t this guy realize that Islam and Christianity are actually very similar? I’m not sure how, exactly, but Brian said it on Family Guy one time.”

He temporarily diverts himself away from the article to visit a charitable website for pregnant inner city transgender hermaphrodite teenage kids that can’t afford to live inside of buildings. Just as he is about to click the ‘donate’ button, which would transfer five dollars from his bank account into that of the charity, he wanders up to the counter to purchase another coffee. By the time he is back at his iPad, the session has timed out, and he isn’t about to reenter all his information. He was close, though.

He decides to do something about this right-wing Jurassic World article. He copies the URL, and posts the link in his Facebook timeline with the header “Check out this paranoid conservative idiot,” an act which will somehow bring us all closer to peace and harmony.

The Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World

Indominus Rex, or America, is vilified by this film.

Summertime means it’s time for fun, hot (but not global warming hot) temps, and big budget films liberally laced with anti-American values.

Jurassic World, or more appropriately Jihad World, is an audacious reminder that Muslims and liberals, now one and the same, have pulled out their spoons and dug, chipped, and caved their way into the entertainment industry in order to push upon us a film that symbolically dismantles America and her freedoms.

But wait, isn’t Jurassic World just an innocent summer thriller featuring dinosaurs and eye-dazzling special effects? The RIGHT-wing says WRONG!

It’s all about symbolism, folks. And cave-dwelling director Colin Trevorrow injects the symbolism into this film so heavily that even all the children left behind by the No Child Left Behind Act can see it.

It’s all as plain as the hair on my turban-free head.

Early in the film, we meet Muslim extremist Owen Grady, played by Chris Pratt. Grady represents the forces scheming to destroy freedom and liberty—a kind of Hitler, Bin Laden, and Hussein (both Saddam and Barack) medley.

During a velociraptor training session, Grady stops the beasts from feasting upon a small pig that runs through their cage, which is Anti-American Symbol #1: pork is withheld from the velociraptors, therefore the velociraptors represent Muslimity. Frankly, I’m surprised the filmmakers didn’t rename the velociraptors something like Islamasaurus, or Muslim Lizard King, or Death To Infidelus Rex. By now, you should be outraged. But wait, there’s more.

Anti-American Symbol #2: We are introduced to the apex predator, the badass, the hero, the king, the indestructible force of the film: the Indominus rex. The genetic makeup contains the DNA of cuttlefish, tree frogs, and a number of alpha dinosaurs. Read—this dinosaur is a veritable melting pot of genes. Wait, where has that term been used before? Oh yeah, to describe AMERICA. While in captivity, Indominus kills its sister, which obviously represents Great Britain, and eventually gains independence. So we have here the holy rolling train of unstoppable AMERICA.

But, for unspeakable reasons, Trevorrow depicts this perfect beast as an insatiable killer that preys on the weak and starts fights for fun.

As Grady searches for the escaped genius, we witness a wide shot depicting a landscape of dead apatosauri, killed for sport by Indominus. Now what does this remind you of? Remember when early patriots, drinking the delicious nectar of Manifest Destiny, meaninglessly slaughtered millions of buffalo on their journey west? Well, Jihad World mocks that.

Anti-American Symbol #3: Then we have Vic Hoskins, played by Vincent D’Onofrio. Despite D’Onofrio’s suspicious Spanish-sounding surname, do not fret, for he portrays a patriot. Hoskins plans to use the dinosaurs, most notably the sexy Indominus, as military weapons. He is, of course, vilified and eventually killed.

Anti-American Symbol #4: Visitors to Jihad World use gyrospheres, which are rolling orbs used to get up close and personal with the dinosaurs. What, you may ask, is wrong with a gyrosphere? A gyro is a Greek sandwich. Greek sandwiches do not come from AMERICA. The writers could have just as easily named the device a Cheeseburgersphere, or even put the tourists in mini Wienermobiles, but they didn’t.

Anti-American Symbol #5: The Indominus is eventually killed when the velociraptors and the Tyrannosaurus Rex push it towards the lagoon, where the Mosasaurus drags it underwater, metaphorically killing AMERICA. We have already discussed what the velociraptors represent, but where do the Tyrannosaurus and Mosasaurus fit in?

Simply put, the Tyrannosaurus represents tyranny, ISIS, homosexuality, interracial dating, taxes, un-white people, communism, immigrants, reggae music, electric cars, and any establishment that does not allow assault rifles—all things that will eventually push AMERICA to her demise. The Mosasaurus, due to its aquatic nature, is a blatant reminder that our enemies are covertly building vast underwater cities stuffed to the rafters with nukes, science books, and Kurt Vonnegut novels.

In conclusion, avoid this movie at all costs, and report anyone who sees it to Homeland Security.

