I Hope Peyton Manning One Day Decides To Endorse The Company I Work For

How cool would it be to work at an insurance company for like 20 years, and then one day thumb-headed Peyton Manning walks in, films a few commercials, and gets paid more money than you’ve made over those two decades?

It would be very cool, because Peyton Manning is a brand, a lifestyle, a man whose skin and your television screen are one and the same. Let’s not ruin this for him, okay? The man made enough money playing football to ensure that no one in his family has to work for the next three hundred years, and that is precisely why he should continue to get paid thousands of times more than the people who are actually employed at the companies he is shilling for.

At our next company meeting, I plan to request a pay decrease to free up some funds in order to lure Manning in, and hopefully he brings the shit-heads from The Voice with him. Given a choice to have a shot at retiring before I’m 75, or watching Peyton Manning tell Adam Levine he should change his band’s name to Maroon 18, well, let’s just say I plan on working for a very, very long time.

Or maybe a guy as rich as Peyton Manning should be paid entry level wages by these companies.

No. He needs this money.

The Solution To Subway’s Imminent Branding Problem

I’m an “ideas man.” A “problem solver.” A guy that “gets things done.”

So, instead of sitting here with my hand down my pants, adding onto the internet trash heap of Jared prison rape jokes, I’ve already hatched a scheme to cash in on the fallout Subway is facing.

Here’s my pitch: we all know that a fat pervert can get skinny on the Subway diet. This has been pounded into our heads for the last 15 years. So, Subway, why not go the other direction and hire me, a svelte gentleman who is willing to become very, very obese from eating Subway, while also being attracted to adult women? Eh? Imagine commercials featuring a big fat guy that eats his height’s worth of meatball sandwiches every day as women surround him, feeding him cookies and caressing his ever-expanding ‘Subway Bod.’

The ball’s in your court, Subway.

Instead of ‘Eat Fresh,’ the slogan could be ‘Eat Many Meatballs.’

Kmart Commercial

I think that Kmart commercial would have been a lot funnier if everyone, instead of saying they just shipped their pants, said they had just shit their pants. There’s nothing funny about pants being loaded into a truck and delivered somewhere. And if they used my suggestion, there could be some kind of tie-in campaign with cleaning supplies and laundry detergent.

 

Shame On Hot Pockets For Enabling Snoop Dogg/Lion’s Insatiable Appetite For Attention

Wha, how — why — what is happening?

Old Mentos Commercials

The title says it all. Here are old Mentos Commercials.

Man, just think if I had a dollar for every time Mentos got me out of a jam. I literally wouldn’t be able to buy a roll of Mentos. I don’t even think I’ve ever had a Mentos before. Probably because I’ve always had a strict personal constitution to avoid situations where I have to rely on a breath mint to help me out. Have a splendid weekend.

I Am Writing a Feature-Length Book

According to the heading up there, I am in fact in the process of writing a book. A book full of words, possibly some helpful illustrations, and a plethora of knowledge that will undoubtedly cut a swath of inspiration betwixt your lethargic psyche and the unbearable ennui of everyday living. “So who is this guy, and what the crap is he qualified to write a book about?”, you might be asking yourself. Well, I took notice that this character Steven R. Covey has sold like 15 MILLION copies of something called “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” (I would like to note that, according to the book, personal hygiene is not one of the habits of highly effective people, nor is drinking water or eating. The lack of stinky, slovenly dressed, malnourished successful people in my community leads me to believe that Covey is full of horse poo.) And then there’s this other clown, Dale Carnegie, who produced the quite unbearable “How to Win Friends and Influence People” back in the dirty 30’s. Although I wouldn’t actually give him credit for writing it, since Carnegie basically quotes other people for the entirety of the book. What is this, Bartlett’s? And since reading Carnegie’s book, I haven’t even made one new friend! Which brings us to the purpose of my book: it’s a self-help book, on how to write a self-help book. If Covey and Carnegie can do it, why can’t I? How delectable the irony that the wandering, laborious means with which they delivered their ideas inspired me to actually want to do the same, in an even more wandering, laborious manner! The student becomes the teacher. Possible working titles for the book include, but are not limited to:

–Help Yourself: A Self-Help Guide on How to Help Others, All While Being Helpful to Yourself and Helping Others Help Themselves

–The Three Fundamental Layers of the Five Pillars of Synergy: A Core Examination of the Seven Tiers of Leadership, With a Brief Explanation of the Nine Pedastals of the Six Sigma Lifestyle

–Maximize Your Earning Potential: A Repository Guide on How to Think So Far Outside of the Box, You Won’t Even Be Able to See the Box Anymore, Thus Forgetting There Was a Box in the First Place, Thus Enabling You to Think Even More Outside of the Box That You Aren’t Even Thinking About Anymore

–H.E.L.P.P.: Helping Everyone Learn. And Oh Yeah, there’s a Pizza Party after you Help Everyone Learn!

