I Hope Peyton Manning One Day Decides To Endorse The Company I Work For

How cool would it be to work at an insurance company for like 20 years, and then one day thumb-headed Peyton Manning walks in, films a few commercials, and gets paid more money than you’ve made over those two decades?

It would be very cool, because Peyton Manning is a brand, a lifestyle, a man whose skin and your television screen are one and the same. Let’s not ruin this for him, okay? The man made enough money playing football to ensure that no one in his family has to work for the next three hundred years, and that is precisely why he should continue to get paid thousands of times more than the people who are actually employed at the companies he is shilling for.

At our next company meeting, I plan to request a pay decrease to free up some funds in order to lure Manning in, and hopefully he brings the shit-heads from The Voice with him. Given a choice to have a shot at retiring before I’m 75, or watching Peyton Manning tell Adam Levine he should change his band’s name to Maroon 18, well, let’s just say I plan on working for a very, very long time.

Or maybe a guy as rich as Peyton Manning should be paid entry level wages by these companies.

No. He needs this money.

Rebranding A Classic Feminine Product

Issue: you just don’t see funny tampon commercials.

Cause of issue: lack of innovation and creative stagnation in marketing this product stems from the lunar-like cyclicity of the feminine, ahem, time, which leads tampons to be designated as a need, not a want, causing top napkin producers to take sales for granted.

Solution: rebrand the product.

For this rebranding, our ideal situation would have been to land famed pitchman Billy Mays, but as we all know, it’s been seven years since he mainlined his last speedball of OxiClean, sending him screaming enthusiastically into the Great Void.

It’s okay, with the internet, we can find an impersonator.

Our Billy Mays impersonator

 

So then we move on to the name. The most obvious choice was to christen the product Tampon Daddy.

That probably needs an explanation.

Well I’ve got one.

The name adds a subtle masculine aspect to a product that has, historically, captured nearly 100% of its sales from a demographic of child-bearing age females. It’s time for tampons to break into a new market—a market that has the potential to double sales.

How are we going to sell Tampon Daddy to men? You make tampons sexy again.

And how do you do that? I……don’t know.

Oh yeah, back to the beginning: the issue was that tampon commercials aren’t funny.

So I guess come up with a tampon commercial featuring a Billy Mays impersonator that portrays the product in a very hilarious, sexy light, and somehow opens an educated discussion on why men aren’t using these things, all while not alienating women.

Boring tampon commercial problem solved.

The Philosophunculist Has A Facebook Page Now

We here at The Philosophunculist have always been on the way to selling out. But in order to sell out, you need a buyer. To find a buyer, you need, well, I’m not sure, which is why no one seems to be purchasing what I’m pushing. I blame the economy, mostly, but also teenagers, immigrants, people on welfare, liberals, conservatives, and Canada.

Anyways, back to selling out. I stated, ages ago, on this very Blog, that it was my intent to one day become an eccentric billionaire, or at the very least, a weird millionaire. The warnings have been there. So here it is. This Blog now has a Facebook page.

Picture it as the tiny snowball perched on the top of a hill, ready to be pushed down, sopping up and absorbing everything in its widening swath. At the bottom of the hill, my own clothing line, corporate endorsements, reality television, rehab, indoor sunglasses, and straight cash homey.

Here’s the link. ‘Like’ it. That’s it. You don’t even have to look at it after that.

This is the link to the official Philosophunculist Facebook Page.

Kmart Commercial

I think that Kmart commercial would have been a lot funnier if everyone, instead of saying they just shipped their pants, said they had just shit their pants. There’s nothing funny about pants being loaded into a truck and delivered somewhere. And if they used my suggestion, there could be some kind of tie-in campaign with cleaning supplies and laundry detergent.

 

Shame On Hot Pockets For Enabling Snoop Dogg/Lion’s Insatiable Appetite For Attention

Wha, how — why — what is happening?

Testimonials

One way to find out how effective your latest business venture, investment, relationship, or in this case, Blog, is doing, is to get out there and ask The People. Over the last few months, I have slyly been collecting feedback from readers to find out what I could be doing better. These are real people, not paid actors.

-Joseph B., of South St. Paul responded – “You have a Blog?”

-“Yeah, I kind of read it, sometimes.” – Ben S. of St. Cloud, Minnesota.

-“I don’t read Blogs.” – J-Limm of Freemont, Nebraska.

-“Yeah I read it, and I’m pretty sure you were on mushrooms.” – Slim of Las Vegas, Nevada after this gem.

-“I’m glad you aren’t going to culinary school.” – J-Char of Whidby Island, Washington, discussing the Grilled Sean Sandwich.

-“I haven’t been following it lately.” Jeff Z. (my Dad) of Winthrop, Minnesota. In all fairness he is a very busy man.

-Aaron B. of Woodbury, Minnesota – “I haven’t read it since the fourth one. How many have you done?”  Me – “45.”

-“What a funny stuff I ever found on the web.” – Some Hindu website that commented on a post, so I’m pretty sure it was spam.

So there you have it: the Blog is doing juuuuuust fine.

Here’s a Blong.

The YCL Marketing Plan

I realized I haven’t really posted anything about school in a while, so I figured I would let everyone in on my final project for marketing. For the next five weeks we are working on a marketing campaign for a company, band, restaurant, etc. One of the main things I have taken from this class is that having a good story sells. That’s why white people from the suburbs think Eminem is so cool. He used to live in the “ghetto.” Now he is basically insulting his fans by putting out pure trash and calling it music. Anyways, last night my gray blob came up with this back story for YCL. Some of it is true, some of it isn’t.

YoungCleanLegit (YCL) was born to a pair of southern Minnesota lovebirds back in the hairspray flavored 80’s. He grew up with a fierce aversion to physical labor, while passing the time in an old maple tree reading Calvin and Hobbes books. Without cable and video games, he was forced to use his brain to occupy the listless hours.  Well, some calamitous events occured and YCL found himself in his 20’s, living in a urine soaked cardboard box under a bridge, with nothing but rat steaks and pigeon eggs for sustenance. After making sweet, sweet blues music by banging on an empty beer case and playing an old kazoo that almost certainly infected him with angina pectoris, he decided to pull himself up by his boot straps and go out and get an education. He promptly looked down and realized that he did not own any footwear, and instead opted to yank himself up by the tapeworm that was peeking out of an open sore on the top of his foot. Rest assured, YCL is now disease free (he is Young, Clean, and Legit after all) and producing a William S. Burroughs influenced album entitled Nude Supper with the world’s first mute rapper, The Sound of Silence.  So gather round, and experience this atrocious bundle of wacked out sonic adventure.

Today’s Blong comes from Herb Alpert. Without this song, there would be no “Hypnotize” by Notorious B.I.G. Fast forward to the 3:10 mark. But also listen to the whole song because it is awesome.