how liberals win elections

The liberals want health care, and for children to be released from cages, so they will stop at nothing to make those things happen. Elections are never won fairly by liberals, so here is a rough timeline of what every left leaning libtard socialist nazi libtard will be doing today. If you see any of this happening, light a cross on fire in your yard and the Proud Boys will show up to help you.

-They will begin their day with an omelette (not American food).

-They will go to the polling place and vote. Then they will wait outside for five minutes, reenter the building, holding their pointer finger over their upper lips (to simulate a mustache) and vote again. The women even do this, because all liberal women want to be men and all liberal men cannot grow mustaches. This cycle will repeat for a while (the liberal will use a finger to simulate a different kind of facial hair each time, i.e. sideburns, goatees, full beards, etc.).

-They will take a break to eat tacos and spaghetti (not American food).

-They will cross a border, pick up many immigrants, and force them to vote Democrat at every polling place within a 50 mile radius (this is not hard to do). The immigrants will also use the finger-as-facial hair technique. If the immigrants are hairy, they will vote, and then the liberals will shave them.

-After dark, they will retreat to a cemetery (cemeteries were not invented in America), in order to steal the identities of the departed (for more voting) and do drugs that they got from the immigrants.

-By this time the voting has ended, and they have a party where not everyone is white, and every topic of conversation is about how Fox News is an entertainment channel. They will all be eating hummus (again, not American).

Sad!

 

Infographic: 2018 Election

Whether you’re voting red, blue, independent, or not at all, I think everyone can agree on the message of the above graph. Migrant caravans, pre-existing conditions, beer, the line covers all that. It dips, dives, dips again, and rises at a few points as well. The intersection of ‘C’ and ‘90%’ is particularly telling.

You would be wise to share this on your conservative uncle’s wall, or tweet it out to that libtard up the street. We cannot afford to ignore this information.

If you find yourself in a heated online argument, produce this graph, sit back and wait for your opponent to type the words ‘you’re right. I apologize.’

So get off your duff and vote, or by the time we get to ‘G,’ things very well may reach 120%, or, equally as bad, -5%.

The future of people depends on it.

The Democratic Convention Will End With Surgery Or Conception

I think it’s pretty obvious how the Democratic National Convention is going to end: tomorrow night, right during primetime, expect Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders to be sown together, legally making them one person, something called Billary Slinton or Hernie Clanders, who will become the new nominee.

Or they’ll conceive a baby.

Then they’ll pump Hillary full of age-accelerating pills—something the government has been hiding from us—in order for the love child to be born and advance to an electable age by November.

Either way, I don’t care anymore.

I Like To Keep My Personal Opinions And Beliefs Off Of The Internet

*caution: the following post mentions bodily functions. why? i don’t know. perhaps they are being used symbolically as a way to say that we all need to find some sort of common denominator in these divided times. or they’re a metaphor shining light on the crumbling infrastructure of…..something. but maybe, just maybe, if you highlight every fourth letter of this post, it will reveal a hidden message.

We all have annoying Facebook friends that shellac us with political posts, gym selfies, and pics of their butt-ugly babies—nothing new to talk about there.

Personally, I like to stay away from ‘putting myself out there’ on the internet. I have boundaries. I don’t need people to know everything about me.

When it comes to social media, my movements are few and far between. Every now and then, I guess, I’ll crowdsource a question that seems important to me. Like lately, for instance, I’ve had this thing going on with my bowels. Without getting too deep into the problem, here’s the gist: I will go about three days without defecating, and then BOOYA—like a warm and cold front colliding, a frenzied twelve hour period ensues in which a torrential downpour produces up to twenty four inches of excrement (to put that in scale: one inch of excrement is equivalent to 36 inches of snow, and 72 inches of rain). If someone knows what would cause this, by all means, pipe up. Yes, you there. What’s that? Who am I going to vote for in the upcoming election? Your mom. Did you not just hear, a moment ago, that I prefer not to share those things on the internet?