–Win-Win: How to Beat Your Opponent Into Submission With Raw Will and a Cast Iron Skillet, And Then Use The Skillet To Cook a Delicious Breakfast for Both of You, All While Explaining to Your Opponent Why Beating Him And Then Feeding Him Eggs Helped Both of You Win

–Benchmarks of Success: How to Max out Your 401K, Raise Healthy Children, and Love Your Spouse, All While Maintaining an Intricate Web of Lies and a Mistress on the Side

Well, that’s gonna do it for me, folks. Tomorrow I will be featuring an excerpt from the first chapter of the book.

Blong. Chemical Brothers.

Sponsor the Blog!

Hey! Have you guys been out to Walser Nissan down there on Buck Hill Road? They’re practically giving cars away! And the sales staff is just so friendly! And they have a waiting room with donuts in it! As the temperature rises, their prices plummet! Get over their and test drive a Nissan today!

Sorry, I was hoping if I did that maybe I would get a corporate sponsorship or something.  Celebrities do it right?  For a sizeable nominal fee, I would have no qualms whatsoever about slapping some faceless corporation’s logo on this Blog, as long as that corporation is as reputable as Walser Nissan on Buck Hill! Well, I guess they wouldn’t even have to be that reputable. I would be willing to harbor a company that has been mired in a minor scandal of sorts, but nothing too serious.  Maybe some money laundering, fudging the books a bit–that would be tolerable. Anything worse than that I won’t have.  Take Apple for instance, prior to the release of the iPad, they had people at their factory in China killing themselves to escape the sheer exhaustion! And Steve Jobs seems like he isn’t a very nice person. Although they do make a pretty slick computer. Heck, I use one everyday. Alright Apple, you twisted my arm! I’d accept your money for a little slice of space over there on the left side of the page. But nothing worse than that. BP basically destroyed an ocean, and as a nature lover, I am truly disgusted. Although in the coming weeks and months, probably even years, they are undoubtedly going to be looking to revamp their image, and are going to be willing to pay top dollar to do so. Oh BP, I can’t stay mad at you! Get over here you knucklehead! Accidents happen, right? And I wasn’t really planning on traveling down to the Gulf anytime soon anyways. Just keep your rigs out of Minnesota and you’ve got yourself a gosh-darn deal! I’m sure all those oil-saturated sea turtles, fish, and birds won’t even remember this in a few years.  Just like a forest fire is nature’s way of cleaning house, sometimes you just gotta pump a gigantic aquatic ecosystem full of rich, creamy oil. It gets rid of the weaklings.

Other companies/people that I would consider letting sponsor the Blog:

AIG, Enron, Halliburton, Wal-Mart, Rod Blagojevich, and Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, if he were still alive.

The Blong, by request, is some good ol’ CCR.

The YCL Marketing Plan

I realized I haven’t really posted anything about school in a while, so I figured I would let everyone in on my final project for marketing. For the next five weeks we are working on a marketing campaign for a company, band, restaurant, etc. One of the main things I have taken from this class is that having a good story sells. That’s why white people from the suburbs think Eminem is so cool. He used to live in the “ghetto.” Now he is basically insulting his fans by putting out pure trash and calling it music. Anyways, last night my gray blob came up with this back story for YCL. Some of it is true, some of it isn’t.

YoungCleanLegit (YCL) was born to a pair of southern Minnesota lovebirds back in the hairspray flavored 80’s. He grew up with a fierce aversion to physical labor, while passing the time in an old maple tree reading Calvin and Hobbes books. Without cable and video games, he was forced to use his brain to occupy the listless hours.  Well, some calamitous events occured and YCL found himself in his 20’s, living in a urine soaked cardboard box under a bridge, with nothing but rat steaks and pigeon eggs for sustenance. After making sweet, sweet blues music by banging on an empty beer case and playing an old kazoo that almost certainly infected him with angina pectoris, he decided to pull himself up by his boot straps and go out and get an education. He promptly looked down and realized that he did not own any footwear, and instead opted to yank himself up by the tapeworm that was peeking out of an open sore on the top of his foot. Rest assured, YCL is now disease free (he is Young, Clean, and Legit after all) and producing a William S. Burroughs influenced album entitled Nude Supper with the world’s first mute rapper, The Sound of Silence.  So gather round, and experience this atrocious bundle of wacked out sonic adventure.

Today’s Blong comes from Herb Alpert. Without this song, there would be no “Hypnotize” by Notorious B.I.G. Fast forward to the 3:10 mark. But also listen to the whole song because it is awesome.