(The inspiration for this review can be found in this article and its comments section, in which someone at the Tea Party News Network was under the impression that Chipotle became involved in some sort of Islamic conspiracy.)

Film Review—Atlas Shrugged, Part One

All the good directors and actors must have been on strike while this film was being made. It’s bad.

Horror Movie Script

A pair of twins, reeling from the death of their parents, use their insurance money to buy an old mansion. The day comes when they move into their new digs. For an old house, it’s got a lot of modern amenities—track lighting, full gym, and a supply of creatine that almost seems to breed overnight. But then strange things begin to happen: shirts are found shrunken to a perfect ‘athletic fit,’ and disintegrate after more than one use. Any full-bodied beer placed in the refrigerator is mysteriously Miller 64 by morning. Sugar and salt transform into protein powder.

The house develops a new center of gravity, directly in front of the bathroom mirror. Once positioned in that spot, the twins find it nearly impossible to look away. Coupons for local tanning salons appear on the breakfast bar. The walls bleed hair gel at night, and in the morning, instead of fog, a choking mist of Axe body spray lingers over the property.

The strange occurrences escalate. At the apex of the ‘frightenings’, one of the twins wakes up and finds a rotting, yet well-coiffed zombie lingering near the bed, ready with a pointed weapon. The apparition points, and shoots. The boy screams, but is not harmed. It turns out it was a bottle of Febreeze; the walking dead man thought the stagnant scent in the room would ‘scare off tail.’ Episodes like this continue, until the twins find that the house has a deep, dark secret: it is haunted by ghost zombie metrosexual meat-head douchebags.

An epic battle ensues—the twins put up an effort to disgustify their house—laundry is put off, Tucker Max novels are burned, Spike TV is blocked. Inevitably, the house proves to be too powerful with its telekinetic powers.

The twins eventually find themselves dressing in tight shirts and downing protein shakes with their ‘brahs’ without even realizing what happened. The back patio, which they had originally planned to use for a laid-back bonfire area, is suddenly populated by loud hordes of women with low self esteem.

Facing defeat, the twins attempt a last act of defiance: they try to vomit up the extreme amount of protein that has been wreaking havoc on their digestive systems, but the metrosexual spirits suppress the urge, causing the twins to choke and die.

Fin

The Literary Lounge–Jay Gatsby: Great, Or Giant Loser?

It’s been a few years since I read The Great Gatsby, which was recently converted to the silver screen. If memory serves, wasn’t Jay Gatsby just some guy who let a bunch of strangers party at his house while he called them “old sport,” then somebody shot him and nobody showed up to the funeral?

Discuss.

Film Review—The Graduate

“Matthew Arnold set up three criteria for criticism: 1. What is the writer trying to do? 2. How well does he succeed in doing it? (…) 3. Does the work exhibit “high seriousness”? That is, does it touch on basic issues of good and evil, life and death and the human condition.” —William S. Burroughs, from A Review of the Reviewers

Let’s have a look. Number One on the list—what were the minds behind The Graduate attempting to accomplish? I believe the main objective was to constantly play Simon and Garfunkel songs while Dustin Hoffman stares at stuff, and also provide a set-up for the church scene in Wayne’s World 2.

Number Two—did they succeed? Well, the whole movie centers around Dustin Hoffman, staring at various things while Simon and Garfunkel songs play. They succeeded in that goal. The Wayne’s World 2 church scene also makes a whole lot more sense to me now. Success there as well.

Number Three—did the work touch on good/evil, the human condition, etc.? Yes, opposing forces meet, mingle, and ultimately clash. The themes and symbolism present in Hoffman’s erotic hotel rendezvous’ with the older woman which then segue into a relationship with that woman’s daughter are relatable, and could even be said to be archetypes present in Jung’s collective unconscious. And, finally—being honored with a parody by Mike Myers is a hallmark of “high seriousness.”

Going by these criteria, the movie appears to be flawless. By my criteria, it appeared to suck.

 

 

Happy Birthday, Chris Farley

Chris Farley should’ve been 49 today. Where would he be now? Still fat, and funny as ever? Would he have shed his weight and started doing dark indie films? Sex scandal? Drunk driving arrest? Murder? International intrigue? Political office? All I know is that we have Kevin James now. Kevin James.

 

Some Thoughts On The Film ‘Superbad’

Who did all the penis drawings? It’s a very odd job to have to set up. How long did it take to illustrate all those? Was it one person, or did everyone on the crew draw one up over the course of production? And if it was just one person, how much did he or she get paid? Did they contract it out, or did the producers have a specific artist in mind? Does the artist tell his/her family and friends, “Hey, if you ever see Superbad, I did all the penis drawings,” or not tell anyone?

If you know the answers to any of these questions, please, let me know.