Anyways, after this purge, my intestines will lay dormant for another 72 hours. Sure, they’ll bubble, they’ll gurgle, and sometimes even squeak, but there will be absolutely no productive action. Nada. Pardon? Where do I stand on people using the pubic bathroom that they identify with? I’m not going to comment on that, but if I happen to be in one of my violent defecation cycles and a women’s restroom is the only one available, let’s just say I’m going to start feeling very womanish for a brief period of time. I’m not going to sit over here and apologize if some little girl has to listen to that.

This brings us to the color of my pee. For example, I drink a lot of water, so normally my urine is pretty clear, like a mountain creek, or saran wrap. In the morning though, it’s more yellow, probably because I am not able to take in as much water while I am asleep, which results in a deeper urinary shade. Hmmm? Repeat that please. Ah yes, the Confederate flag and free speech. This is similar to the restroom situation above. If I were in dire need of bath tissue and a Confederate flag were the only thing lying around, I suppose I would use it to wipe. I would use any flag to clean myself if that was all that was available.

So back to my pee. Sometimes I have trouble going, and OH GOD WHAT NOW? Fine. You want me to share something personal? Here goes. I’m going to hand you a filthy, dirty secret. I try to use public bathrooms as much as possible. I do. It’s gross, and it’s part of my life. It slashes my toilet paper budget, and if the thing clogs, hey, not my problem. Some teenager named Ashton or Aiden or Sean’Trell gets to clean it up, and it’ll probably learn some sort of valuable life lesson in the process, like the fact that a guy with a spinach-rich diet who only poops every three days will produce thick tubes of green feces capable of clogging a jet-flush public toilet. That’s something you just don’t learn sitting in a government-funded classroom. There. I said something about the government. Now I suppose you want me to click ‘love’ on the picture of your fat, stupid baby. Not gonna happen.

And by the way, sometimes, when I’m in the public restroom, I’ll unwind a little extra toilet paper and take it home with me. Is that a crime? It is a public bathroom. The things inside belong to the public. I am part of the public. Now you probably think I’m some uber-liberal Hillary supporter. Yes, I’m going to vote for her, provided she delivers a solution to my mysterious bowel thing. If Trump can figure it out, then I’m in his corner. Maybe I’ll be in the Dollar Tree bathroom one day and a friendly woman dressed like a man will recognize my symptoms and help me out. There’s no way of knowing.

Maybe Barack Obama And Mitt Romney Could Combine To Form One Super-President Called Mirack Obomney

Here’s how to make everyone in America happy after November’s election: Barack Obama and Mitt Romney can combine their powers to form the juggernaut Mirack Obomney. What about the vice president? I thought of that too. We bring in Ralph Nader and Ross Perot, who will congeal into Rolph Perader. For added enforcement, a hologram of Reagan will preside over meetings between Obomney and Perader, all while the choicest cuts from Clinton’s mid-’90s White House harem make the rounds, seeing to it that no Cuban goes unlit and no scotch glass ever empties.

I’m Endorsing Anarchy In The 2012 Election

This November, when I strizut over to my local voting hole, I’m seeking out every blank line that says “write-in,” and drawing one of these:

Why anarchy? On August 25, around 9:16 PM I read this quote:

“We’ve never had our injustices rectified from the top, from the president or Congress, or the Supreme Court, no matter what we learned in junior high school about how we have three branches of government, and we have checks and balances, and what a lovely system. No. The changes, important changes that we’ve had in history, have not come from those three branches of government. They have reacted to social movements.”  — Howard Zinn — historian, intelligent person

So if the throbbing masses are behind the important changes, then that would mean “The Man” is actually just “The Middle Man.”

And also, Facebook is now nothing but pictures of food and this: “Don’t vote for Obama!” “Vote for Obama!” “Don’t vote for Romney!” “Vote for Romney!” and “Don’t let corporations run the country (sent from an iPhone)!”

Vote for no one, and start posting better crap in Facebook.