I Hope Peyton Manning One Day Decides To Endorse The Company I Work For

How cool would it be to work at an insurance company for like 20 years, and then one day thumb-headed Peyton Manning walks in, films a few commercials, and gets paid more money than you’ve made over those two decades?

It would be very cool, because Peyton Manning is a brand, a lifestyle, a man whose skin and your television screen are one and the same. Let’s not ruin this for him, okay? The man made enough money playing football to ensure that no one in his family has to work for the next three hundred years, and that is precisely why he should continue to get paid thousands of times more than the people who are actually employed at the companies he is shilling for.

At our next company meeting, I plan to request a pay decrease to free up some funds in order to lure Manning in, and hopefully he brings the shit-heads from The Voice with him. Given a choice to have a shot at retiring before I’m 75, or watching Peyton Manning tell Adam Levine he should change his band’s name to Maroon 18, well, let’s just say I plan on working for a very, very long time.

Or maybe a guy as rich as Peyton Manning should be paid entry level wages by these companies.

No. He needs this money.

The Chicken Ticker

Years ago, my roommate and I were sitting at a bar. At one point, I convinced him that I had a chicken ticker running at all times on my computer. He then wanted to know what a chicken ticker was. So I told him.

A chicken ticker is exactly the same thing as a stock market ticker, only it constantly informs you of the current price of chicken in your area. It crowed when the market opened, and all day there was a quiet, constant buck, buck, bucking in the background as the prices crept by.

Even I knew I had drank too much at that point.

 

Tampa Area Hookers Getting Ready For Upcoming Republican National Convention

TAMPA, FL — The Republican National Convention is set to kick off this coming Monday, and with it will come a substantial boost for local businesses. Restaurants, hotels, and especially hookers are preparing for the financial spike that comes with any national gathering.

“This will definitely be the busiest we’ve been in years,” replied a local hussy.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how excited we are. It’s times like this when you can really show how valuable you are to your whoremonger,” said another filthy woman of the night.

This reporter, curious as to just how much money the convention will infuse into the economy, found a few prostitutes who had already consorted with some early arrivers to Tampa. Their comments:

“As opposed as they are to using public money to fund schools or art programs for kids, they really have no problem at all throwing their personal money down at the clip of $3,000 an hour so they can strangle me and tell me I’m worthless. It’s very noble.”

“One guy gave me 500 bucks to sit quietly while he read an erotic poem he wrote about Reagan.”

“A congressman from Texas gave me more than he pays his Mexican housekeeper in a year just for me to watch him pee.”

“A group of city councilmen from Kentucky pooled their money together, probably enough to put an underprivileged inner-city kid through a few years of college, and threw empty whiskey bottles at me while I did the Macarena.”

The influx of cash will be much appreciated by the army of harlots. However, if the second law of thermodynamics is any indicator, with every boom, an equalizing bust will follow. While the hookers will all be bringing home the proverbial bacon, Tampa is expected to fall into a mini-recession following the convention, due to the uninhabitable cesspool it will become. Enclosed spaces all over town, like closets, public bathrooms, back seats of taxis, etc., will all have to be roped off and hosed down by scores of workers in hazmat suits.

“Frankly, I’m not sure if our sewer system is going to be able to handle the extraordinary volume of bodily fluids that will soon bombard it. My best advice for residents would be this: head for the highlands, and check the city’s website for updates on when it’s safe to return. May God have mercy on us all,” warned a high-ranking Tampa official.

On a side note, the enormous profits reaped by the multitudes of floozies are expected to form a sort of “trickle-down” effect within the greater Tampa area. Manufacturers of high-end stilettos, experimental herpes-taming pharmaceuticals, and crack are all expected to benefit from the brief explosion of capital into the flesh industry.